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[00:00:00] Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life, then you have come to the right place. I am your host, coach and Life Alchemist, Shirin Eskandani. And I have worked with thousands of people showing them how to create their dream lives while also living their dream.

This podcast is where mindset, mindfulness and manifestation meet together. We're going to release limiting beliefs. Put your dreams into motion all while prioritizing your ease, rest and joy. Let's do this love.

Hi love. Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my Mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at @wholeheartedcoaching.

Or if you want to go even deeper into this week's episode and get my free weekly journal prompts, sign up for my email list and you'll be able to explore the topics we're talking about in this episode. Even further, you can do that in the show notes or by heading to my website: wholehearted-coaching.com.

And if you're interested in working with me, whether that's one-on-one in one of my group programs or one of my transformational courses, you can head to my website, wholehearted-coaching.com/offerings to find out more. And of course you can also head to the show notes and all of this information.

Will be waiting for you there. All right, love.

[00:01:35] Welcome to this week's episode. So we're doing something special for the month of May, actually for the next couple of months, we have some exciting things coming up. I'm going to be taking a break this summer, but I really wanted to set you up in a way where you feel really supported and have lots of things to think about and try over the summer months.

[00:02:01] And this month, what we're going to be focusing on is a series of 101 episodes. If you've been part of the community for a while, you'll know that on occasion I drop a 101 episode last month we had an episode titled intuition 101 and 101 episodes kind of go over the basics of a theme or a topic, but then we also get to go a little bit.

[00:02:27] And I offer some practices and tools that you can use to really explore this theme in your own life. And we're starting off, we're coming out of the gate, strong talking about boundaries today. We're going to talk about what are boundaries, what holds us back from boundaries. And I'm going to share with you a practice that allows you to ask for what you need, regardless of how difficult it may seem.

[00:02:54] I use this practice almost daily and it's one of my favorite ways to create a boundary because there is kindness to it. There is compassion with it and it's 95% effective. So you will definitely want to stick around to the end of the podcast episode to hear all about. I wanted to start off with boundaries because they're so incredibly important.

[00:03:18] And I think to me, they are the ultimate form, the ultimate sign of self-development and growth. When we can create really healthy boundaries in our life. It means that we are truly doing the work boundaries require self-awareness, self-compassion. They require us to really do the work, to uphold what is most important to us.

[00:03:43] And in our day-to-day lives, it can be a real struggle to keep our boundaries, to ask for our boundaries, to even acknowledge what we need and what we desire. But when we can create healthy boundaries for ourselves, that's when there is so much more ease in our lives. That's when we can explore the things that are important to us.

[00:04:06] That is when we can rest boundaries are so key. So in today's episode, we're going to be going deep. We're really going to look at what is holding you back from creating the boundaries that you know, you truly need. And we'll talk about some ways that maybe we can overcome these barriers, these internalized beliefs we have against boundaries.

[00:04:30] So instead of a mindset Monday, we're going straight into it with boundaries. 1 0 1. Okay. I want to start off with a scenario that I think all of us have been in. I want you to imagine yourself and you're having a really overwhelming day or week. Like there is so much on your plate and, you know, you cannot take on any more, whether it is professional obligations, personal circumstances, whatever is going on, but you know that you just cannot take on any more.

[00:05:05] And in the midst of all of this, you get a phone call, a phone call from a friend or a family member, someone you really love. And they say, Hey, I know this is like super last minute, but I need help moving this weekend. Things fell through and, and could you just come over? It'll be probably a couple of hours on Saturday, but could you help me move?

[00:05:28] Or maybe it's not a move. Maybe they call up and say, Hey, oh my gosh, I just have this last minute project. And you are such a great problem solver. Do you think that we could just hop on the phone for a little bit and talk about it and you can help me out with it? Or maybe it's not a project, maybe a friend calls you up and says, Hey, I am just having the roughest time with my partner right now.

[00:05:52] Can we just talk about it. I really need someone to help me sift and sort through all of this mess. And while you love this person so much every part of your being. Is telling you to say no, every part of your being is like, you can't take the, on, you do not have the emotional bandwidth, the physical bandwidth, you cannot do this thing for them.

