Is it possible to outgrow people? What does it mean to outgrow people?

This is one of the most difficult and yet least talked about aspects of the healing and self-growth journey.

It’s something that all of us experience and it’s also the part that scares some of us out of doing this work.

So, what happens when your community isn’t healing and growing alongside you or you feel those around you will no longer accept this transformed version of you?

That’s exactly what we’re diving into today and I’ll share with you 2 powerful tools to support you in this discomfort.

Before we dive in…

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The Fear of Outgrowing Our Communities

Today’s topic is a personal one. It was also inspired by a conversation in my group coaching program, The Alchemy Collective.

For February, our theme was self-love which we had a lot of great conversations around.

And then, someone shared a fear they had.

For them, self-love looked like prioritizing their needs, and doing what was best for them in every way. And they realized that if they actually did those things, then the people in their lives would suffer.

If they were to prioritize taking care of themself, they couldn’t be as available to the people in their life. And they realized that their partner would have to pick up some of the slack.

And this felt like such unknown territory. Are they going to be ok with this? How do I even have this conversation?

And everyone in our group was realizing very similar things.

On this journey of healing and self-growth, if we actually prioritize ourselves, it will affect the people in our lives.

And something truly interesting happens here.

When faced with this dilemma, many of us would choose the people in our lives over ourselves.

We choose to keep ourselves small because we don’t want to go through that discomfort. Maybe it doesn’t feel safe. Maybe it doesn’t seem possible. Maybe it just seems like too much work right now.

No matter what, we will choose our own discomfort over other people’s discomfort time and time again.

What we are naming here is that one of the challenges or barriers to healing and growth is our fear of what happens with and to our communities.

Let’s try a prompt and see what comes up for you:

I am afraid that if I heal, grow, and transform, the people in my life will…

What comes up for you, love?

Maybe they will be on board.

Maybe they’ll judge you.

Or challenge you.

Maybe they’ll leave.

Our want and need to belong, to be cared for, and loved by others is such an integral and important one. It’s so often the reason why we choose to stay small and not transform.

We want to keep what we have.

I want to share a quote by Pooja Lakshmin from her book, Real Self-Care:

We're taught to worry more about the backlash of our decisions than to consider the risks associated with betraying ourselves.

The longer you let the fear of other people's judgment or reactions dictate your decisions, the more devastating the destruction is in the long run.

When we choose our discomfort over others, we are betraying ourselves each and every time.

And the more and more we betray ourselves, the more and more we create a life that isn’t a reflection of who we are becoming.

And why do we choose others?

Because we’re afraid of their judgment. What will they say? How will they feel?

But love, people are allowed to react. To have feelings about what’s happening. It may be hard, but it’s ok.

Here are 2 Tools to Help with the Discomfort of Change and Growth

People’s reactions are their own Rorschach Test

This one comes from Lakshman’s book, Real Self-Care. She explains that when people have a reaction to us prioritizing ourselves or us changing or shifting, it’s just a Rorschach Test.

For anyone who may not know, this is a projective psychological test where you’re shown inkblots and asked what you see or what it means. And what it’s really telling you is what that person is projecting onto or believing about something.

So, when someone reacts to you prioritizing yourself, shifting, or changing, their reaction says so much more about them and what they’re worried about than it does about you.

List your For’s and Against’s

This next tool comes from Tanya Geisler. You’re going to grab a piece of paper, and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write “For” and on the other write “Against.”

Now, you’re going to list all the people who would be so “For” your change and transformation. Anyone who would be so excited for you, encouraging you, and supporting you in this change. (Don’t forget to write yourself in this list, love. And if you’re the only one here, then that’s more than enough reason to go for it.")

On the other side, write anyone who would not be for it. Who wouldn’t be happy about your change and transformation?

When you look at these 2 sides, you’ll see who’s going to be so supportive of you and who possibly drains you or doesn’t really pour into you.

So love, try out these tools. See what comes up for you. No matter what, you are your top priority. Continue to show up as yourself.

Tune into the podcast to hear the full episode — 187 | Outgrowing your Community

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About your host, Shirin Eskandani