The Fear Protocol: What to Do When You’re Afraid | ep52
About this episode:
So often when we sense fear we think it's a warning sign. But what if the fear is actually an invitation?
Listen to this episode to find out how you change your relationship with fear and take action despite. Shirin also shares her Fear Protocol, the questions to ask yourself when you get scared.
A quote to take with you:
“Fear is always a sign that I’m moving closer and closer to my dreams.”
This week, I invite you to…
Try out the Fear Protocol:
Over the years, I've been able to change my relationship with fear through a series of questions that I call the Fear Protocol. These are the questions I ask myself in order to face fear head on:
Is this leap I'm about to take/decision I'm about to make leading me closer or further from my dreams? If no, then this isn't the leap for you right now. If yes, keep going.
Is the fear I'm feeling real or perceived (ie. is my life in danger, will I be putting myself or other's in harms way?). If yes, then this fear is a warning sign and you should probably stop. If no, then keep going.
Grounding yourself, speak to the fear and ask what its biggest worries are? Name the fears specifically (ie. fear of failure, fear of making a mistake, fear of uncertainty)
Take a moment and thank the fear for being so open and honest with you and speak to it with compassion and let it know the reasons why it is safe (ie. "I got this and you can trust me," "I will figure it out," "This means a lot to me," "We're going to try and if X happens,I promise we'll stop")
Now check in and see what your body feels like, what thoughts you're having. Does it feel safer now to take this leap? If yes, do the damn thing! If no, keep connecting to the fear until you start to feel more safe.
Love, if you have dreams in your heart, dreams that you want to realize then you must understand that fear will always be part of the process. But you don't have to listen. You don't have to give in.
Want to dive deeper through the full journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life and you have come to the right place. Let's create your dream life while living your dream life. Okay love. Hi love. Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at wholehearted coaching or you can get the full post plus journal prompts. When you subscribe to my email list, you can do that in the show notes. Or you can head to my website wholehearted dash coaching Comm. So today we're going to talk about fear. We're going to be talking about that fear that shows up when we're about to do something big, something that we have possibly been waiting for, for a long time, something that is a big leap for us but a leap that we kind of sort of want to take. It's that fear that shows up and tries to talk us out of taking risks. It talks us out of pursuing our dreams. So in today's episode, we're going to be looking at this fear and reframing it for ourselves and creating a new relationship with it. Because I think that we have a lot of Miss conceptions misperception misperceptions, when it comes to what fear is, and how we can navigate our lives with fear being part of it. Because the truth is that fear never goes away. No matter how many successes you have under your belt, no matter how many things you achieve. Anytime you're about to do something new. Anytime you're going to level up in your personal or professional life. Anytime you're about to embark on something that means a hell of a lot to you. Fear is going to be there love, it just is. And so instead of trying to ignore it, or thinking that at some point, it's going to magically disappear. Let's re frame our relationship with fear. So today's Mindset Monday reads, here's a secret. The people out here doing scary things are doing it despite their fear, not without fear. The truth is, the more you do scary things, the more you realize that being afraid is part of the process. But you start to realize that the fear usually isn't a warning sign. Instead, it's a sign that you're going in the direction of your dreams. The truth is that no one is fearless no one. And if someone tells you they're fearless, then they are lying. Or they are a sociopath. So you need to run in the other direction. We all have fear. I remember when I was thinking of switching careers from being an opera singer to having my own business as a life coach starting wholehearted coaching, I would look around at all these people who'd started their own ventures, right entrepreneurs who've done their own thing. And I would just look at them kind of with all inspiration and envy and be like, wow, they're so courageous. They're so brave. They must not experience fear. Like they just they obviously don't get scared, because what they're doing is hella scary. And they just keep on doing it. And so I thought I chalked it up to some sort of maybe genetic mutations. Some people have no fear, or you know, that other thing that I think a lot of us think, which is Oh, they've succeeded their way out of fear. Right? They've had so much success, that they know, they're going to be fine, that they're going to succeed and there's just no fear there. And what I've really come to understand about fear, what I've come to understand about quote unquote, brave or courageous people, is that those people aren't lacking in fear. They're doing things despite the fear. And what those people have figured out is how to have a new relationship with fear. That's what we're going to get into in this episode. When I started coaching, one of my big fears was having one on one calls with clients. It was something completely new to me. It was something I was excited About and thrilled about, right? Obviously, that's