[00:06:18] Do not say yes. Do not say yes, don't say yes, don't say. And before you can even think about it, you say yes, You say? Yeah, totally, totally sure. Sure. I can come over and help you move. I can hop on the phone and help you with this project or, or, yeah, of course, of course. Let's just, let's talk about your emotional baggage with your partner.

[00:06:41] And like, you're just thinking to yourself, why didn't you say yes, you know, you can't handle any more. You're already exhausted. You're on the verge of burnout. What is this? Why didn't you say yes. And you already know what the experience is going to be like, you like love this person, but you know, Part of that experience, you're going to be on the phone, you're going to be helping them move and you're going to be frustrated and angry and you're going to resent them and you're going to resent the situation.

[00:07:11] And you know, that you're just going to be so exhausted by the end of everything depleted overextended. And, and you just start getting this like low grade and anxiety and overwhelm, just thinking of what you got yourself into. So does that scenario sound familiar? Yes. Yes. I think it does because we have all been there and the scenario really is about boundaries, right?

[00:07:42] How difficult it can be to create a boundary, even when we know we need to create. Whether that boundary is saying, I don't have the time right now, whether that boundary is saying, you know what? I can't really help this weekend, whatever that boundary is. So often we know what we need to ask for, but we can't.

[00:08:06] So let's first define what a boundary is. This is my favorite definition, boundaries or guidelines for ourselves and others that keep us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I like to think of boundaries as like those plant labels you get, you know, when you get a new plant and it's that little white label, you know, in the soil that says this plant loves light, it doesn't need that much water.

[00:08:35] It flowers in the spring. That is what our boundaries are. There are those little plant labels that tell others that tell ourselves what allows us to really thrive and blue. And I think all of us on a really logical level know we need boundaries. Boundaries are incredibly important, but what I want to start off with in this episode is what stops us from creating boundaries.

[00:09:05] So in that scenario, I want you to think of a recent situation in which you knew you needed a boundary and you didn't say what you needed. Right. You allowed yourself to say yes to something that you knew wasn't for you. You knew that you didn't have the bandwidth to do it. So thinking of that scenario, I want you to think of what were the thoughts that I had that talk to me out of.

[00:09:34] This boundary, right? What were the beliefs that came up? If you can cue into it, what was going on internally for you? What does your body feel like? Where did you feel those feelings or emotions? This is so key because we need to become aware of what stops us from creating boundaries. Here's another exercise to.

[00:10:01] Take out your pencil. Take out your pen. If you're on a walk, just think about it. I want you to think of that situation. And I want you to answer this prompt. If I say no to this person, it means that. And just think of all of the words that come up after it means that. It means that I'm selfish. It means that I'm not a good person.

[00:10:26] It means that I don't care. It means that I'm going to let them down. Be honest with yourself. We need to understand what are the beliefs that hold us back from creating our boundaries. Boundaries are so incredibly hard to honor, because they're all about you. They're about you prioritizing yourself. It's about you prioritizing your needs, your wants your desires.

[00:10:54] And if we're being honest, most of us struggle with prioritizing our needs over other people's needs. So when we talk about boundaries, we really have to talk about them. And when I say them, I mean, the people outside our communities, our families, our friends, our work colleagues, our bosses, because so often we don't create our honor of boundaries because we don't want to let them down.

[00:11:22] We don't want to disappoint them. We don't want to hurt them. And so we say yes to things and in the process, we let down disappoint and hurt ourselves. But the truth is, and this is a really tough truth to accept is that we are more comfortable, disappointing ourselves than we are comfortable, disappointing other people.

[00:11:48] I want you to really reflect on that. We are more comfortable, disappointing ourselves, hurting ourselves, letting ourselves down than we are disappointing, hurting and letting other people down. This is one of the biggest barriers to us, creating boundaries. It's about how are they going to feel? What are they going to think of me?

[00:12:12] How is this going to disrupt their lives? Because so often we are asked to create boundaries with people that we love with people that we care about with people who we have to connect with each and every day. Right? It's easy to create a boundary with a stranger. It's easy to create a boundary of someone you don't have to see often, but it's hard to create a boundary with those people that are in our lives that are integral to our lives.

