Imposter Syndrome 101 | e112
Ok love, first off - I really wanted to title this one “Self Doubt 101,” but I truly believed that you would resonate so much more with the term “imposter syndrome.” And by the end of this, my goal is for you to not only understand what’s imposter syndrome but also why I’ve replaced the term “imposter syndrome” with self doubt and how you can reframe your mindset around self doubt to instead embody your fullness.
So first, what’s imposter syndrome?
The term “imposter syndrome” was coined by 2 psychologists who did a study of high achieving women where they found that no matter how accomplished these women were, they still felt like they were “imposters” in many of the spaces they found themselves in.
For us nowadays, imposter syndrome describes that feeling of not being enough no matter how accomplished you are, no matter how many achievements you have, no matter how good you are at something. You find yourself in a certain space, environment, or with certain people and think to yourself, “I do not belong here.”
We have all experienced this feeling in some way or another. We have felt this feeling of inadequacy even though we rationally know that we belong in these spaces. But, I want to share with you why I’ve stopped labeling this feeling as “imposter syndrome.”
*Ok, I know you’re super excited to talk all about imposter syndrome, BUT I want to first let you know I have a FREE 7-day guided journal that you can download right now and I’m telling you, it will change your life! Each week, I deliver curated journal prompts to my email list for every podcast episode and in this FREE journal, I’ve pulled some of my listeners’ favorites giving you 45 free journal prompts.
If you’re ready to reclaim who you truly are, click below, love.
Why I no longer use the term “imposter syndrome”
I always had this weird feeling about the term imposter syndrome. Something just felt off about it to me. Then one day, I read this really incredible article in the Harvard Business Review that highlighted two very mindset-shifting points:
When the study was first conducted, many groups were excluded from it: women of color, people of various income levels, genders, professional backgrounds, etc.
The study did not take into account the impacts of systemic racism, classism, white supremacy, and other systemic issues.
With that, here is why imposter syndrome is such a harmful term: it puts the blame on you.
Imposter syndrome implies that the problem is you, that there is something within you that needs to change so that you can fit into certain spaces.
What it makes us really not see, examine, or explore is the issue with the spaces that we often find ourselves in. The spaces that quite consciously want to make us believe that we do not belong - the spaces that have been founded on the principles of white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism.
The truth is, love, that the fault doesn’t lie within you. The fault lies in the spaces, the communities, the systems that make many of us - especially those of us who are marginalized and come from cultures of the global majority - feel like we do belong.
Instead of imposter syndrome, I like to use “self doubt.” Self doubt is something that’s just a part of the human experience and unlocking any achievement is going to unlock fear within us, fears that are equal to the amount that we want to do the thing.
I don’t believe we’ve ever been given the right tools to navigate our self doubt. What we often hear as an encouraging solution is the phrase “Fake it until you make it.”
But love, “Fake it until you make it” implies that you have to be this fake version of yourself. Some version that’s competent, capable, and knows what they’re doing. It says you have to be this “fake” version of you until you convince everyone around and yourself that this is who you are.
I used to truly believe in this until one day I realized the truth: It’s a bunch of BS.
About 5 months into launching my business, Wholehearted Coaching, I was asked to be on the prime hour of The Today Show as a mindfulness expert. Now listen, I felt like anything but an expert. I felt like a total mess!
I had no idea what I was doing as a first time business owner and I was unsure of my skills and abilities as a coach. I was filled with so much insecurity and doubt thinking, “Who are you to go on The Today Show?”
But, I knew I had to say yes.
So, there I was. At 30 Rock getting my hair and makeup done next to Carson Daly. Then, I was in front of the cameras with Hoda and Kathie Lee. Honestly, it was all a blur and it wasn’t until after when I watched the clip that I really realized… I was amazing. I was incredible!
And I attributed this to the phrase “Fake it until you make it” until I realized that there was nothing fake about that person in front of those cameras. That woman was actually me, who I actually was, who I am. It’s that verions of me that’s grounded, calm, warm, assured, and present. That was the truth of who I was. There was nothing fake about her.
