Self-Compassion | ep151
Out of all of my podcast episodes, this topic is THE MOST important one. I have never said that before, but I absolutely stand behind it here.
I know you may have looked at the title “Self-Compassion” and thought…
“Ugh… it’s gonna be one of those episodes where Shirin just tells me to be nice to myself, some mindfulness stuff, and blah blah blah…”
Well, yes. I am gonna tell you to be nice to yourself, but I’m also going to tell you just why self-compassion is truly one of the most powerful mindset tools we can cultivate in our lives.
I wholeheartedly believe that self-compassion is one of the reasons why my life is so incredible and so amazing both professionally and personally.
Self-compassion is key to creativity, to doing hard things. If you’re in this community, I know that you have a dream that requires you to do hard things, to get out of your comfort zone, to step into uncertainty, to possibly make mistakes, and to do it all over again.
Love, we can only do that with self-compassion.
What is the meaning of Self-Compassion
Kristin Neff — the preeminent expert of self-compassion — defines self-compassion as:
A practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most, to become an inner ally rather than an inner enemy.
*Quick Note: I cannot recommend the work of Kristin Neff enough! Check her out, watch her YouTube videos — she is amazing.
Why do we struggle with Self-Compassion
There are 2 big reasons why we may struggle with Self-Compassion:
We don’t trust self-compassion. Instead, we trust self-criticism.
We don’t know how to be compassionate towards ourselves.
Our society tells us to self-criticize. It’s kind of what we’re raised on. We truly believe that the only way to change, to learn, to grow, and to be motivated is to be unkind to ourselves. We believe that if we are kind and compassionate to ourselves instead of critical, we are never going to get it right. That it would mean we are content with who we are and therefore we will never strive for more or different.
We have a lot of inner beliefs to unlearn when it comes to self-compassion.
I want you to try these self-compassion journal prompts and allow whatever comes up to come:
If I am kind to myself, I am afraid I may…
In my household / growing up, being kind to myself was…
I’ve always associated self-compassion / kindness with…
Being kinder to myself would mean…
I’m sure a lot may be coming up for you here. I’d like to share with you some of the most common answers I hear:
Compassion is a form of self-pity.
I can’t be compassionate because I have to be tough and strong to get through life.
Compassion is just selfish and self-centered.
If I’m compassionate towards myself, I’m just gonna get lazy.
I have to be hard on myself in order to change or be motivated to do more. If I mess up, then I need to punish myself in order to make amends or to learn.
Listen, we have all been raised in a society, in households, and in communities that promote self-criticism. It makes total sense for us to not trust self-compassion and to not think it’s an incredibly useful skill.
But study after study shows that these beliefs about self-compassion are total BS.
4 Myths of Self-Compassion
Science shows that people who have cultivated, created, and practice self-compassion are more creative, more resilient, and more productive human beings.
Using science — and research by Kristen Neff — let’s revisit those beliefs about self-compassion.
Self-compassion is just a pity party.
In actuality, it is our self-critical side that often makes us ruminate and fixate on our failures and mistakes. Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to engage in perspective taking. This means looking at the bigger picture rather than focusing on their own distress.
With that being said, self-compassionate people don’t have pity parties. They’re actually more capable of getting out of that ruminating, fixating spiral so they can move on.
I have to be strong to get through life.
We worry that self-compassion will make us weak. in fact, self-compassion is how we cultivate resilience.
Research shows that self-compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like divorce, death, trauma, or chronic pain.
Self-compassion is just being self-centered.
When we are compassionate with ourselves, we actually free ourselves to give more to others.
Research shows self-compassionate people are more likely to compromise in relationship conflicts and are more compassionate in giving towards other folks.
If I’m compassionate towards myself, I’m just gonna get lazy.
Research shows that self-compassionate people are able to stick to long-term goals far better than those people who haven’t cultivated self-compassion.
I have to be hard on myself in order to change or be motivated to do more. If I mess up, then I need to punish myself in order to make amends or to learn.
We think that self-criticism is an effective motivator and it’s not.
Self-criticism undermines confidence and leads to fear of failure. I think one of the biggest reasons we fear failure and mistakes so much is due more to our own judgment of ourselves versus the judgment of others. We are our own worst enemy. We can be our biggest bully on the other side of a mistake or failure.
We think we have to punish ourselves in order to make amends or to learn. We think if we continue to harp on it, we’ll never make that same mistake again. In actuality, this only hinders us from doing more.