a coaching business to run right coach people, one on one. But I had never really done it before outside the context of my certification. So I went in a certification program where we had a practicum, which was great, because it meant that I had the opportunity to work with people. But as a, you know, up and coming coach, as a coach that was being certified, not as a coach, Coach. And I was so terrified. And it's really interesting that I haven't had that fear since my first days coaching about three years ago, right. And all of a sudden, this year, actually, about two months ago, I got an email from someone. And they were like, Sharon, are you doing one on one coaching, because I would really love to work with you. Now, this wasn't just someone, this was someone that I admire, this is a coach that I look up to. This is a coach that I think is doing amazing work in the world. And they contacted me to be coached know, for me to coach them, right? I was gonna say me to be coached by them, because that makes more sense to me. But no, they wanted me to coach them. And I got the email. And I was just stunned. That was like, they want me to call it like, I had to read it a couple times. Because I was like, I'm not sure. Do they? Do they want to coach me? Oh, no, this person actually wants to be coached by me. And I kid you not. I sent this person about three emails, trying to convince them not to work with me. Not to work with me. I mean, obviously not saying you shouldn't work with me. But I would say Oh, have you thought of this coach, they're more aligned with the field you're in, or, you know what my schedule is, like, very busy right now this month, and I won't have openings until this month. And every time this person was like, No, I really want to work with you. No, I'm happy to wait. And this fear that I hadn't felt in so long, came back. And it was this reminder for me that, oh, the fear never goes away. And that, in fact, this fear is here, because I'm about to level up. And that is scary. This fear is here, because I am actually getting closer to my dreams. This client that I have now coached and we had an amazing coaching session together. She is my dream client. I mean, if I was to write down a list of all the things that I would, you know, love to work with, with a client, this this was the coaching client of my dreams. It was me up leveling as a coach, now working with someone who is a master coach. And y'all I was terrified. I was so scared all that imposter syndrome stuff, you're not good enough, you don't know what you're doing. This person is gonna see right through you. That part of me, wrote those three emails to this coach. And their persistence to work with me, made me have to actually do the work that I do with others when it comes to fear. So anytime we have fear pop up. I think for many of us, we think it's a warning sign that the fear know something we don't know, right, Danger, danger, caution, caution, don't go down that path. And we really do have to respect fear because there is a healthy level of fear that we all should have, right? When we meet someone and we get that feeling in our gut that this isn't safe, right or when we are walking and we think don't go down that path that's not safe. There is a healthy amount of respect that we need to have for our fear. But what's ended up happening is that now we kind of see any appearance of fear. As a warning sign. We see fear as wisdom. And when it comes to our dreams, usually when fear pops up. It pops up when we're about to do something so big and so amazing. Fear pops up the closer word Getting to our dreams. I really want you to think about that. Think of the moments perhaps in the last six months, when you have had that uneasy fear, that fear that convinces you that you're not capable, that you don't know what you're doing that fear that makes you indecisive. That fog is up to your mind, that fear that lives in your belly. And I want you to think, okay, yeah, I know what Sharon's talking about. Because I have felt that recently. And I want you to think of the circumstance or situation that you were in, when that fear popped up. were you about to make a decision that was aligned with your dreams were you about to take an opportunity that was aligned with what you want to be doing more of, were you about to, you know, invest in something, whether it's time or energy or money that is aligned with where you want to be going. Because we need to look at this fear that pops up then. So that fear isn't wisdom. That fear is actually our ego trying to protect us from getting hurt. That is our fear of failure, our fear of disappointment, our fear of judgment, our fear of the unknown, that pipes up, and is so worried about you getting you're heartbroken about you, you know, falling on your face, and it tries to talk you out of doing things that mean a lot to you. That part of you that convinces you you don't know what you're doing, the part of you that tries to convince you that you're not capable, that you're not enough. And it does all of that again, because it is trying to protect you. choke down trunk bar, who is an amazing Buddhist master and monk teacher whose book smile in the face of fear is amazing. And you should read it. He writes, fear is a hallmark of your progress on the path. Just as you're about to give birth to further confidence. That breakthrough is preceded by a sense of utter fear. That breakthrough is preceded by a sense of utter fear. And so if we start to look at fear in the sense that when this type of fear shows up, I'm on the precipice of something big. I'm about to break through that I'm actually on the right path. And I'm doing the things that instill fear in me write