The fear, the insecurity, the doubt — that’s the fake stuff. The truth is that I am grounded, confident, and assured. And you love, you are capable, you belong, and you are enough.
So, instead of “Fake it until you make it,” I want to suggest this new phrase to you:
“Embody your fullness until you are reminded that that is who you truly are.”
What I did on The Today Show was embody my fullness. I embodied my truth. And, for a moment in time — literally 2 minutes of television syndicated time — I was in my truth. There was nothing fake about that confident, capable, assured version of me.
Related: 90 | The Truth of who you are [Best of WHC]
The 3 Pillars to True Fullness: How to Overcome Self Doubt
The 3 pillars are how we navigate our self-doubt and overcome imposter syndrome in a way that is healthy, aligned, and allows us to grow to do the amazing, scary things we truly want to do. Today, you’re going to learn the true essence of these pillars and learn how you can harness their true power.
Confidence
As leaders, creatives, and visionaries, we hear the word “confidence” so often. It’s something we really strive for. When you hear “confidence,” what comes up for you? We often know what confidence looks like on the outside. It’s a certain posture and energy you exude when you walk into a room. It’s your tone, the cadence of your voice. But what creates confidence?
We think confidence is a result of putting in the work, that it’s the hours we’ve spent doing something, it’s our degrees, our accolades, and our accomplishments. Study after study shows that confidence is not the same as competence. Studies also show that women who are extremely accomplished in their fields still lack confidence.
There’s a term called “honest overconfidence” which means “honestly believing that you deserve to be in the rooms that you’re in.” Studies have found that men, on average, rate their performance 30% better than it actually is. Men are much more willing to and happy to apply to jobs in which they are only 60% qualified. Whereas women more often than not feel they must be 100% qualified. 100.
When it comes to confidence, let’s take competence off the table, love. Let’s take “being the best” off the table, too.
What is confidence?
The etymology of confidence means “with trust.” Confidence is about trusting yourself. Not trusting yourself to do the right thing or to not make a mistake, but to trust yourself to figure it out.
Rachel Cargel said:
Risks aren’t as risky when I realize that all I am taking a risk on is myself. If I leap and land on shaky ground, then I trust I can find my footing. If I leap and I’m on firm ground, I trust I will take off running.
When it comes to the moments where the self-doubt is strong and you’re asked to do big things, the question you have to ask yourself isn’t “Do I know what I’m doing?” It’s instead, “Do I trust myself to figure this out regardless of what happens?”
Courage
This is another big word that we all want to embody, but honestly, we’ve lost sight of what courage means.
We think courage is grand acts of bravery — like moving across the country, quitting your job, or leaving your partner. While those grand acts are courageous, we've come to believe that doing big things is all courage means. But, when we get to the core of courage, the etymology of courage means “to speak to and from one's heart.”
Courage is about your heart, love. Courage is about doing things that are connected to your heart, speaking from your heart, being in relationship with your heart. Courage is each and every moment you listen to and honor your heart.
Courageous people aren't the ones doing the big things. Courageous people are those who are connected to an act from their heart.
In the moments when the self doubt is strong, we’re afraid to “do the thing” and insecurity starts to rise, instead of asking ourselves, “Can I do this?” we instead ask “Is what I'm about to do connected to my heart?” or “How can I connect to my heart? How can I honor my heart? What does my heart need in this moment?”
That is courage.
Belief
What we say to ourselves before the big moments, what we say to ourselves when the self-doubt is strong is so incredibly important. When we are in that self doubt haze, the words we say to ourselves can be so unkind and unsettling.
“You don't know what you're doing. You don't belong here. You are not enough.”
The words we say to ourselves hold so much power because they dictate what we do. And if you keep saying “I don't belong here, I don't know what I am doing,” you're going to believe it. A belief is just a repeated thought. So, in the big moments, we have to learn how to become aware of our thoughts and slowly shift the script and replace those thoughts.
