How to deal with difficult emotions | ep 127
Today's message is for the challenging times. The times when we can sense difficult emotions developing inside of us, but instead of feeling them, we might choose to push them down or ignore them.
You know the feelings. The ones we associate with being “bad” — like sadness, anger, frustration, for example. The truth is, although these may not be our favorite feelings to go through, they are so important for us to actually feel and process.
This topic is so important to me as it’s inspired by what’s been going on in my personal life and as I always tell you, I’m going through this with you, love.
Over the last few weeks, there has been a lot of chaos and turmoil happening in Iran. As you may or may not know, I am proudly Iranian. I was born in Iran, I have lots of family there, and I travel to Iran as much as I can. Right now, Iran is in absolute chaos and turmoil.
As a result of that, there have been deaths, bloodshed. Many have been jailed, imprisoned, and detained as thousands upon thousands of Iranians protest in the streets fighting for their freedom and simple human rights.
As an Iranian, I'm watching the news, seeing all the images, hearing the stories, and my heart is just breaking. I’m sensing all of those “uncomfortable” feelings and honestly, I’ve been running from them.
I have been so scared to touch those difficult feelings telling myself,
“You don’t have the time right now. Maybe we can schedule time in a couple weeks to be sad. Okay?”
There is this deep belief that if I allow myself to actually feel those difficult emotions, that I will be so overwhelmed I will become immobile. This deep belief says that if I process those feelings, I won’t be able to do anything or handle any of it. So, I’ve just been running away from them.
I swipe away from it online and just head on over to TikTok. Things are more fun over there, right? And if not, I’ll just slink into an all-day British Bake-Off marathon.
It’s clear that I’m trying EVERYTHING possible to not allow myself to deal with these difficult emotions.
And while that may seem like an easy and simple way of handling things, it’s actually manifesting into some self-destruction. Since I’m so afraid to feel the sadness, the overwhelm, the frustration, the grief… I’m procrastinating. I’m not being nice to myself. I’m really judgmental lately. Sometimes, I’m snapping at my husband.
As a coach, I’m aware that I’m not processing these emotions, but as a human being, I just don’t want to.
I once heard that emotions are energy in motion.
I love that definition. It really means that our emotions, our feelings are these currents of energy that move through our bodies and if they’re not processed in a healthy way that allows them to move through freely, the energy will find somewhere to go.
Often, that unprocessed energy goes inward and manifests through us being mean to ourselves. We lose our sense of kindness, self-compassion toward ourselves.
Other times, that energy goes outward to others, the people closest to us.
This visual of energy in motion really reminds us that even if we think we’re not feeling the feelings, we really are. In one way or another.
Although I was really avoiding feeling sadness and grief, I have been feeling this heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. I’ve felt this clenching in my throat. Although I thought I was running from facing these emotions, I was really stuck with that energy sitting inside of my body. The feelings I was running away from were sitting with me while I scrolled on TikTok and while I watched the Great British Bake-Off.
So, after about 2 weeks of not feeling these difficult emotions, I found myself home alone on a Sunday. And, I just started to cry.
I started to allow myself to feel every feeling that I was too scared to feel. Every emotion that I was too afraid to feel because I didn’t have the time. I went through these waves of absolute grief, sadness, and anger. And then, through these waves I felt love and compassion for myself, for my family, and for everyone back home in Iran.
This went on for about half an hour. I put on some music and I took out my journal. And guess what?
I came out on the other side of this feeling a thousand pounds lighter. I felt like this weight had been lifted off of me.
One of the scariest feelings of all is to allow yourself to really be truthful about how you feel.
We get scared of these moments where we don’t feel so awesome and we forget that we have the capacity to tend to and process any feeling. We forget that we are so incredibly wise and resilient and that perhaps the most courageous thing of all is to really name how you feel and allow yourself to be with that feeling.
That day, I felt courageous enough.
So, I want to give you some reminders for when those difficult feelings start to come up and you feel you just want to push them down, ignore them, or even run away.
Reminder 1: You are more than capable of processing whatever those feelings are.
Reminder 2: Process those feelings when you are ready to.
Reminder 3: It feels so much better on the other side of allowing yourself to process those emotions.
The more you allow yourself to do the scary things, the more you show yourself that you are more than capable of handling those scary moments. When you allow yourself to name the feelings, process the feelings, and release the feelings, there’s that sense of lightness and you realize that you’ve been living with a dimmer switch. When you don’t allow yourself to feel the fullness of an emotion like sadness, anger, frustration, or grief, you’re also not allowing yourself to feel the fullness of the opposite side of the spectrum: the joy, the happiness, the celebration.
Remember love, emotions are energy in motion and we have to process our emotions to allow them to move through us and if we don’t, they will find somewhere else to go until we do.
And when you do, there is such a release!
It’s like learning how to swim. One of the big lessons with swimming is that the more you panic and worry, the more you sink. But, when you allow yourself a moment of stillness and trust, then you can float. (I also know this because of my husband’s experience learning how to swim. Want to hear more? Check out episode 97 that’s all about how to navigate worry.)
So, I was like a new swimmer. And you may feel that way, too. I was trying to stay afloat by pushing away, by resisting, by ignoring and I was just sinking deeper and deeper into the feelings and the heaviness. But, the moment I allowed myself to just cry, to trust, and to be, that’s when I was able to float with them.
And I may be talking like it’s the easiest thing to do, but love, it wasn’t. It was hard. But once I trusted and went through, I was able to be.
Every emotion we have is valid, love. Every feeling is worthy and needed. There is no spectrum of good or bad. There are feelings that are more comfortable or uncomfortable, but every single emotion is a part of this human experience. Underneath each one is wisdom, resilience, and strength.
When you are ready and when you know it’s time, I encourage you to feel those feelings however that may be. Here are some ways you can do so:
a therapy session
with a friend
breath work
going for a run
listening to some music
crying it out (just like I did)
Until next week, love.
If you enjoyed this, you’ll also enjoy these posts & podcast episodes:
How to navigate Worry: Overwhelmed by worry? Learn how you can shift your relationship with worry and navigate it in a healthier and more intentional way. You don’t have to run from or give in to your worry, love. In this episode, Shirin teaches you a more wholehearted way to approach worry.
Meditation: Feeling the hard feelings: In hard times, it can be so easy to run away from the difficult feelings. But we only end up hurting ourselves when we do so. In this guided meditation, learn how to lean into and process uncomfortable feelings.
Good feelings vs Bad feelings: There is no such thing as bad feelings. And the more we label our feelings as good or bad, we miss out on the wisdom and truth that could be uncovered by our emotions. Listen to this episode to find out the real value of your negative feelings.
A quote to take with you:
“Perhaps the most courageous thing of all is to really name how you feel and allow yourself to be with that feeling.”
Did you know that each episode comes with free guided journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to listen to your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.