[00:12:41] So often we want to create a boundary. And be understood. We want to create a boundary and be liked. We want to create a boundary and make them understand why we want to create a boundary and not disturb the peace and love. What we really have to understand is that's not possible. A real boundary is going to elicit.

[00:13:03] Feelings are real. Boundary is going to involve hopefully an open conversation, a real boundary is going to require real courage and strength. A real boundary is gonna require you to practice some real self compassion. Bernay brown writes daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves.

[00:13:26] Even when we risk disappointing others. Oh, that word disappointment. I'm going to disappoint them. It's such a big theme that comes up whenever I talk about boundaries with clients, disappointing other people, I'm going to be a bad person. I love them for all of us. When we create a boundary, there's going to be this feeling of being selfish.

[00:13:55] Right. It's difficult because we think we are being selfish, selfish, because we are prioritizing our wants and needs over other people's wants and needs. I want to take a moment to really look at this word selfish because it is one that comes up so often when I talk about boundary. This word selfish has been a word that has been weaponized against women for so long.

[00:14:22] If you identify as a woman, you will know that this word has been used against us. When we dare to get curious about our desires and to step into what we want to step into our fullness, look at her. She's being so selfish. It's all about her now. She's so different. All she cares about is herself. These are phrases that come up often when we embark on herself growth journey, because when we embark on our self-growth journey, we realize, wait, this is what's important to me.

[00:14:54] And I want to prioritize this. I want to prioritize my time. I want to prioritize my interests. I want to prioritize myself care. Right. And all of a sudden this feels really uncomfortable to people because in order to do that, we have to change some things around, right. We have to create some real balance.

[00:15:11] And all of a sudden they're like, why are you being so selfish and so different in our society? The female archetype is ultimately selfless, constantly caring for and taking care of their community, doing the most for those around them. And for many of us, we grew up in households and communities where a lot of the female figures demonstrated complete selflessness.

[00:15:37] Think about it, our mothers, our aunties, our grandmothers, our teachers, and these examples have made it hard for us to figure out what is healthy self care and what is indulgent selfish behavior. We have mistaken selflessness for being a good person. We have made selflessness our baseline. So when we try to break this pattern, it can feel so incredibly selfish to us.

[00:16:06] Recently, I was reading this book about diet culture, and there was a section about restrictive eaters. People who are severely restrictive with how much calories they take in. And the author wrote that when these people start to eat a quote unquote normal amount of food and a normal quote, unquote caloric level to them, they think that they are bingeing an over.

[00:16:33] But they're actually properly nourishing themselves for the first time. They're actually taking care and loving their bodies for the first time. And when I read this, I thought, oh my goodness, this is what creating boundaries feels like. Right? This is what it feels like when we start to really say, this is what I want, and this is what I need, it's going to feel.

[00:16:55] So overindulgent at first until you realize that this is what it's supposed to feel like to nourish your soul and to take care of yourself. So when we talk about boundaries, it's a lot of untangling our beliefs around who we are. If we create those boundaries, who we are when we ask for what we need.

[00:17:17] And this really requires us to look at our lineage, how we grew up and our society at large. The patriarchy, misogyny, white supremacy, capitalism, all of these systemic conditioned beliefs that we have around how much we can ask for as women. And we will find that most of the time, the beliefs we're holding onto were never our own and that it's time to create our own beliefs.

[00:17:46] Glennon Doyle rights, selfless women make for an efficient society, but not a beautiful, true, or just one. So as you're listening to this episode, I want you to reflect on what you saw growing up. What did the women in your family or the women that you grew up around, or just the women in society at large demonstrate to you about boundaries?

[00:18:13] Did they have boundaries? Did they ask for what they wanted or needed? And as you reflect on that, maybe see what comes up for you around your own beliefs, maybe tap into your first memory of asking for what you wanted or needed. How did that feel and how did the people react? Becoming aware of what's holding us back, allows us to then move forward.

[00:18:44] When I talk about boundaries with clients and in my group programs, one of the phrases I always hear is that, but I want to be a good person. And I want us to really think about this phrase. I want to be a good person because here is the paradox when we don't set boundaries, because we don't want to be bad.