Notice I don't say get rid of the thoughts. Nope. We're never going to fully get rid of those self doubt thoughts. They're always going to be there, love. Sometimes we think since we’re doing the mindset work and shifting our thoughts, we’re never going to think those self doubt thoughts again. What actually happens is the more you do the work, the more you practice shifting your thoughts, the self doubt thoughts become softer. They have less power. You believe them less and less.
How we shift the script is really by becoming self-aware of how we are thinking and learning to replace those thoughts with thoughts that we can believe today.
**I recently did an episode of Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast on transforming your mindset. This is a great podcast episode to listen to along with this one.
Usually with positive affirmations, we fall into a “fake it until you make it” mentality. We're made to believe that we just have to say positive affirmations to ourselves and things will instantly changed. Affirmations like, “You got this! You know what you're doing!”
But we all know what that experience is like when you're in a moment of real self doubt and you're trying to say positive affirmations to yourself. There is nothing worse. You just want to tell yourself to shut up. What we're doing in these moments with these positive affirmations is reaching for what I call Mount Everest Thoughts.
Mount Everest Thoughts sound like:
I am enough.
I am worthy.
I expect the best.
I belong here.
While these are amazing thoughts, by saying them when we don’t believe them today, we're trying to reach for the peak of Mount Everest. We’ve got to first at least get to base camp! These are affirmations we can work our way towards, but what we have to find first is the thought that will allow us to just get on the damn mountain.
What I want us to reach for instead of the peak is what I call Better Feeling Thoughts. A Better Feeling Thought is a thought that you consciously choose that makes you feel a little more supported, a little more empowered, a little more capable, and that you can believe in this very moment.
*Ready to transform your life? No, seriously. I want to let you know I have a FREE 7-day guided journal that you can download right now and I’m telling you, it will change your life!
Each week, I deliver curated journal prompts to my email list for every podcast episode and in this FREE journal, I’ve pulled some of my listeners’ favorites giving you 45 free journal prompts.
If you’re ready to reclaim who you truly are, click below, love.
A Better Feeling Thought is the intersection of where you are today and where you want to be going with your thoughts. And let me tell you, when it comes to doing this work, feeling just a little bit better makes such a huge shift. So, in Transforming Your Mindset, I go deeper into how we can change our thoughts through my Faith over Fear Formula. As part of the Faith over Fear Formula, I use what I call Acceptance Thoughts.
Acceptance Thoughts are the most powerful, better feeling thoughts.
Acceptance Thoughts sound like:
I accept that I'm so scared right now, but deep down, I know that I belong here.
Even though the people around me are making me feel like I don't belong here, I choose to believe that I'm worthy and deserving of the spaces I am in.
The patriarchy and white supremacy want me to believe I don't belong here, but they are so incredibly wrong.
Do you feel the shift in those thoughts?
The first part of these thoughts is the acceptance — the acceptance of the fear, the acceptance of the systemic pressures, the acceptance of the systemic oppression.
The second part is the truth that we are moving towards. That's the truth that really embodies our fullness and who we are. This is how we change our beliefs, love. This is how we say the words to ourselves that really make a big difference in those moments where the self doubt is strong.
The next time you find the self doubt feeling so strong, first ask yourself “Is this self doubt mine or is it being instilled in me by the systems that be?” If the self doubt is yours, use the three pillars to guide yourself through those feelings:
For confidence, ask yourself:
Do I trust myself to figure this out regardless of what happens?
For courage, ask yourself:
How can I connect to my heart?
Is what I’m about to do connected to my heart?
How can I honor my heart?
What does my heart need"?”
For belief, ask yourself:
What am I saying to myself in this moment?
What do I want to be saying to myself in this moment?
Until next time, love.
Dive deeper into this topic and learn the 3 pillars to true fullness: tune into episode 112 of Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast.
Watch my appearance on The Today Show below:
After listening, you’re going to love these episodes!
