Name and Claim Your Needs | ep59
About this episode:
All of us have needs, wants, and desires, but so often we're either shaming ourselves for having them or looking outside of ourselves to help satiate them.
I used to be so ashamed of how much love I needed. It was something I became acutely aware of when I was young.
I needed too many hugs.
I needed too many kisses.
I needed too many words of affirmation.
It seemed like I was the only person who needed this much love. I started to believe that there was something wrong with me and so I stifled this need. But the more I ignored it, the stronger it became.
I started to search everywhere for love. And the more I searched, the more ashamed of myself I became.
I searched for it in my relationships.
I searched for it in my work.
I searched for it each and every day.
I wanted to be loved so badly. It was an insatiable hunger, as if no amount of love was ever enough.
In Buddhism there is a concept called The Hungry Ghost. It’s the insatiable part of you that is never satisfied.
It always wants:
More love
More validation
More affirmation
More success
More stability
Our hungry ghost tricks us into thinking that if we just get a little more, we will be satiated. So, it makes us endlessly search for that one thing that will finally make us feel whole. But in our search, we fall out of alignment, we fall out of our integrity. We hurt ourselves and others.
When we operate from our hungry ghosts, we are operating from our old wounds.
Our hungry ghosts are exactly that, the ghost of a former version of ourselves that never got what they needed. And so they make us continually search for that elusive feeling of wholeness we never got when we were younger. They make us search in everything outside of ourselves.
The truth is, our ghosts are on to something. We do need that thing. I need love. I love love. But when I allow my hungry ghost to search for that love, I make poor decisions, and ultimately end up causing harm to myself.
There is a balance. A place where your hungry ghost ends and you begin.
A place where you can ask for what you need, not from a place of insatiable hunger but from a place of absolute knowing- this is what I need to thrive. I need love to thrive. Perhaps you need validation to thrive. Or maybe it’s that you need to be seen.
Claim it, love.
Claim what you need.
There is no shame in what allows us to be our most full selves but we must be aware of what is fueling our desire for this need. Is it our insatiable hunger or the deep knowing that knows what’s best for us?
So how do we make the distinction?
1. Become aware of the symptoms of your hungry ghost
Whenever I am operating from a place of my hungry ghost there is a frantic and manic energy inside me. I stop trusting myself and my intuition and I’m looking outwards to help soothe myself. I start to have lots of obsessive, ruminating thoughts and am constantly trying to figure out what other people are thinking about me.
2. When you become aware of the symptoms, tend to yourself. Meaning, take a moment and check in.
When I become aware of my hungry ghost symptoms I will pause and start taking deep breaths. Sometimes I place a hand on my heart. I get in touch with that younger version of me that really needs this thing so badly and I soothe her. No shame, no judgement, just curiosity and awareness. I say something like. “Hey, I understand you’re feeling worried/scared/left out. I’m here for you.”
3. Get in touch with what you need and see if you truly need that thing from the outside or if you can fulfill it yourself.
Get clear on what your hungry ghost is asking for. Then see if you actually need it the way your hungry ghost desires it or if instead you can give that thing to yourself in a more nourishing way.
The more you become aware of your hungry ghost, the more you will be able to find that place of balance. The more you will be able to recognize when a need is coming from an insatiable hunger and when a need is coming from a place of total knowing.
Remember:
Each and every one of your needs is valid, worthy and deserving.
Each and every one of your needs is needed for you to thrive, love.
If these ideas are resonating with you and you want to go deeper, I really recommend checking out this podcast episode where I share exactly how you can start to tend to your hungry ghosts. Tune in below.
A quote to take with you:
“Each one of your needs is valid, worthy, and deserving.”