[00:19:06] People who hurt and disappoint others, what ends up happening in the. So thinking of that scenario at the very top, right. When you agree to help your friend move. Oh my gosh. I think we've all gotten into that, but what does that, what does that situation like for you when you there. I know what it's like for me, I'm like frustrated and I'm angry and I'm totally resentful towards that person and the situation.

[00:19:33] Right. And sometimes they end up lashing out at them. I lash out, perhaps that my partner, the people closest to me, or I just lash out at myself. We are not more loving people by not creating boundaries. We're actually more resentful. We're more unkind.

[00:19:51] Brene Brown writes the most compassionate people are the most boundaried when we don't set boundaries and we let people do things that are not okay. We are just hateful and resemble. I would rather be loving and generous and very straightforward with what's. Okay. And not okay. I am not as sweet as I used to be, but I am far more loving.

[00:20:16] So the word resentment, right. Comes up a lot. When we think about our boundaries, right? When we do things that we know, we don't have the bandwidth for, we have this feeling of resentment and I have come to understand that resentment is a symptom of either you not honoring your boundaries or others, not honoring them.

[00:20:36] It's a sign that a boundary needs to be created or reinforced. Whenever I start to feel resemble. I know that there is a boundary issue somewhere. So with clients, whenever we're doing boundary work, I get them to do a resentment catalog. Think of all the places in your life, the situations in your life, the relationships in your life, where you feel resentment and now dig deep and ask yourself.

[00:21:06] What boundaries being crossed here or what boundary means to be created or a boundary needs to be really honored. Resentment is such a great sign of ding, ding, ding. I need to create a boundary and what ends up happening if we don't create boundaries is that we start to get really bitter and resentful and angry towards other people.

[00:21:32] So in that situation where we help a friend move all of a sudden, we're like, you know what? I am never ever helping a friend move ever again, no way, no, how it is never happening. And if a friend comes up to us and even if we have the time, we just say, no, no, I'm not doing it. Never doing it. No. And we close ourselves off to them.

[00:21:54] We close ourselves off to the relationship. We just close ourselves completely off. And what we think we're doing is creating a boundary. But what we're actually creating is a barrier. Okay. So we're going to go on a little related tangent here, but it's really, really important. So for the longest time I thought that I was creating boundaries, but what I was actually creating were barriers and it's really easy to confuse the two because they are very similar, but they are very different as.

[00:22:28] Okay. So I'm going to give you a very clear example. When I was dating, I was taken advantage of a lot. I was ghosted. I went on terrible dates. People lied, people were not who they seemed. And so all of a sudden I started to make these really firm and fast rules. Right. So the person texts me after a certain time, they were like dead to me that if they didn't respond back in a certain number of days, then they were total a-holes that if we went on a date and they didn't offer to do X, Y, and Z, then I was never going out with them again.

[00:23:01] Right. And I was like, these are boundaries, but what, those actually were, were barriers. So let me explain to you what a barrier is. Uh, barrier is a wall that you create between yourself and the world. Barriers are a result of resentment, hurt, disappointment, and frustration barriers are from a place of real fear.

[00:23:29] They're reactive. And they're you closing yourself off? Now they seem really close to boundaries, right? Because when we create a barrier, we are saying no to certain things, but when you create a barrier, it's like a very thick wall. Nothing comes in, but also nothing can really get out. You've been taken advantage of and hurt by people.

[00:23:54] So you create a wall between yourself and the. Mark NIPPO rights. Most of us, myself included live behind walls that were started by others and finished by ourselves. So when I was dating, I was closing myself off to really great people because of these barriers, because I had been. And some of those people actually were good people.

[00:24:21] They just couldn't respond back in time because of their work or something had happened in home. But I had been hurt so many times that I was like, nah, no way, this isn't feel good. You are out of my life. But the problem with barriers you see is that they block out everything. Even the good, they make us often not see the good in others and in situations.

[00:24:44] And they also dim our own life. Right because I was walking around this world trying to find a partner, but I had my walls up. I had myself braced for the worst barriers, ultimately trap you, right. They become a prison that you've created, so you're protected, but you can't grow or move beyond. Now boundaries.