109 | Transforming your Mindset
So often we embark on our biggest dreams with the underlying belief that “this won’t work out”. When we do this we not only rob ourselves of results but also joy. Listen to this episode to gain a deeper understanding of what mindset work is and how you can create more faith as you pursue your biggest dreams.
90 | The Truth of who you are [Best of WHC]
Tired of talking yourself out of your dreams? Listen to this episode to find out why you get so overwhelmed by your goals and how you can start to follow through on even your biggest desires.
68 | Mindset: The Faith over Fear Formula
Mindset work is so often misunderstood as being false positivity. But true mindset work is about shifting your thoughts slowly. Listen to this episode to learn about Shirin’s Faith over Fear Formula, her tried and tested mindset formula.
Resources from this episode:
I recently made an Instagram Reel about imposter syndrome during the Senate hearings on Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson’s nomination to the Supreme Court. Now, if you watched this, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. Here we have this incredibly accomplished woman being made to feel very, very overtly that she does not belong in this space. That they need to question her accolades and her achievements and what she has done. And love, there was nothing that she needed to change, do better, or do more of.
A quote to take with you:
“Unlocking any achievement is going to unlock fears within us. Fears that are equal to the amount that we want to do the thing, the amount that something means to us.”
Did you know that each episode comes with free guided journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to listen to your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
[00:00:00] Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life, then you have come to the right place. I am your host, coach and Life Alchemist, Shirin Eskandani. And I have worked with thousands of people showing them how to create their dream lives while also living their dream.
This podcast is where mindset, mindfulness and manifestation meet together. We're going to release limiting beliefs. Put your dreams into motion all while prioritizing your ease, rest and joy. Let's do this love.
Hi love. Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my Mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at @wholeheartedcoaching.
Or if you want to go even deeper into this week's episode and get my free weekly journal prompts, sign up for my email list and you'll be able to explore the topics we're talking about in this episode. Even further, you can do that in the show notes or by heading to my website: wholehearted-coaching.com.
And if you're interested in working with me, whether that's one-on-one in one of my group programs or one of my transformational courses, you can head to my website, wholehearted-coaching.com/offerings to find out more. And of course you can also head to the show notes and all of this information.
[00:01:35] We'll be waiting for you there. All right, love. Welcome to this week's episode. So today's episode is a little bit of a bait and switch. Now, listen, we are still going to talk about imposter syndrome, but what I am really hoping is that by the end of this episode, you never use the term imposter syndrome ever again.
[00:02:00] I have stopped using the word imposter syndrome for a lot of reasons. We're going to get into why and instead have started to use the word self doubt. Instead, I wanted to call this episode, self doubt one oh one, but I had a feeling that more of you would resonate with the term imposter syndrome. We hear it all the time.
[00:02:23] We hear it in media. We hear it in our workplaces. We hear it in our communities. We feel like we are suffering from imposter syndrome. And we're not, we are simply not. You're going to soon understand why today's episode continues with our theme of 1 0 1 episodes for the month of may 1 0 1 episodes is where we learn the basics about a topic or theme, and we dive even deeper.
[00:02:52] So today we're looking at imposter syndrome, but really what we're looking at is self doubt. So let's get straight into imposter syndrome. 1 0 1. So the term imposter syndrome was coined by two psychologists who did this study of high achieving. And they found that no matter how accomplished these women were, they still felt like they were quote unquote imposters in many of the spaces they found themselves in.
[00:03:24] And for us nowadays, imposter syndrome describes that feeling of. Feeling enough, no matter how accomplished you are, no matter how many achievements you have, no matter how good at something you may be, you find yourself in a certain space or a certain environment, or with certain people. And you think to yourself, I do not belong here.
[00:03:45] I do not deserve to be here. We have all experienced this feeling in some way or another, whether on a really grand scale or a small scale, we have felt this feeling of inadequacy, even though we rationally know that we belong in these spaces. So here is why I no longer use the term imposter syndrome to describe this feeling anymore.
