Letting Go | ep57
About this episode:
I gave in. I Marie Kondo’d my home. Over the years, I had heard amazing things about her methodology for cleaning your home but I was so resistant to doing it.
I chalked my resistance up to it being a trend or a fad. Anytime something becomes super popular, I’m the first person to give it the side eye. But a friend encouraged me to read her book and as I read it, I realized the root of my resistance- I didn’t want to let go of my things.
Now listen, I’m not a hoarder... (Although sometimes I wonder if I didn’t live in NY where space is a rare luxury that perhaps I would become someone you would see on an A&E special… but I digress). But I’m also not a minimalist. My closet and bookshelves could most certainly be defined as overflowing.
But I took pride in their abundance.
And as I read Marie Kondo’s words, encouraging me to let go and get rid of, I could feel the tension well up inside me. I couldn't imagine parting with my beloved items. And then I read a passage that shifted it all for me:
“We should be choosing what we want to keep, not what we want to get rid of.”
Marie wasn’t asking me to get rid of, she was asking me to get intentional with what gets to stay. I had been associating letting go with lack, with negative space, with emptiness. 3
But letting go is less about not having, and more about deliberately choosing what you do want to have. It’s surrounding yourself with the things that make you feel abundant. So I shifted my perspective to: what do I want to stay, what do I want to surround myself with, what do I want to see each and every day.
That's when I started to sort and sift through my clothes with wild, blissful abandon. And as I started to let go I had a total a-ha moment- most of the things in my home were just “okay.” They actually weren’t items that filled me with joy. They were things that I had been holding on to because I didn’t believe I deserved more or could have more. My pajama drawer was full of ratty old clothes. My closet was filled with clothes that didn’t fit, were falling apart or I hadn’t worn in forever.
All these items were taking up space in my life and I had mistaken the lack of space with abundance. But it wasn’t abundance, it was just a whole bunch of good enough.
All of us in some area in our life are holding on to so many good enoughs:
Good enough friends
Good enough partners
Good enough professional lives
And we hold on to them, because we are so afraid of lack. But we don’t realize that we can’t make space for better if we don’t let go of the good enoughs.
I quite literally had no more space in my closet and drawers for the items that I really and truly wanted. And moreover, I couldn’t see the lack because I had no space to see the contrast. I now finally can see where I can have more joy and where I deserve better and my first intention is to get myself the silkiest, most beautiful pajama set ever. My vision is that one day I open every drawer and closet in my house and it fills me with 100% joy.
Love, now I ask you: where in your life is your metaphorical closet overflowing with the good enoughs? Where in your life are you holding on to that dress that no longer fits or that t-shirt that is ratty but is better than nothing?
As long as we hold on to the good enoughs we can't see where we are lacking and we cannot make space for what we desire.
Head to the podcast where I breakdown exactly how you can utilize 3:3:1, and how I recommend you use my Productivity Protocol.
A quote to take with you:
“We don’t realize that we can’t make space for better if we don’t let go of the good enoughs.”
This week, I invite you to…
Ask yourself:
When I think of letting go, I feel…
Where in your life do you feel like you may be holding on to good-enoughs? If you can name the good-enoughs specifically, do so.