This week, I invite you to…
Ask yourself:
What are my hungers that never seem to be satisfied? (ex: achievement, love, stability)
What does it feel like when I’m operating from this insatiable hunger? (i.e. physically, emotionally)
Want to dive deeper through journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life and you have come to the right place. Let's create your dream life while living your dream life. Okay love. Hi love. Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at wholehearted coaching or you can get the full post plus journal prompts. When you sign up for my email list. You can do that in the show notes or you can head to my website wholehearted dash coaching calm. So in today's episode, I'm going to be sharing with you two of my most favorite Buddhist or mindfulness concepts that completely transformed my life. And we're talking about a subject that actually has been coming up a lot with my clients and also in my group coaching program, wholehearted woman. And I always know that a subject should be talked about on the podcast when I feel like everyone is kind of talking about it, struggling with it and exploring it a little bit further. So today we're going to be talking about our needs, the things that we desire, the things that we want, and not in that way of figuring out what those things are. But talking about the shame or the guilt that we often have around having needs and wants in wholehearted woman this month, we are looking at manifestation. So in each month in the program, we have a different topic that we explore and really master. And so this month, it's manifestation. So of course with manifestation, the first thing is, well, what do you want? And so we had a beautiful group coaching call about just getting clear on what you need and what you want. And as a coach, I showed up and thought, Okay, well, we're going to talk about, you know, partners and new jobs and money. But instead, we ended up having this really beautiful deep discussion about wants and needs like love, validation, appreciation, acknowledgement. Those are things that we all want and need, and often carry a lot of guilt and shame around. Right? How much love we need, how much we need to be validated or acknowledged. And so in today's episode, we're going to look at that we're going to look at what do you need love? And are you shaming yourself out of it? And what are some of the tools and I'll be sharing with you my two favorite concepts and tools from mindfulness that have helped me shift my beliefs around needs and wants and how I go after my needs and my wants. So today's Mindset Monday reads, no longer shrink away from what you need. No longer shame yourself for what you want. Know what makes you thrive. Name it, claim it revel in it. So I'm going to tell you a very, very personal story. I, for a very, very long time was ashamed of how much love I needed. It was something that I became very aware of when I was a young girl like in my household, I wanted all the hugs and all the kisses and I really couldn't get that love. Now some context for my family. My background, I grew up in a household where there was a lot of PTSD. We had just immigrated from Iran to Canada. And of course at that time, right things like PTSD and mental health just weren't discussed, right. Going to therapy, which now is becoming more and more commonplace really wasn't a thing then especially for an immigrant family. And so my parents, I love them so, so much. And now I can see this as an adult, they were trying their best they truly were. But they didn't have the emotional availability for this young girl who just wanted all of the kisses and all of the hugs and all of the snuggles. And so from a really, really young age, I kind of learned Oh, there's something wrong with you. You need way too much love because look at these people around you, right? They seem to be fine. And they don't need all these hugs and these kisses and these words of affirmation. And so there must be something wrong with this need, your need for love. And so I I kind of really imbued and embodied this as a truth, right? That I need too much love, right? Being a child. I couldn't look around me and see the context, see the environment and perhaps understand, okay, well, my parents actually don't have that emotional availability. That's something I can see now as an adult, but what was very real to him. What seemed to be the truth for me as a young girl was Shirin, you need too much love. And so then I, you know, started to grow and started to become a young woman. And still having this belief of I need too much love. However, Love is Something that I actually really do need. I love, love. And so throughout most of my childhood, and up until maybe four or five years ago, when I really started doing this deep work, I was searching for love all over the place, right searching for it in people in relationships, searching for love, in my work, searching for love from all of these things outside of me, and never being able to kind of fill up that well, that endless well that I had. And also on top of that, feeling really ashamed of myself, feeling really ashamed of all this love that I needed, that there was something wrong with me, I can remember one of my long term relationships in my 20s. My partner, wonderful guy, and we were together for about four years, but he was actually someone who was very emotionally unavailable. Of course, you know, a lot of the times our relationships are kind of mirrors of what we grew up with, right? Because that's what we feel comfortable around, right? I was comfortable around the behavior of