[00:04:13] I always used to have this weird feeling about the word imposter syndrome. Something felt off to it about me, but I didn't know what it was. And so I would continue to use the term and then. I read this really incredible article in the Harvard business review. We'll link it in the show notes, but what this article really highlighted was one, when the study was first conducted, many groups were excluded from it.
[00:04:40] Women of color, people of various income levels, genders and professional backgrounds. But two, and this is the most important one is that the study did not take into account the impacts of systemic racism, classism, white supremacy, and other systemic issues. And so here is why imposter syndrome is such a harmful term.
[00:05:12] It's because it puts the blame on you. Imposter syndrome implies that the problem is you, that there is something within you that needs to change so that you can fit into certain spaces that you are the problem. And you need to cure this syndrome that you have. But what it makes us not really see or examine or explore is the issue with the spaces that we often find ourselves in the spaces that quite consciously want to make us believe that we don't belong.
[00:05:48] The spaces that have been founded on the principles of white supremacy, patriarchy and capitalism. Imposter syndrome implies that you are at fault here and it makes us forget. That actually the fault does not lie with us. The fault lies in the spaces and the communities and the systems that make many of us, especially those of us who are marginalized, especially those of us who come from cultures of the global majority that make us feel like we do.
[00:06:20] Belong. I actually made a real about this on Instagram, which went quote unquote viral. It has over 22,000 views, which to me is staggering, but I made this real about imposter syndrome during the Senate hearings. If you watch that, you will know what I am talking about here is this incredibly accompany.
[00:06:45] Woman being made to feel very, very overtly. Might I add that she does not belong in this space, that they need to question her accolades and her achievements and what she has done. And so the issue with imposter syndrome is that it makes us feel like we need to do all this inner work to become these people who feel are worthy enough and belonging enough to be in the spaces instead of really looking at the spaces that we are in.
[00:07:16] So what I like to use today is the term self doubt. Because self doubt is something that is just part of the human experience. I say this often on the podcast, right? Unlocking any achievement is going to unlock fears within us fears that are equal to the amount that we want to do. The thing, the amount that something means to us.
[00:07:40] So this feeling of fear and self-doubt is so natural. And that's what we're going to look at today. Right? How can we navigate ourself doubt? But what I want to really, really make a distinction here is that imposter syndrome makes us forget that we sometimes need to look at the systems and the places and the communities that we find ourselves in.
[00:08:05] So today, when I feel that feeling that I once used to label as imposter syndrome, I asked myself, is the issue something that I can or something that I need. To fix, right? Is this my self doubt? My fear coming up, or is the issue something larger that is systemic. And by reframing it this way, I can tend to myself in the way that I need to healing the parts of me that are afraid, which is what we're going to do in this episode.
[00:08:38] We're going to learn how to do that. And if the issue isn't me, I can see the truth of what I am stepping into. I can let go of what is not mine to fix or to heal. So yesterday's episode is about imposter syndrome, but it's really about self. It's really about that feeling of fear that we feel when we find ourselves in spaces that we once used to dream of being in, when we find ourselves getting jobs and getting accolades and getting accomplishments that we once used to so desire.
[00:09:20] And now here they are. Love self-doubt is absolutely natural. And today in this self-doubt slash imposter syndrome, 1 0 1 episode, I want to share with you some tools that you can use to navigate your self doubt. These are tools that I have used time, and again, to help me navigate through the difficult moments when I really questioned myself.
[00:09:47] So remember questioning yourself that is natural, but we need to figure out whether we are questioning ourselves because of that innate sense of fear or whether we're questioning ourselves because systemic problems are making us question ourselves. Okay. Very big distinction. So from here on out, we're not going to use the word imposter syndrome again in this podcast.
[00:10:14] Okay. I hope you're okay with it. I know it was a bit of a bait and switch, but I hope you're understanding why I'm urging us to no longer use this term words are really important. The words that we use to describe our feelings are really important. As women, we have been labeled enough. And if you are listening and you come from a historically marginalized community, you know, the labeling that goes on, we have been labeled as histrionic hysterical.
