The Fear of Getting Exactly What You Want | ep61
About this episode:
So what's up with the sheer terror we sometimes get when we finally achieve a goal we've been working towards?
Listen to this episode to learn how to navigate the worry that often sets in when our dreams actually come true.
Want to dive deeper through journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life and you have come to the right place. Let's create your dream life while living your dream life. Okay love. Hi love. Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post which you can read on Instagram at wholehearted coaching or you can get the full post plus journal prompts. When you sign up for my email list. You can do that in the show notes. Or you can head to my website wholehearted dash coaching. com. So on this podcast, we talk about fear a lot. And that's not because I want to scare you. But we talk about fear. Because in order to reach our goals, our dreams, we have to learn how to navigate fear and not just navigate fear but navigate fear in a healthy way, right so that we can not only achieve our goals, but sustain them. I say this often but our biggest goals, our biggest dreams also hold our biggest fears. And so if we're talking about reaching goals, then we also have to be talking about fear as well, because that is part of the process. So today we're talking about fear. But we're talking about the fear that we have the terror that we get when we actually reach our dreams, that moment where you get the exact thing that you have been working towards, that you have been dreaming of. And there is joy, there is excitement that there is also terror and fear. So that's what we're digging into today. So today's Mindset Monday reads, there will come a moment where you will get exactly what you want. And it will terrify you, not because it's not meant for you or that you're not ready for it. It just means that every goal reached has its own laundry list of worries, uncertainties and stress, life doesn't get easier. Once we get there. It just gets more interesting. So let's rewind to a couple years ago when my husband and I decided to get married. Now this was the easiest decision that I have ever made. When we sat down to have this discussion about our future. It was like yeah, this is a no brainer, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Now, that moment, I had no doubt, no worry, no fear, it just was so clear to me that this was my person. Now let's fast forward to a few weeks before the wedding and I was a ball of doubt and worry. And that scared the hell out of me. I kept thinking that the fear and the doubt and the worry knew something that I didn't know, right that, that if this actually was the right person for me, then why was I scared? Did the fear know something that I didn't know, was the fear trying to tell me that I was I was making a mistake, here is the thing. There will be moments in our life where we get exactly what we want, exactly what we've been dreaming of, or even working towards. And it will scare the crap out of us. And that doesn't mean that it's not meant for us, it doesn't mean we manifested the wrong thing. It doesn't mean we picked the wrong desire, it means we're stepping into something bigger. And that is scary. That is terrifying. In those moments leading up to the wedding, what I was really facing what I was truly realizing for the first time was that I was starting a new chapter with my partner as my husband. And we were stepping into a chapter in which we knew none of the plot, you know, I was realizing that now I was going to be navigating life with another human not as my boyfriend but as my husband. So this meant we would be really facing some big challenges together, we would have to learn how to communicate and compromise on big life decisions. And this was what was really scaring me was this realization of these new unknowns of these things that I really had not thought about before. Now what I was facing in this moment was two things. One was the fear, which we'll talk about in a little bit, but to what I call the if only mindset or the when I mindset now let's talk a little bit about the if only or when I mindset the if only when I mindset sounds a little something like this, when I get a partner, everything is going to be amazing. If only I had my own business life would be so much more free. When I finally get that promotion, I'm going to finally feel at ease. So here's the thing. We all have our if only is or are when eyes, I want you to think when I said those phrases, what are the if only is and when eyes that come up for you, if only when I, we all have them. And the thing is that our if only is and our when eyes trick us, they trick us into thinking that once the if only is solved, once the when AI is reached, then life is going to be so much better on the other side. That if only is and when eyes trick us into thinking that there is a mythical land called there. And once we get there, all of our problems go away. But of course, we all know that's not true. Because we have all gotten there and realized, Oh, wait, now we have a new set of problems and unknowns that we have to face. I always say that on the other side of our if only ease is just another set of if only ease, right? We get that business. And now we have to figure out how to get clients how to support that business, how to maintain that business, we get that home. And now we have to deal with mortgages and contractors, we get that partner. And now we have to learn how to really communicate and compromise and watch their favorite kung fu movie for the billionth time. That is a personal klom of mine, perhaps not yours. But you know what I mean, right on the other side of your if only love is just another set of if only ease. And that's what I was really facing in the weeks leading up to my wedding was that I had built up this husband thing, this wedding thing in my mind. And I thought once you get this thing, everything's going to be so great. On the other side, you're not going to have to worry about anything. And I realized that's a lie. That is a lie. And we all have that love what is your win I that you're holding on to right now, what is your if only that you are holding on to we have to realize that on the other side of those things, when we reach those things, when we solve those things, there is just going to be another set of worries and problems and challenges. And, and that's not a sign that we did it wrong. That's not a sign that this isn't meant for us. But it's a sign that we are stepping into another chapter, we're stepping into something bigger, there will be problems and there'll be challenges but there's also going to be joy and abundance. And that's what I was really learning in that moment. You know, I just thought Oh, this is going to be all happiness and joy and abundance. And the fact that I was feeling worry