someone not being really fully emotionally available. Again, he was a wonderful person, but he just didn't have that capacity for you know, big, broad emotions and talking about those things. And in the relationship, I was constantly asking for yearning for craving, for love from this person. And no matter what he did, or said, right, like, it's not like he didn't tell me, he loved me. It's not like he didn't do things that showed me his love. It wasn't enough for me, it was never enough. And I remember when we broke up, we actually had a very mature and adult breakup. But one of the things I said was, I have I'm tired of making you feel like, you are not enough, like you can't do enough. And I'm also tired of not really getting what I need. And this kind of was a pattern though, throughout my entire life, not just with, you know, romantic relationships, but familial relationships, friendships, and also in my work, right, love being translated into affirmation and validation. And of course, being a performing artist at that time, Oh, my gosh, right. There is so much validation and affirmation that you can get right from newspaper articles to how you performed to your director, to the conductor, to whomever. But it's like you're constantly doing things to get this sense of validation and love. And so here I was, a woman in my early 30s, really carrying around this wound, of not being really shown the love that I needed when I was younger. And also carrying around this shame, for wanting so much love. So as I'm talking about this, I want you to think of perhaps, what your thing may be the thing that a younger version of yourself truly wanted so badly, whether that was to be seen, to have security, to have stability, to be acknowledged, that thing that you really, really desired and just couldn't get in the way that you needed to get it right shown in the way that you needed for it to be shown. And perhaps now we're carrying so much shame and guilt around this thing that you need, like a I hate that I need so much validation, I hate that I need to you know, be so validated or affirmation or whatever that is for you. So then, as I, you know, started to venture more into self growth and self healing, I came across this concept of the hungry ghost, and the hungry ghost. It's kind of this mythological character in Buddhism, that we all embody hungry ghosts. So the hungry ghost is actually really creepy characters if, if you Google it, and if you look at a picture of a hungry ghost, it's kind of scary, but there are these big bellied kind of beasts characters who also look really scrawny, with these tiny little mouths. So think of like Gollum in Lord of the Rings if your Lord of the Rings kind of character, right. So their bellies are full, but they're also kind of malnourished because they're quite skinny, and their mouths are just constantly open. And so the idea in Buddhism is, all of us have hungry ghosts, meaning the parts of us that are never seen initiated or fulfilled with a thing. Never satiated with with enough love or with enough affirmation or success or achievements, like it's never enough are hungry ghosts are always hungry. There's endlessly searching for that one thing that will finally make them feel whole make us feel whole. But the hungry ghost is insatiable, right? It's always hungry. its belly is full. But it's malnourished, because it's just constantly searching and looking for. And that's what my relationship with this thing called love was, was that I was searching for it everywhere. I needed it so, so badly. And because I was in this place of the hungry ghost, this insatiable desire, right, I was doing things making decisions that were out of my integrity, right, that were not following my intuition, I was making decisions that often hurt myself and often others, right, I can think of this so clearly when I was in relationships, just being in a relationship with a person because I needed love so badly, right. And when I didn't get that love reacting at them, so viscerally so angrily, because they couldn't say she ate this hungry ghost within me. When we operate from our hungry ghosts, we're operating from our old wounds. A hungry ghost is exactly that it is a ghost. It is the ghost of your former self searching for that thing that they never got in the way that they need it. Searching, endlessly searching everywhere, and never being able to fully satiated. And so as I talk about this, I wonder if something is resonating for you, that part of you that feels like it's never fully satiated, no matter how much you do, how much success you have, how much money you have, how many times someone tells you, you are enough, or you are good or you are loved. It's just never enough. Because this is when we're operating from our hungry ghost. My hungry ghost is my little five year old six year old self, looking for love in a home, where everyone at the time was unavailable, looking for love in a new country that I didn't understand. Looking for love as this young, brown, chubby immigrant girl who didn't understand the culture didn't understand anything, just searching for love. And so I was operating from that place of my hungry ghost. And instead of being able to, like notice that and show it compassion and love, because I didn't have those skills, yet those tools yet that understanding. I was so mean to it. I would shame it away, I would judge it. Right? When we're like, oh, why do you need so much love? Like why? Why are you asking your partner to tell you they love you again, right? where like, in those moments when I would pick a fight with my partner, because I didn't feel