[00:10:45] And now we got this damn syndrome imposter syndrome. No, no, no, no, no, no. Imposter syndrome is a word that I choose to no longer use. And I hope my love you choose to no longer use it as. All right, so let's get into self-doubt 1 0 1. Do you like that? It's like there's two introductions to this podcast.
[00:11:07] There's the bait imposter syndrome. And now the switch self doubt. I honestly don't think we've ever been given the right tools to navigate our self doubt a term we hear often to help us, you know, figure out ourself doubt is the term, fake it until you make it. Have you heard that term before? I know you have right.
[00:11:32] Fake it until you make it implies that you have to be this fake version of yourself. This version of yourself that is competent and capable and knows what they're doing. And that's how you make it right. Be this fake version of yourself until you convince everyone and yourself that you are this person.
[00:11:51] And I used to believe in this term, fake it until you make it for a really long time until. One day. I realized that fake it until you make it is a bunch of BS and that, that is not how we conquer ourself. So I want to tell you a story and I've shared it before on the podcast. I'm going to share it again.
[00:12:11] Cause it's my favorite story to tell. So about five months into launching whole hearted coaching, I was asked to be on the today show and not. Our three of the today show I'm talking prime hour, hour, one of the today show. And they wanted me to come in and be a mindfulness expert. And at the time I felt like anything, but an expert, I felt like a total mess.
[00:12:39] I had no idea what I was doing as a first time business owner. I was unsure of my skills and ability as a coach. And then all of a sudden in the middle of all of this mess, I get an email from a producer at the today. And I, I was filled with so much insecurity and doubt, like, who are you to go on the show?
[00:12:59] You are not an expert. What are you doing? But I knew, I had to say, yes, So I soon found myself at 30 rock getting my hair and makeup done next to Carson daily. And next thing I know I'm in front of the cameras with Hoda and Kathie Lee. It was all a total blur and it wasn't until after, when I watched the clip that I really realized what I had done, it really sunk in.
[00:13:28] And as I watched myself on the screen, I realized. I was amazing. Like, I was incredible. Like it was as if I'd done it a million times and for a while, I couldn't figure out how I did it. And I attributed to the phrase, fake it until you make it. But that's not actually what I did, what I realized later on.
[00:13:53] Was that there was nothing fake about that person in that interview. That woman on that screen was actually me. It was actually who I really was, who I am. That version of me that is grounded and calm and warm and assured and present. That was the truth of who I was. There wasn't anything fake about that version of.
[00:14:21] That day illuminated to me who I truly am. So the term fake it until you make it implies that that grounded, confident assured version of ourselves is the fake version. But what I want to tell you love is that the fear and the insecurity and the doubt that's the fake stuff, the truth is that you are capable, that you belong and that you are.
[00:14:49] There is no fake it until you make it. We're throwing that out. Instead. What I want to suggest as a new phrase, embody your fullness until you are reminded that that is who you truly are. What I did on the today show was embody my fullness. I embodied my true. And for a moment in time for literally two minutes of television syndicated time, I was in my truth.
[00:15:22] There was nothing fake about that confident, capable assured version of me. So we're throwing out, fake it until you make. So then how do we navigate? Self-doubt usually we try to run from it. We try to hide from it, we give into it, but we know when we give into it, we don't do the amazing things we want to do.
[00:15:47] We know when we hide from it, that doesn't work because it catches up with us. So like, What we're going to do today is we're going to learn the three pillars to true fullness. And these pillars are confidence, courage, and belief. This is how we navigate our self-doubt in a way that is healthy and aligned in a way where we can grow and do the amazing, scary things that we truly, truly want to do.
[00:16:22] So we're going to get to the core of what these words mean. They were really big words, right? Confidence, courage, belief. They're big words. We use often in the world of self development and coaching and growth. But today we're going to get to the true essence of these words. And you're going to learn how you can harness the power of these words in the face of yourself.