[00:25:09] Yes. We are telling people what we expect, what we require, what nourishes us, but the result of self-awareness self-love self-care boundaries replenish. And they require more work than barriers because you have to be discerning. You really do, right. Is, is this person not texting me back because they're not a good person or is this person not texting me back because life circumstances, right?

[00:25:37] You have to choose, you have agency and boundaries really lead to growth because you are being discerning of what serves you best, who gets your time and what you truly want to be doing. So, when I learned how to create boundaries in dating, I wasn't just taking anyone's crap, but I could say what I needed from a real place of, from love and self compassion and awareness.

[00:26:03] I could tell people what made me feel safe. What made me feel loved. And if they couldn't do that for me, then I could understand they were not the right person for. Right. Instead of me just cutting them out of my life because of a text they didn't send, or perhaps a look that they had, or maybe a thing that they said I could be discerning.

[00:26:23] I had agency and that's when I could finally be my fullest self, no walls, because if a barrier is this thick wall, a boundary is kind of like this beautiful fence with a gate. Right. And you get to open and close that gate whenever you please. So think about this, my love with boundaries and barriers. I have an entire podcast episode about.

[00:26:52] When I have really come to understand about boundaries is that they are the ultimate form of self-love self-care and self-awareness self-love because boundaries are how we show others how to love ourselves. I heard this definition of boundary somewhere, and to me, it's the truest. Boundaries are how we show others how to love ourselves and how we show love to ourselves by letting people know what we need.

[00:27:23] What makes us feel whole? What makes us feel our best? Right? We are showing them how to love ourselves and in turn, right. We are loving ourselves by telling them those things. It's the ultimate form of self care because boundaries are truly how we care for ourselves, knowing what is best for you and what will nourish you and giving yourself those things.

[00:27:45] And it's the ultimate form of self-awareness because boundaries require you to know yourself so well that you know what you need to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. Right? You cannot express what you need. If you don't know what those things are. The self-awareness piece is one that I have been really, really reflecting on because while I'm not so bad at creating boundaries and talking about my boundaries, I've realized that I often talk myself out of what I need.

[00:28:17] I don't allow myself to become aware of those things that I truly need to be mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy. I Gaslight myself out of my knee. And so I don't create those boundaries because I already stopped them from the get from the goal. So as you can see boundaries go deep, they really are the trifecta of self.

[00:28:43] They're all about you. My love. And as we talk about you, the most important thing you need to understand about boundaries is that you. Are the only person who is responsible for honoring a boundary. You, yes. I hate this. When I say this, trust me. I'm like, no, it's other people. When I tell them to do something, they're supposed to do it now, it would be lovely if everyone in our life.

[00:29:13] Would uphold and honor our boundaries. They would respect and uphold our boundaries, but I'm a human. And I know that I've overstepped boundaries many a time, right? We are the only people who are responsible for upholding and respecting our boundaries. And what ends up happening so often, just like what we talked about at the very top of the episode, right?

[00:29:35] That example of where you help a friend move when, you know, you can't, when you help a friend process something, when you know you can't it's that we betray ourselves when it comes to our boundaries time and again, right. The person who betrays our boundaries the most is ourselves. We so often know what is best for us.

[00:29:55] And yet we find ourselves negotiating our boundaries. We end up crossing our own limits, breaking our own promises, making endless compromises, and we end up hurting ourselves over and over again. Yes, it would be amazing if everyone understood our boundaries, it would be amazing if they didn't react negatively.

[00:30:15] When we ask for a boundary. We just know that's not going to always happen. And we have to be the ones who stand firm in our boundaries. He on the van Zandt writes. If people are crossing your boundaries, it's because they don't know where they are. If people call you at crazy hours of the night, it's because you keep answering them.

[00:30:39] If people ask you to do things that go above and beyond it's because you keep doing them, people look at what we say yes to. If we are the yes person, our yes, loses its value because we give it away all the time. And because they always expect. Oh, Iyanla laying it down. So when we talk about boundaries, it's about getting really honest with, what am I saying yes.