loved. And there was that part of me that's like, Oh, my gosh, like what is wrong with you? How many times can you hear I love you? How many times can this person show you that they love you. So I was guilting this part of me shaming this part of me this young girl, this five, six year old girl. And so this is the second concept in mindfulness that transformed my life, which is the second arrow, which is something I have talked about on this podcast before. So the second arrow is the arrow of judgment, guilt, blame and shame that we put on ourselves when we do something wrong or make a poor decision or do something we don't like. So the first arrow is the wound. The first arrow is that young girl not getting enough love. The first arrow is getting broken up with the first arrow is not getting that job. And instead of tending to the wound, instead of showing yourself love and compassion and allowing yourself to process those really hard and icky feelings. What we do instead, is we use the second arrow, the second arrow of judgment, shame and blame, which does distract us. It distracts us from actually feeling those feelings of hurt and disappointment and heartache. But it also exacerbates the pain. It prolongs the pain and it makes us think that we are to blame for this, right. And so instead of tending to my wound, my first wound which was that five, six year old girl who was looking for love, I was making her feel like shit through the shame and the blame and what ends up happening when we do this, this process of the second error which we All Do I still do it? Right? It's like kind of a reaction right? You just do it. It exacerbates and magnifies that need. So um, I don't know much about you know, I but I hate diet culture and I'm not an expert in diet culture, but I have read that bingeing right bingeing when when you know, it's like late at night and you're like, Oh my god, I'm gonna eat all these cookies, I need all these chips or whatever that is whatever you love to eat. bingeing happens when we deny ourselves the things that we really love. And like, when we don't give ourselves enough nutrition throughout the day, right. So when we shame and blame ourselves, when we cast judgment upon ourselves for these things that we actually need, right, then we binge, and we binge in really harmful ways. We binge on our partners on our jobs, whatever it is for you, right, because you haven't been acknowledging that need that desire that want. Instead you've been like repressing it and being like, I don't need that I don't need that. And then late at night, what ends up happening, you end up texting that person, you end up sending that email, you end up taking it all out on yourself. So the truth is, I believe that our hungry ghosts are kind of on to something. It's not that I don't need love. I actually love love. But there is a balance. There is a balance, where I can ask for what I need from a place of absolute knowing instead of from a place of insatiable hunger. Right when I'm in that place of insatiable, hunger and bingeing, I'm making decisions that aren't aligned that aren't part of my intuition. But when I'm taking making decisions from place of absolute, knowing what I'm doing is I am nourishing myself with what I need, with what I need to thrive. I love love, I need love. And when I was able to find this balance, when I was able to recognize when I'm falling over into hungry ghost areas right into that hungry ghost mindset, I just check in with myself, and we're gonna go through how you can check in with yourself. But what this idea with this practice helped me do was to first claim that I love love, I need love. Okay, I need love, I actually probably need love, perhaps more than the average Joe and I am so okay with that. Because if I was a flower, again, it's spring, all the flower metaphors this month, if I was a flower, my care instructions would be shower her with love. Okay, this flower needs lots of love. And I'm claiming that I was able to claim that and say to future partners and show to future partners, this is how you love me, and this is how much love I need to thrive. But I wasn't operating from that place of the hungry ghost. Right? I found the balance. And today, you know, of course, the hungry ghosts are always a part of us, right? My inner child is always a part of me. And I can tell when I'm falling into that territory. So how do we figure that out? How do we make the distinction if we are asking for what we need from that place of insatiable hunger, right, the hungry ghost, or the deep knowing that knows what's best for us. So the first thing is we have to become aware of the symptoms of our hungry ghost, right what it feels like when you're in the place of the hungry ghost. So I found that whenever I'm operating from that place, there was this real frantic and manic energy inside me. I stopped trusting myself and my intuition and I'm looking outwards to soothe myself. I often get really obsessive, I get ruminating thoughts, I'm very reactive. And I'm constantly just like thinking about what other people are thinking what other people are doing, right? So this is what I know. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay, it seems like you're in the hungry ghost area. Right? And when I am aware that when I become aware of it, I take a moment and I pause and I check in. I tend to myself, I tend to myself, so I become aware of the symptom. And then instead of shaming myself, instead of blaming or judging myself, I tend to myself, I'll pause some times and take a deep breath. And again, this could literally be just five seconds, right? Or sometimes it's like more than that a half hour an hour. I'll pause, take deep breaths, place a hand on my heart. I get in touch with that younger version of me that really wants this thing so badly. And I sue her. No shame, no judgment. Just awareness, curiosity. love, compassion. Whatever I have at hand in that moment, right? I use, so something like compassion and self love may not be available to you at that time. But curiosity and awareness, they may be, right. And I say to myself something along the lines of, Hey, I understand you're feeling worried or you're scared or you feel left out. I'm here for you. I'm here for you and allow it to if it can express itself, but just allow it to be validated. Right. And then, as we get in touch, right, so we become aware of the symptoms, we tend to the part, right. And this is really important, because sometimes we become aware of the symptoms, and we're like, well, I need to send this text or I need to get this person to say that no attending to it means tending to yourself, not tending to what you think the problem is where the solution is, right? Because when we're in the place of a hungry ghost, again, we are not in alignment, we're not in touch with our intuition, we're not in touch with our inner compass, none of that, right, we're operating from another younger version of ourselves, we're operating from this place of insatiable need, right? So tending to yourself. And once you've kind of like, placed the hand on the heart, taking the breaths, set a phrase, whatever that is for you, then you're getting in touch with, hey, well, what do you need, and this is where we nurture. So nurture, if you become aware of this part of me needs love or validation, it becomes Okay, well, is this something that I need to get from the outside? Right? Is this something that I need my partner to do for me? And the answer may be yes, the answer may be yes. But now we can ask our partner to do this thing from a really aligned place from a place where we can respond instead of reacting? Or is this thing that I I need is something I can provide myself right now? Right? So is that love? Something that I can just give myself is that acknowledgement? Is that validation? Something that I can give myself right now? So becoming aware of the symptoms, right? What are your telltale signs that you're in hungry, Ghost territory, and then tending to yourself, and then nurturing, nurturing that part nurturing the moment, the more you do this, the more you become aware of this hungry ghost area, the more you're going to be able to find that place of balance, the more you're going to be able to actually get the thing that you truly desire and need, the more you're going to become aware of what you do need to thrive. Love each and every one of your needs is valid, worthy and deserving. And each and every one of your needs is needed for you to thrive. Right? Again, we're gonna use plants as a metaphor, but we have some plants in our house that are a very high maintenance, okay, they like literally, if you move them 25 degrees out of the sun, they're just like, fall apart, because they need a lot of sun. They need a lot of day to day care. really become honest with yourself. What kind of plant? Are you those self care instructions that come with your plant? What is on it? Do you need acknowledgement? Do you need love? Do you need lots of tending to that is all right, love. That is absolutely All right, you claim it, you claim it no longer shame yourself for the things that you desire. But what we're doing what we're talking about today, is becoming really aware of what is motivating this thing that you need? Is it the hungry ghost, that's never going to be satiated, the hungry ghost that makes you do things that often cause harm to yourself and others? Or is it from that place of deep, inner intuitive knowing. And when we can operate from that place of deep inner knowing. That's when life transforms. Listen, I have a partner today who shows me so much damn love, so much love each and every day. It is not love that I demand or I asked for. But I show it to him. I didn't say to him early on, like you need to love me a lot. But I show it to him right we can show our people what it takes for us to blossom and bloom and grow and thrive. And it was coming from a place of Hey, this is what I need. Not demanding. Right not getting angry, not getting frustrated, but just saying very clearly showing very clearly this is what I need. And because I wasn't shaming and blaming and making myself feel bad for how much love I needed. I also found a partner who is that emotionally available, because in the past I was so ashamed of myself. I thought I had an issue with how much love I needed and so I was constantly saying yes to people who weren't really emotionally available. And that may be your jam, right? I don't know what your care instructions are for your plant. But listen, this plant right here, she needs lots of love, lots of joy. And you know what? A lot of attention. So love. I want you to get clear on what you need. I want you to embrace it. I want you to hug those needs like a hug in the heart. those needs are what make you grow and thrive and become the most beautiful, most fully formed version of yourself. So name it, claim it and revel in those things love, no more guilt, no more shame, no more backing away from these things, truly standing in them from a place of total inner knowing. Until next week. I'll talk to you then. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this week's episode, please share it with a friend. comment and rate this podcast until next week. See you later. Love