[00:16:44] Because how you show up in a room has less to do with what you're doing externally and everything to do with what you believe internally. So let's first talk about confidence. This is a word that as leaders, as creatives, as visionaries, we hear so often and that we really strive for. So competence, when I say that word, just think of what comes up for you.
[00:17:10] We often know what confidence looks like on the outside. It's a certain posture and energy in which you walk into a room, your tone, or the cadence of your voice, but what creates this outward sense of assuredness? We think that confidence as a result of putting in the work, it's the hours we've spent doing something, the degrees, the accolades and accomplish.
[00:17:34] But study after study shows that confidence is not the same as competent. And unfortunately, studies show that women who are extremely accomplished in their fields still lack confidence when it comes to their abilities. And I know, you know, this is true. And we see so many instances of this when celebrities and public figures show us their vulnerability and tell us that, Hey, sometimes I do not feel so confident about my abilities and who I am.
[00:18:08] There's a term called honest overconfidence, which means honestly, believing that you deserve to be in the rooms that you're in. And they have found that men on average rate their performance to be 30% better than it is honestly, rate themselves 30% better than it is. When men apply for jobs, they are happy to apply for those in which they are only 60% qualified, whereas women more often than not feel they must be a hundred percent qualified.
[00:18:43] So when I talk about confidence, I want us to take competence off the tape. And I also want to take being the best off the table because being the best is subjective and always aiming to be the best is tiring and leads to burn out. I am tired of being the best y'all. So then what is confidence? Well, the etymology of the word confidence means with trust.
[00:19:13] Confidence is about trusting your. Not trusting yourself to do the right thing or to not make a mistake, but to trust that you can figure it out.
[00:19:26] Rachel Cargill said risks aren't as risky. When I realize that all I am taking a risk on is myself. If I leap and land on shaky ground, then I trust I can find my footing. If I leap and I'm on firm ground, I trust I will take off running love. Confidence is about trusting yourself. So when it comes to the moments where the self doubt is strong, and we're asked to do big things, the question we have to ask ourselves, isn't do I know what I'm doing, but instead we have to ask ourselves, do I trust myself to figure this.
[00:20:06] Regardless of what happens. So that's confidence now we're onto the second pillar courage. Now let's talk about courage. It's another big word. One that we all want to embody, but a word that has lost its true. Meaning the truth is we've lost sight of what being courageous is.
[00:20:34] We think courage is grand acts of bravery, like moving across the country, quitting your job or leaving your partner. And while those grant acts are courageous, we've come to believe that doing big things is what courage means. But when we get to the core of courage, the etymology of courage means to speak to and from one's heart.
[00:21:01] Courage is about your heart. Love. It's about doing things that are connected to your heart. It's about speaking from your heart. It's about being in relationship with your heart. Courage is so small. Courage is each and every moment that you listen to and honor your heart, courageous people. Aren't the ones doing the big things.
[00:21:24] Courageous people are those who are connected to an act from their heart. So in the moments when the self doubt is strong and we are afraid to do the thing and insecurity starts to rise, instead of asking ourselves, can I do this? We instead ask is what I'm about to do connected to my heart, or how can I connect to my heart?
[00:21:52] Or how can I honor my heart? Or finally, what does my heart need in this moment? That is courage. And now finally we are at belief what we say to ourselves before the big moments, what we say to ourselves and the self-doubt is strong is so incredibly important. When we are in that self doubt haze, the words we say to ourselves can be so unkind can be so unsettling.
[00:22:28] You don't know what you're doing. You don't belong here. You are not enough. The words we say to ourselves hold so much power because they dictate what we do. And if you keep saying I don't belong here, I don't know what I am doing. You're going to believe it. So a belief is just a repeated thought. So when the big moments, we have to learn how to become aware of our thoughts and slowly shift the script and replace those thoughts.