those things that are about the unknown, and that this is an invitation. It's an invitation for me to take this leap. It's not a deterrent. It's not a go back sign. But instead it's Oh, right. Okay, fear is here. So I guess I'm exactly where I meant to be. Cheryl Strayed writes, hello, fear. Thank you for being here. You're my indication that I'm doing what I need to do. I mean, y'all, those quotes, those quotes are fire. Okay. Hello, fear, thank you for being here, you're my indication that I am doing what I need to do. So if we can really start to see that type of fear in this context of Okay, I'm actually doing what I'm meant to do. And I'm scared not because I'm not supposed to do this. But because of this is something new. This is something that means a lot to me, I'm going towards my dreams. I'm going to share an analogy with you that honestly, I have to say is the best analogy I've ever come up with. And y'all if you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you know, I love analogies. Okay, so for me to say this is a great analogy. It's a great analogy. This analogy came up last week with a client of mine. And this client, I love them. I know they listen to this podcast, they'll know who they are. They have been taking some really big scary steps towards their dream. And they said to me, You know, I've done all this stuff, you know, they want to have their own business and they said, you know, I've done all this stuff. Now I have the website. Now I have this now I have that. And I'm still scared like and I'm actually scared because I did all those things. And now I have the business. And now I'm like, Oh my gosh, I actually have the thing I want and now there's still fear. There's still there's still that scared feeling. And so the analogy that I came up with is okay, hear me out here. I love and hate roller coaster. Maybe you're like me, like, I love to go on them. But I also am super terrified of them. But I love that thrill of being on a roller coaster. So if you're kind of like me, you'll get this analogy. So what is that experience? Like before you get on the roller coaster? Right? When you're waiting in line, besides the fact that it's super long, and you're like, Oh my gosh, why? Why is this taking so long? So you're in the line? And you're kind of like, do you really want to do this like, and then the part of us like, yeah, you totally want to do this? And then of course, like, Oh, my gosh, but like, what if the ride that we go on is like the one where everything like the tracks go off, the safety belt doesn't work, and everyone dies. And then that part's like, and then and then Oh, you're gonna do this. And so, in this analogy, I was telling my client, I'm like, you know, all this stuff you did with the website and setting up your business, the LLC, all of this, that's like you waiting in line, right? All of those fears that you have about this journey you're about to take, but you really want to take it. And so now this client has created all this stuff. And now she's gonna put herself out there, right? Because if you have a business, it's great. You have all the things but people got to know you're doing the thing. People got to know what makes you so incredibly amazing at what you do. So this is where she is at. And I'm like, now, you're actually in the seat. You're in the roller coaster seat. So, okay, again, what is that experience? Like when you're about to go on a roller coaster? You know, you're sitting in the seat, and you're like, Oh, my gosh, what did you get me into? This is a terrible idea. This is gonna be the time this roller coaster totally goes off tracks. And that, you know, 14 year old kid who was like a safety expert, right? Who gave this 14 year old kid authority to be a safety expert. And they come around and they look kind of like jiggle the belt thing you do. And you're like, did they really jiggle it? But they really check it and you're like, Can you check this twice? Again, we have that fear. But we're sitting in the seat, we want to go on this ride. And that is what our dreams are like, it's like, we're so terrified. We're so scared. But we want to keep going. So we go we wait in line, we wait an hour in line. And now we're in the seat and we're like, oh my god. Now I have this dream. Holy crap, what did I do, because now I got to do all these other things. Okay, so we're in the seat, we're in the roller coaster seat. And then you hear the ding the buzz, and the roller coaster goes. And it's terrifying. And it's thrilling. And it's exciting. And we get to the end. And we're like, I want to do it again. And that's what our dreams truly are like. It's it's that thrilling, exciting, terrifying journey. And there are ups and downs, there's moments, it's going to be great. There's moments, it's going to be not so great. The fear is like always there. But it's like a rush. Right? It's a rush, because we're going towards what we desire. So I hope that roller coaster analogy made sense to you. Because for me, I honestly can't think of a better analogy when it comes to fear and our dreams and being scared and that every part of the journey has a little bit of fear in it, it never goes away. Right? Just like my analogy at the very top about being scared to coach one on one at the beginning. And then, you know, I was totally fine for three years. And then this client comes who's a master coach and is like, I want to be coached by you. And I'm sitting in that roller coaster seat. And I'm like, Hey, kid, can you triple check my belt? Because I don't I don't think I'm safe in here. And then having the coaching session getting to the end and being like, Huh, that was really amazing and fun. So, I want to talk you through