Want to dive deeper through the full journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life and you have come to the right place. Let's create your dream life while living your dream life. Okay, love. Hi love. Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at wholehearted coaching or you can get the full post plus journal prompts. When you sign up for my email list. You can do that in the show notes or you can head to my website wholehearted dash coaching calm. So in today's episode, we're talking about letting go. We're going to talk about the difficulties we have with letting go. We're going to reframe what letting go is, and then we're going to talk about some of the positive outcomes of us letting go. Now one thing I know you're thinking of that Disney song, I know every time I said, letting go, you heard that song in your head and I promise you, I will not sing that song throughout this episode. And I will not even mention it. Okay, so we all have the song in our head. And now we're just letting it go. Okay, oh my god, I just said let it go. Don't Don't go there. Don't do it. I did it. What have you done to us? So I'm also there's gonna be a lot of stories in this episode. Because this idea of letting go and reframing what letting go is really just occurred to me happened to me this past week. So this episode is going to be full of my own personal stories as I have been reevaluating what letting go is in my mind. So let me read to you today's Mindset Monday. It says letting go is less about getting rid of and more about making space for truth is you can't make space for better if you keep holding on to good enough. Today's Mindset Monday is completely inspired by my spring cleaning, my recent spring cleaning. Whenever we get close to spring, it's almost like this biology in me that I feel this itch this urge to go through our home and to just throw things out, get rid of things. And this year, a good friend of mine was like, Hey, have you ever tried the Marie Kondo method? Now listen, y'all. I know Marie Kondo has been around for a really long time. And this may not be news for you. But I was really resistant to doing the Marie Kondo method. Anytime anything becomes a fad, or super popular. I become like a super hater. I do not like this about myself. But it's something I recognize. Maybe Maybe you're like me, but whenever something is something that everyone is telling you to do, right? Like, oh, you should do the Marie Kondo method changed my life. I'm like, No, no, thank you. I don't want to do that. And also, I was like, okay, she's like, telling me to, like, you know, go through my home and throw things out and like, touch them and see if they spark joy. Yeah, like, Whatever. I'm already cleaning my home. I know how to do that. But my friend really encouraged me to read the book. She even sent me a copy. She's like, I'm going to send you a free copy of this book. Read it, just see what comes up for you. Okay, y'all, this book is the truth. This book is not just about clothes and items. It's not about what's happening in your external world. It's so much about what's happening internally. And it totally reframed my ideas of what letting go is. Now before I had done the method, it's not like I had a house that was overflowing with things. I live in New York. So you know, space is a real rare luxury here. And so, growing up over the years here in the city, I've learned how to kind of prioritize what stays in my home. However, side note, I do think that if I did not live in New York, that I would definitely be featured on a Monday hoarders like someone to be breaking down my door and be like, Ma'am, ma'am, we can hear the cats. We got to come in. That's a sign side note though. But New York has taught me that I cannot keep everything that I want to keep. And so I do sift and sort through my things at least twice a year to get rid of things. So I was like, I don't know is this Marie Kondo method really going to do much for me, and as I read the book, I could feel myself kind of getting angry. Having this tension towards The words and what she was telling me to do. And I was like, wait a sec, Why are you getting so reactive to this, this woman's wonderful, well meaning advice. And I realized that I didn't want to let go of my stuff. Because our stuff isn't just stuff. Our stuff is our connection to our past. And to our future. There's a really amazing quote in the book, I'm going to read it to you, which sums it up, she says. But when we really delve into the reasons for why we can't let something go, there are only two, an attachment to the past, or a fear for the future. So my closet wasn't just full of dresses and shirts, it was full of my memories. It was full of my memories. As a singer. You know, I had dresses in there from my auditions, dresses, where I remember going to places like Carnegie Hall, and being so nervous, and getting these huge jobs I dreamed about my closet was full of a former version of myself, a smaller version of myself, a version of myself, that really loved to wear certain items, items that really if I now think about where I am in my life, they don't really bring me joy, but I was holding on to them because I was holding on to her. And then if we think of our our closet, when it comes to the future, I was holding on to things that I was like, Oh, well, I'll wear that when all wear that if y'all I can't tell you I had all these fancy ass robes in my closet that I have never worn because, oh, I'll wear that when I'm baking pancakes on him Sunday morning. And I want to look like Doris Day, y'all, I've had this beautiful vintage robe for seven years, never ever worn it. Or sometimes, you know, we're holding on to items in our closet, where we're like, Well, when I lose X amount of pounds, I will wear this thing or I should keep this in case. And so as I'm reading Marie Kondo, his words, I'm like, ah, I get it. Letting Go isn't just about you know, just throwing things out. It's about you going through your past, you grieving that you letting go of that identity, and also, perhaps letting go and grieving of a future, a future that you have been thinking is going to happen and just really hasn't saw I was like, Okay, okay, Marie, I see what you're doing. I see that the clothing, right