This is why I truly believe that self-compassion is the reason why I have the incredible life that I have. It has allowed me to get really comfortable with making mistakes, with failing and I’ve now come to understand that this is absolutely necessary in going after your dreams.
We are going to fail.
We are going to make mistakes.
We are going to have missteps.
But, if we can be kind to ourselves on the other side, that means we can take care of ourselves in the way that we really need. Then, we can take the next best step towards our dreams with a clear head and absolute faith and trust.
That is only possible because of self-compassion.
How to be Self-Compassionate | The 3 Elements of Self-Compassion
What’s absolutely great about self-compassion is it is a mindset skill that we can learn to cultivate.
To show you how to be self-compassionate, we’re going to look at Kristin Neff’s 3 Pillars of Self-Compassion and they are:
Self-Kindness
The ability to extend the kindness and care we would to others toward ourselves in difficult moments.
Self-Kindness is basically a “Do unto yourself as you would unto others.” You know when a friend comes to you and they’re feeling down about something and they start to get really hard on themselves — what would you say to them in that moment? How would you hold space for them?
Those things that you would do — do them for yourself.
Common Humanity
The ability to recognize that we’re all flawed and all works in progress.
When we are in self-criticism, self-hatred, and self-judgment, it makes us believe that we are the only dumb-dumb who has ever done this thing. It makes us feel isolated and alone. It removes our sense of connectedness to other people.
This pillar really reminds us that we are not the only person who has ever felt this way or done something like this.
My favorite example of this happened a couple years back when I received a “TEST” email from HBO Max. The subject line simply said TEST and the body of the email was completely blank.
Well, it turns out that a new intern at HBO was trying to figure out the email system and accidentally sent that email. To EVERY. SINGLE. SUBSCRIBER. Can you imagine what they must have been going through!?
So, all over social media, people began sharing their stories of their big mistake they made as an intern. And I can only imagine how this helped them to realize they are not the ONLY person in the world who has ever done something like this. They’re fine. Life goes on.
Mindfulness
The ability to be present with the reality of the moment — the feelings we’re having, the thoughts we’re having, the sensations — and not try and resist, avoid, or over-exaggerate.
When we find ourselves in a difficult situation, there’s 1 of 2 things we typically do: we either try to run away from the feelings avoiding them altogether or we overly identify.
Mindfulness asks us to just feel how we’re feeling. Feel the disappointment, feel the anger, feel the sadness. But, don’t make it a part of some story of who you are.
You are not a failure. You are not a procrastinator. You are not lazy.
Also, don’t skip past it and move on to the next thing. Allow yourself to honor where you are. This is something I’m really good at doing for my friends.
If they come to me in distress, I ask them, “How can I hold space for you? Do you just wanna vent? Or do you wanna figure this out together?”
This is the same thing we need to do for ourselves. Are we allowing ourselves to vent and be in our feelings? And when we’re ready, are we problem-solving and figuring out the next steps to take?
These 3 pillars are so extremely helpful and honestly, it’s a practice. It’s not something that’s going to happen overnight, but the more we practice it, the more it will show up in our day-to-day lives.
This Week’s Challenge
Love, I want you to practice self-compassion.
Now, this may be something you do in hindsight, after the moment has passed, but when you do it, I want you to remember those 3 pillars and put them into action.
It may feel a little uncomfortable at first, so just know it’s going to take a little time. It’s just like a new relationship. It may feel a little awkward and weird at first, but you still have to get to know this new person, right?
Just know, this is a relationshp that is so worth cultivating and growing, love.
If you enjoyed this, you’ll love the rest of the “Self” series:
We have a lot of misconceptions about what creates self-confidence. We think self-confidence is a result of our accomplishments and achievements, that it means being “the best” or being perfect. But, love, true self-confidence starts within ourselves. Listen to the first episode of this series to learn what self-confidence means, how to improve your self-confidence, and what holds us back from fully stepping into it.
Do you struggle with finding motivation? Have you found yourself no longer excited to pursue a goal that once lit you up? I have a truth for you, love: motivation isn’t what you think it is. It doesn’t show up magically more for some than for others. In this episode, I want to share what motivation really is and 5 characteristics I notice motivated people have in common.
150 | Self-Growth: Spring Equinox Special
The Spring teaches us so much about growth and beauty. Oftentimes we forget that some of our most difficult moments create the soil for our greatest growth. Listen to this episode to learn how nature can teach us what growth truly is and how to do it.
Did you know that each podcast episode comes with free guided journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to listen to your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.