and fear and doubt was me realizing that Oh, okay. There are some things now that I have to navigate that I've never had to navigate before. So love really become mindful of your if only is and when eyes we all hold on to them. I'm saying this to you right now I've learned this lesson millions of times and I'm still holding on to if only is and when eyes. A lot of my if only is and when eyes if I'm being honest around money, right? If only I had X amount more when I make X amount, right? We all have them. And let me tell you love, you will solve your If only you will finally reach your goal and you will finally reach your dream. I promise you this. But I will also tell you that while there will be joy and abundance waiting for you there, there is going to be another laundry list of things you're going to have to wrap your head around. And that's okay, that's life, right life is the ability to hold both those things as being true. So that terror that you face when you reach your goal isn't a sign that you did it wrong isn't a sign that you're not meant to be here. It's just a sign that Oh, you have stepped into something bigger. And now you are going to have to navigate some new things. That's it. So that's the only mindset. Now let's get into the fear protocol. If you want to go deeper into the fear protocol, you can head to Episode 50 To where I talk all about the fear protocol, but I'm gonna go over it kind of quickly in this episode. So we always have fear before we realize some of our biggest dreams. And that again does not mean that it's not meant for us, it just means that our biggest dreams also hold our biggest fears. Because if I'm being super, super honest, I was also facing fear of failure, fear of vulnerability, fear of the unknown, leading up to my wedding, I had to face parts of me stories about myself and my life that I thought I had healed, I discovered insecurities and worries that I never knew I had, I had to really dig deep and sift through false beliefs that I had been carrying for So, so long. And in that moment, I knew that this fear was an invitation, a difficult, terrifying invitation for me to heal and to grow and to transform. And so I was able to do that by going through the fear protocol, which is four steps for questions to ask yourself, when you're feeling that fear, before you want to do something you really want to do. Right? This is the fear that we have, right before we embark on a dream. So the first question we ask is, is this leap I'm about to take, leading me closer to or further away from my dreams? So in this case, for me, it was closer to right partnership with this human being getting married, was the next step. And that was closer to my dreams. So once I had answered that, the second question is, is the fear real? or perceived? Right? Meaning, is it real? Like is my life in danger? Is my health in danger? Is something going to happen to me? Or is this a perceived fear? So in this case, this was a perceived fear for me. But if you find that your fear is real, then do not go ahead and do not go forth? Right? If it's a perceived fear, go to the third question, which is get grounded in yourself. Get centered and speak to your fear. Some of us are really like somatic and we can dig into our bodies, we can find our fear in our bellies, or in our heart or in our throat. Some of us journal this out, some of us just ask questions, but talk to your fear with compassion, and see if you can name your fear. Right? For me, it was the fear of failure. Oh my gosh, getting married. divorce. That's a possibility. Right? Fear of unknown, I have no idea what's in store for me in this wonderful human being fear of vulnerability of this person, really seeing who I am, quirks and all. So get grounded, and see if you can talk to the fear and see what it has to say, see what wisdom is there in the fear and name it. And the final thing you do is you take a moment and you think your fear, thank you fear for being there trying to protect you, thank you for your for being so open and honest. And offer it some comfort, offer it perhaps what it needs to hear. And that's how I navigated the fear that I had before we got married. I knew that this fear wasn't, you know, a sign that I wasn't supposed to go forth. It was a fear that was really deep rooted something really, really deep within me that was asking to be healed. Our biggest dreams hold our biggest fears as well love. So I want to end the episode with a passage from one of my favorite books. It's Mark debose book of awakening. It's a longer passage but it's so beautifully sums up fear and facing fear and what that looks like and what it feels like. So this passage reads, fear gets its power from are not looking at either the fear or what we're afraid of. Remember that attic or closet door behind which something terrifying waited, and the longer we didn't look, the harder it was to open the door. As a boy, this obsessed me until I would avoid that part of the house. But finally, when no one was home, I felt compelled to face the unknown. I stood before that attic door for the longest time, my heart pounding. It took all my small inner boy strength to open it. I waited at the threshold and nothing happened. I inched my way in and stood in the dark even longer until my breathing slowed and to my surprise, my eyes grew accustomed to the dark Pretty soon, I was able to explore the old musty boxes and found pictures of my grandfather, my father's father, the only one in the family that I am like, seeing those pictures open me to aspects of my spirit. It seems whatever the door, whatever our fear, be at love, or truth, or even the prospect of death. We all have this choice again and again. Avoiding that part of our house, or opening the door and finding out more about ourselves by waiting until what is dark, becomes seeable. I mean, if that isn't what facing fear is like, I don't know, what is. That idea of avoiding it being so afraid of the darkness of the fear of what you're going to find in there. And then when you finally muster up the courage to look at it to be in it to open that door. And you find that actually, there's wisdom here. There is healing here. There is so much insight here. So love this week, I encourage you to perhaps open that door, just like you did when you were a little kid. And you avoided that that closet in the house. Now we all have that closet or door in our house, that room in our house that just terrified you. And now you look back and you say Oh, it was just a dark space. That's it. I encourage you to perhaps open that door and maybe even step inside and see what happens when your eyes become accustomed to the dark and see what you find. Until next week, I will talk to you then. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this week's episode, please share it with a friend. comment and rate this podcast until next week. See you later. Love