is is really this metaphor. It's this metaphor for who we were and who we think we should be. And so I could tell I knew that my resistance was not about the items. It was about who I was and who I thought I should be I was supposed to be or who I am becoming. So as Marie Kondo said, I was like, Okay, I get it, Marie, past future, grab all my stuff, and I put it in the middle of the room. And so again, you're supposed to go through each item in your closet, as Marie Kondo says, touch it, and see if it sparks joy for you. And I'm kind of like touching the things and I'm like, Well, I don't I don't know like, is this joy? I don't know. Am I feeling joy? And I was having a lot of difficulties with with this process of touching everything and seeing if it spark joy. And then I read a passage in the book and it clarified everything for me and it clarified what some of my resistance was. And the passage reads, we should be choosing what we want to keep, not what we want to get rid of. So I had always equated letting go with negative space, with emptiness with lack. Whereas in this way that she reframes it, letting go is not about getting rid of. It's about you becoming intentional with what gets to stay. It's about you becoming deliberate with what you surround yourself with, with what you see every day. Right. Letting Go is less about not having and more about choosing what you do want to have. You see, I realized that I had thought I was abundant. Because I had so much stuff. There was no space in my house right my closets were pretty full. My shelves were pretty full and I was like, Oh, that's that's abundance. But what I realized as I went through each and every item, these items that were taking up so much space was that most of these items were just okay items. They were good enough items. They were not sparking joy. And so my house, my closets were filled to the brim with just good enough. And because there was no space, there was a lack of space. I was like, Oh, this must be abundance. Right? This must be abundance. But I wasn't looking at each and everything and realizing that I had filled my closet filled my life with a whole bunch of good enough. I went through my pajama drawer, y'all, my pajama drawer door is just ratty old clothes, right? my closet was filled with things that didn't fit anymore were things that were falling apart things that I had, hadn't worn in forever. And I had been tricked. Right? Because there was no space. I was like, I'm abundant. I have so many things. But I wasn't looking at what that things actually were. That's not abundance. That's just a whole bunch of good enough. And did I want to surround myself with good enough? Did I want to deliberately choose to keep good enough. So this is where we're going to go into the metaphor y'all. All of us in some area of our life are holding on to good enough's, a closet full of good enough sprite, whether that is good enough friends, good enough partnerships, good enough professional lives, good enough personal lives. We're holding on to this closet and refilling it with things that are just good enough. Because if I am being honest with you, as I went through this process of does it spark joy? Is it good enough? If I was to actually let go of all of the things that were good enough, I wouldn't have a closet that was very full. I would, I would have to be walking around naked most of the time, right. And I think that's what ends up happening also in our personal lives. We hold on to friendships that are good enough. Because if we get rid of them, then there's nothing else. There's no one else to hang out with. We hold on to jobs that are good enough. Because Well, if we got rid of them, then well, how are we going to pay our bills? Right? How are we going to survive in the world? We hold on to partnerships, relationships that are good enough, because if we let go of them, then we will be alone. And we mistake these things sometimes for abundance. We mistake these things for our lives, you know, being full and fulfilling, but they're not in the pit of our stomach. They're not because let me tell you, when I opened my closet before I did this whole Marie Kondo thing, I didn't open up and say, Oh my god, this is the most fulfilling Joyce barking closet of all time. No, it was it worked. It worked. There was a skirt there, there was a shirt there, I could wear that. But I didn't open up that closet and say, Oh my gosh, I love every item in this closet. And I cannot wait to wear this outfit today. So going through this process for me, of actually having to be really honest with myself that yo you're surrounding yourself with clothing with items that are good enough. And realizing that when it came to the clothes, I wasn't buying the items I truly wanted, because I didn't believe I deserve them. Y'all, I have this dress that I really want to buy just beautiful knit dress, and I've had it my eye on it since like a year ago. And it's kind of expensive. I can afford it if I really intentionally kind of put money away but it's expensive. And when I get down to it, yeah, if I opened up my closet and that dress was there. That would fill me with so much joy but I don't believe I deserve it. I'm not worthy of spending that much money on myself. Again, right? So we have this life full of good enough's. But one, we're afraid to let go of them because of that absence of space, right? What am I going to wear? Who am I going to hang out with? How am I going to make money right? That absence of space scares us. But it's not just the absence of space. It's also Am I deserving and worthy of better than this? Is it possible for me to have better than this? And going through this process of throwing things away, I realized Yes. I want to open up every drawer every closet in my home and it fill me with So much joy. So right now y'all, I have a pretty bare closet and it's a closet, that's probably 60% joy and 40% good enough, but knowing where those good enough's are, listen, I'm on the search for those items of clothing that are going to fill me with so much joy. And my first item that I'm gonna purchase is a beautiful silky, pajama set, right, because I deserve a beautiful silky pajama set. And so as we're talking about this idea of Okay, letting go is not getting rid