[00:31:06] To and whatever I'm saying yes. To means that I'm saying no to something else. When I struggle with boundaries, I remind myself that every, yes I give to them is a know towards myself. So what am I saying no to? And is this worth. Love your yes is gold. It's precious metal. Your time and energy are finite and your wellbeing is contingent on how you spend those precious resources.

[00:31:37] So I now want to share with you one of my favorite ways to create a better. Oftentimes when people tell us wellness coaches or whomever, you know, they tell us, well, say no, that's a boundary. No is a full sentence. And while yes, no is a full sentence. Sometimes it can be really hard to say, no, I can't help you move.

[00:31:57] No, I can't do that. No, I can't let you process with me over the phone. So I want to share a script with you. And it's one that I use often, and it's one that has a gentleness to it, a compassion to it. And again, it is 95% effective. This script comes from Alison Armstrong. She's a coach and it works really beautifully because Alison Armstrong says, and I agree that the people who love us truly do want to take care of us.

[00:32:27] They truly want the best for us, but sometimes they don't know how to do that. Sometimes they don't know what they're actually doing. And so what this script does so beautifully is that it makes it really clear what you need and how it serves you, right? How it takes care of you, why it's important to you, and when our loved ones understand what it is that we need and why it's so important to us, they will try and follow.

[00:32:55] Okay. So the great ask, this script has four elements to it and you can move the elements around. So I'm going to break down the elements and then I'll give you a couple of examples. So the first element is, is that you have to say what you need and be specific. So for example, I need you to help me with household tasks.

[00:33:15] Okay. The second part of the script to describe what that looks like or means provide details of how we're, how often and when, or when you need it by or what it is. So example, examples of that are, this would mean doing the dishes after dinner, alternating weekends for deep cleaning, maybe helping with dinner twice a week.

[00:33:37] Right. Being specific, knowing what that looks like, the third part, and this is the most important part is telling them what it would provide or give you. Right? Because those people who love us, they truly do want to take care of us. And if they know what this need is fulfilling, there'll be more committed to following.

[00:33:58] So for example, this would give me more freedom and flexibility in my schedule, or I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately. And I know that this would help me so much. And the final part of the ask is ask them if you can do anything to help them do this. So can we add or alter anything to this list or how can we make this work to.

[00:34:22] Okay. So I'm going to show you an example. I'm going to make it off the top of my head with these four different elements in different orders. Hey, you know, I'm feeling so overwhelmed with work right now. It's a really busy time and I've just had no time to really rest or go for a walk or even get on my bike.

[00:34:45] Do you think you could help me out with some of the cooking this week? It would just be maybe two or three times this week. Maybe we could even batch something really. Big, but it would just help me so much in getting myself together. Just being able to get out and move would mean so much to me. Is this possible?

[00:35:04] Can I help with anything? Maybe I could order groceries online. Would that be helpful? Okay. So that's example one, let's try another one with a friend, a friend who's asking you to perhaps help them process something that, you know, you don't have the emotional bandwidth for it. Hey, uh, I really get that.

[00:35:25] This is a lot for you right now. It sounds really challenging and difficult. But I am so overwhelmed right now and I want to be there for you. And I want to really be able to process this with you. Do you think it's okay if we could talk later this evening or maybe even later this week, I really want to help you, but I'm just totally are out.

[00:35:49] And this would help me so much. And I want to be there for you without that work. Maybe later tonight or later. Okay. It wasn't perfect. But do you get what I'm doing here? Right. We're being specific. We're letting them know what it's going to give us. And we're also right open to compromise and open to creating this thing together.

[00:36:13] So I want you to try out the great ask this week. See what happens, try it out with something small. It's such a beautiful way to communicate what we need to the people in our lives. So love as we finish up boundaries 1 0 1. I want you to take a moment and reflect on one thing. That's really standing out to you.

[00:36:35] And as we end the podcast, we're going to take a deep breath in and out. And I want you to just hold that thing, that insight at the very top of the breath. So taking a breath in

[00:36:48] pause and reflect and taking a breath out. Until next week. Love, I will talk to you then. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend subscribe or follow where you love listening most. And if you haven't yet leave a review, you can do this on apple podcasts, task box, pod, chaser, or podcast addict until next week.

[00:37:19] Love.