the fear protocol. These are the questions that I asked myself when I'm feeling that fear inside of me. Now the fear protocol came to me after reading about this really wonderful Buddhist parable. So this Buddhist parable is about a young warrior woman who was told by her teacher that she had to go into battle with fear. And she was completely terrified because, you know, that's fear, but she knew she had to do it. And she wanted to prepare she didn't know how right you're going to fight fear. What the heck do you do? So at the battle, the young warrior bowed three times to fear and sad. May I have permission to go into battle with you? And fear said thank you for showing So much respect that you ask permission. And then the warrior said, Well, how can I defeat you? And fear replied, My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face, then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say, if you don't do what I tell you, I have no power. You can listen to me. And you can have respect for me. You can even be convinced by me. But if you don't do what I say, I have no power. And in that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. So what does the story teach us? We can't run from fear. We can't avoid fear, fear is always going to be around. So instead of trying to ignore it, and run in the other direction, we have to face it head on, we have to see it, acknowledge it, and respect it. And then we have to look at straight in the eyes and question it and not listen to a damn thing that it says. Love, you cannot listen to fear. Because it will always lead you away from what you most desire. Your fear will always lead you in the opposite direction of your dreams. So here is the fear protocol. The questions that I asked myself in order to face my fear head on. So the first question is, is this leap I'm about to take or this decision that I'm about to make, leading me closer, or further from my dreams? So getting clear on that, okay, the fears here, I'm about to make a decision. I'm about to take a big leap. Is this decision or leap, taking me closer towards my goals or my dreams? So if it's not taking you closer, then this is not for you. This is not for you right now. But if it is, then we're going to go to question two. So the second question is, is the fear that I'm feeling real or perceived? Right? So is my life in danger? Am I putting myself or others in harm's way? If yes, then this fear is a warning sign and you need to Abort mission. Okay? But if no, but let's go to question three. Now getting yourself really grounded, and centered. I want you to speak to your fear. And for some of us, that is a you know, place in our bodies, some of us are very somatic, we can feel it there. Maybe it's in your heart and your belly. For some of us, it's just really journaling this out or asking questions, but I want you to speak to the fear and ask what its biggest worries are and try to name the fear specifically, right? Is it the fear of failure, the fear of making a mistake, the fear of uncertainty. And so when you get clear on those, the fourth thing is to take a moment. And thank the fear for being so open and honest with you. And speak to it now with compassion. And let it know the reasons why it's safe, why it's okay for you to do this thing. Right. Maybe you want to say, I get you're scared, I understand. But I have got this, you can trust me. Or I'm going to figure this out just like I always do. Or maybe you say to it, hey, we're going to try and if x happens, we'll stop. Right? If we, you know, lose $1,000 we'll stop or if we're not spending enough time with our family will stop, right? have like a contingency plan in there. And then check in the final step check in and see what your body feels like see what thoughts you're having see what the fear feels like. Now that you kind of tapped into it and spoken to it. Do you feel a bit safer to take this leap? Right. And if you do, do the damn thing and if you don't either kind of keep connecting to it and see if you can find that sense of safety just a little bit more safe. Or you can just do the damn thing anyway, right? Just like in that Buddhist parable, right? If you don't do what I say I have no power The fear protocol for me is such a useful and necessary tool. It has helped me so many times. I mean, even just that question of is this going towards my dreams? Oh, it is going towards my dreams. Okay, I understand why the fear is here because this is new because this is scary, right? Is this fear real? Or is it just perceived and getting in touch with it? There's a really wonderful quote by Pema children, which says, we think brave people have no fear. The truth is that they are intimate with fear. And honestly, that is the truth. I am so intimate with my fear. I understand why it bubbles up. I understand when it's bubbling up. And I understand how to be with it. You know, just like a partnership, I am intimate with my fear. And that is what I wish for you love because if you are part of this community, I know you're a dreamer. I know that you have hundreds of dreams within your dreams that you want to realize. And you must know that fear is always going to be part of the process. Always. And if you can learn how to shift and reframe your relationship with fear, love, you are limitless. You are so incredibly limitless. So this week, try out the fear protocol and just see what happens from there. I wish for all of us this year to run towards our dreams to run in the direction of our dreams. Until next week, I'll talk to you then. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this week's episode, please share it with a friend. comment and rate this podcast until next week. See you later love