of, it's about making space for. So had I not gotten rid of these clothes that are not gone through each and everything, I wouldn't have seen that I had space to fill, right. So I couldn't fit that thing into my life. Because literally, there were no more hangers, there was no more space in my closet to fill with stuff. And so it happens with us, right? If we're hanging out with like 10 friends, every month, there is no space to fill that with new friends, there's no time we don't have any energy. But also if we don't go through this process of inventory, then we don't realize where the gaps are. Right? If I had not gone through my closet, I wouldn't have realized where so many of those gaps are. From my underwear to the dresses, right? All the way down from the bottom to the top. So I'm not saying I want you to get rid of your job and get rid of your friends today. But I am asking you love. Put all those things into that metaphorical pile in your room. Touch each thing and see if it sparks joy for you. And if it doesn't, I'm not telling you to get rid of it today. But to imagine what you would love that space to be filled with. Right? That if that thing wasn't there, what kind of friend what you love to be there? What kind of job? Would you like to be there instead? What would fill you with joy and becoming conscious of that shifts so much for us? Right? I'm not asking you to get rid of anything. I'm definitely not the coach, I do not ever tell my clients to quit your job today. No, that's something you need to take time with. But if your job is not sparking joy for you, look at your job, look at each and every element of it and see what things you do like because even in some of the worst jobs, there are things we do like whether that's just making money, right? See the things in that job that spark joy for you. If you find that your friend circle isn't really fulfilling, you are nourishing you, there are going to be things there that you do like right? See what things do spark joy for you and see what things don't create that inventory for yourself love. abundance is not a lack of space. abundance is making space for what you truly want. abundance is opening up your closet is looking at all your contacts in your phone. And that sparking joy for you. So let's do a little bit of a review. Because there's a lot of ideas in this podcast episode. So one of the reasons why letting go is so hard for us is because we are letting go not just the things not just of people, not just of professions, but we're letting go of the past, and also coming to terms with our future. Right. So if you find that for you just even going through your closet is a tough thing. Love that is a tough thing, because that is your identity. And there's a sense of grief and sorrow and transformation. And all of that is really deep. So as we're talking about letting go love, I want you to look at those things. Look at those areas in your life. Where you know, the perhaps you need to do some spring cleaning, right? Because spring cleaning is not just about the things in our lives. It's also about the people in our lives. It's about the way we spend our time. Spring Cleaning is such a broader thing. So as you spring clean, I want you to identify some places in your life. It could be your clothing, it could be your community, whatever it is where you feel like okay, I need to go through an inventory. I need to sift and sort through this and see if some of the resistance that comes up for you is tied to those ideas of the past and the future and allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to process that right because I think this was what's so transformational about Marie Kondo is methodology is that she's not just telling you to throw things out. She's telling you to go through each thing and see what meaning it had to or has to you. And she says she has this beautiful ritual that if you want to get rid of something if you're ready to let go of something that actually has a lot of memories tied to it. You think it, you say like, thank you for being such an incredible part of my life. Thank you for being there with me on the first date, or thank you for being there with me on that huge interview. Thank you so much. And then letting it go. Alright, so this isn't just about us throwing things into a garbage bag. This is about us recognizing who we were thinking that version, letting go of that version, and really stepping into who we are today. And then as you sift and sort through those things, as you see whether this is the past or the future coming up for you really realizing that letting go is not about getting rid of, it's about making space for so imagining what you are making space for in your life. For me, I'm imagining I'm making space for that beautiful dress that I've been dreaming off for a year, I am making space for the most beautiful set of pajamas. So if this is about your community, who are you making space for? What kind of person are you making space for, and realizing that in order to call those things in, we really do need to let go of, we need to create that space for those things to fit to come in, right, whether that space means energy, or time, or in my case with my closet, physical space. Love abundance is not just surrounding yourself with stuff with people with items. abundance is surrounding yourself with stuff and people and items that truly fill you with joy. That is abundance and abundance. Could be for friends. Abundance could be 10 items in your closet, whatever that is for you. But those things being items and people and places and opportunities that you have deliberately chosen in your life. Because imagine what it would be like to surround yourself with the people the opportunities and the items that just make you feel joyful and nourished and filled. Now that to me sounds like abundance. So this year, I want you to reframe what spring cleaning is. It's not just about the home, it's about our lives. It's about looking at what we want to keep. And then as we let go of what we want to make space for. Until next week, love. I will talk to you then. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this week's episode, please share it with a friend. comment and rate this podcast until next week. See you later. Love