[00:23:01] Now notice, I don't say get rid of the thoughts. Nope. We're never going to fully get rid of those self doubt thoughts. They're always going to be there. Love. I really want to underline and emphasize and underscore this because sometimes we think, okay, well I'm doing mindset work. I'm shifting my thoughts.
[00:23:20] I'm never going to think that thoughts again now, but what you will find, the more you practice, this is that the thoughts become softer. They have less power. We believe them less and less. So how we shift the script is really by becoming self-aware of how we are thinking and learning to replace those thoughts, with thoughts that we can believe to.
[00:23:46] So I recently did an episode on transforming your mindset. This is a great episode to listen to in conjunction with this one, with fake it until you make it, we're made to believe that we just have to say positive affirmations to ourselves, right? Affirmations. Like you got this, you know what you're doing?
[00:24:06] But we all know what that experience is like, like when you're in a moment of real self doubt, and you're trying to say positive affirmations to yourself. Oh, there is nothing worse. You just, you want to tell yourself, just shut up. That's not working right. What we're doing in these moments with these positive affirmations is reaching for what I call Mount Everest thoughts, man, ever has thoughts or thoughts.
[00:24:30] Like I am enough. I am worthy. I expect the best I belong here. And while these are amazing thoughts, we're trying to reach for the peak of Everest. And we haven't even gotten to the base camp. Right. These are words that we can work our way towards and we will work our way towards, but what we have to find is the thought that will allow us to just get on the damn mountain.
[00:24:57] So instead of reaching for Mount Everest thought, What I want us to reach for is what I call better feeling thoughts, a better feeling thought is a thought that you consciously choose. That makes you feel a little more supported, a little more empowered, a little more capable, and that you can believe in this moment, right?
[00:25:17] It's the intersection of where you are today and where you want to be going with your thoughts. And let me tell you, when it comes to this work feeling just a little bit better, makes such a huge shift. So in the transforming your mindset episode, I go deeper into how we can change our thoughts. I share my faith over fear formula, but as part of the faith over fear formula, I use what I call acceptance thoughts.
[00:25:47] And to me, acceptance thoughts are the most powerful, better feeling. Thoughts, acceptance, thoughts, sound a little bit like this. I accept that. I'm so scared right now, but deep down, I know that I belong here. Even though the people around me are making me feel like I don't belong here. I choose to believe that I'm worthy and deserving of the spaces I am.
[00:26:17] The patriarchy and white supremacy want me to believe I don't belong here, but they are so incredibly wrong. Do you feel the shift in those thoughts? The first part is the acceptance, the acceptance of the fear, the acceptance of the systemic pressures, the acceptance of the systemic oppression. But the second part, that's the truth that we are moving towards.
[00:26:40] That's the truth that really embodies our fullness and who we are. This is how we change our beliefs. Love. This is how we say the words to ourselves that really make a big difference in those moments where the self doubt is strong. And that is belief, our final pillar. So the three pillars are confidence, which means to trust yourself courage, which means to act from, and to listen to one.
[00:27:14] And belief, which is all about the words that we are repeating to ourselves and the big moments. So my love this week when the self doubt is strong, we, first question is this self doubt mine? Or is it being instilled in me by the systems that be right questioning the spaces we're in? And if the self doubt is your.
[00:27:42] Using these three pillars, confidence, courage, and belief using the questions from this podcast, right? For confidence. The question is, do I trust myself to figure this out, regardless of what happens? For courage, how can I connect to my heart is what I'm about to do connected to my heart. How can I honor my heart?
[00:28:06] Or what does my heart need? And for belief, what am I saying to myself in this moment? And what do I want to be saying to myself in this moment? So reflecting on this episode, love choosing one thing that's really resonating with you. And as we finish, we're going to take a deep breath in and out. And I want you to hold that insight just to the top of the breath.
[00:28:33] So breathing in.
[00:28:41] Until next week. Love, I will talk to you then.
[00:28:48] Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend subscribe or follow where you love listening most. And if you haven't yet leave a review, you can do this on apple podcasts, task box, pod, chaser, or podcast addict until next week. Love.