Release Self Judgment with 4 Powerful Questions | ep 132
As we’re approaching the holiday season and the end of the year, I really want to touch on a topic I know so many of us deal with — self judgement.
Sometimes, the end of the year can be a time where we fall into a self-judgement spiral. We reflect on things we did or didn’t do, things we did or didn’t accomplish, and sometimes we end our year feeling less than capable and confident in ourselves and our abilities.
Love, I want you to know that there is no reason why you should end this year feeling anything less than empowered.
So, today’s topic is for all of us – the ruminators, the obsessors, those of us who play an event over and over and over again in our heads when things don’t go the way we hoped they would. Today, we’re talking all about self-judgement, why we turn to self-judgement and why it’s such an immediate response when things become difficult.
I’m also sharing 4 of my favorite mindset questions that will help you to escape the dreaded self-judgement spiral.
Today’s Mindset Monday reads:
Self judgment is a coping mechanism because it helps distract us from feeling the feelings.
Judging ourselves seems easier than experiencing the heartache, the grief, or the pain.
But it’s only a distraction, love.
“I am such a mess. I feel like a total failure.”
Recently, I had a session with a long time coaching client of mine. She showed up to our call and I could instantly tell something was off.
She said, “Shirin, I am such a mess. I feel like a total failure. I have no idea what I am doing with my life. You need to help me.”
She was experiencing all these demands on her time and energy that she had not foreseen. As an outsider, I could really see how hard of a week she was having. But, instead of being able to really acknowledge that this was a difficult week with a lot of things being asked of her, with her having to navigate a lot of difficult emotions and feelings, she instead came to the call completely overwhelmed saying the most unkind things about herself.
After so many years of doing this work as both a coach and a human, I have come to understand that whenever self-judgment shows up, we are trying to find an out from feeling the hard feelings.
We often try to avoid feeling really hard feelings because we get so overwhelmed by them. But, by avoiding the hard feelings, we don’t allow ourselves to feel the emotions we need to feel. I often say this, but emotions are energy in motion and when that energy can’t flow how it needs to, it will go wherever it can and sometimes that’s through us lashing out at others or even being so unkind to ourselves.
*We talk about this even deeper in How to Deal with Difficult Emotions, episode 127 of the podcast.
Self-judgement is just an avoidance technique. This is why we judge ourselves:
Self judgement is us getting angry at or berating ourselves when we find ourselves in really difficult moments. We all use it to cop out of, get out of feeling really big feelings
But why? Why would you choose self-judgement over just being super sad?
Here’s the thing: we’re really familiar with that feeling of shame or self-judgment. Self-judgment is an emotion that a lot of us grew up with in our households. A lot of us experienced it in the way that our parents or caretakers parented us. We see it all over in society. On top of that, a part of self-judgement makes us feel like we have some control in our lives. We think, “If I judge myself, then I will fix myself. I will never find myself in this situation again.” So, subconsciously, we see self-judgement as this form of control and we love nothing more than feeling like we have control.
Self-judgement actually serves us in many ways. That’s why it is a protective coping mechanism. It’s not actually saving us from the feelings we don’t want to fact, but it makes us feel like we have some control. On the other side of things, self-judgement makes us feel pretty crappy.
Self-judgement makes us believe so many unkind things about ourselves.
As my client told me about her week, every other sentence was a judgment about herself or a label about who she is. As I’m hearing this, I can tell this self-judgmenet is really just a protective mechanism to keep her from feeling something much much deeper.
Self-judgment also allows us to feel that there is some sense of control and for this client, she felt she had very little to no control during this week. So, we went through a few mindset exercises to allow her to get to the heart of things and feel those deeper feelings.
Underneath everything was a lot of fear, grief, and sadness. When she allowed herself to acknowledge and feel those feelings, she began to come out of that self-judgment spiral.
(If you want a refresher on how to move through big, difficult feelings, check out How to Deal with Difficult Emotions.)
Now, I want to share with you the 4 powerful questions I ask when I find myself in a deep shame self-judgment spiral.
The 4 Questions aka “The Work” by Byron Katie
*Disclaimer: I love this concept, but sometimes find Katie’s work a bit problematic as it doesn’t take into account really important factors like systemic oppression or trauma.
These 4 questions are from a self-inquiry practice called “The Work” created by Byron Katie that can help you examine and dissolve the stress associated with your thoughts.
There are 2 important things to do before beginning this practice:
First, becoming aware of what your self-judgement spiral looks and feels like. Using myself as an example, I know I’m in a spiral when I can’t stop thinking about or replaying an event over and over in my head and I’m saying unkind things about myself.
Second, think of a moment you can identify when you were in a spiral. This could be a moment when you found yourself saying unkind things about yourself like “I’m a failure, I’m a mess.” Now, let’s take that thought and apply these 4 questions to it:
Question 1: Is this true?
So, let’s use “I never know what I’m doing” as our self-judgment spiral example.
Q: Is this true?
A: Well, no, that’s not true. It’s not true that I never know what I’m doing, but in that moment, I didn’t know what I was doing.
Now, sometimes with this question, you may find yourself saying “yes” to this question.
“Yes, I’m a failure.”
“Yes, nothing ever works out for me.”
That’s ok, love. Keep that answer. And let’s move on to the next one.
Question 2: Can you absolutely know it is true?
Is this an absolute truth in your life, love? For our example, if I had answered “yes” in the first question, perhaps now I can really look at it and know that it’s not absolutely true. It’s not that I never know, it’s just that I didn’t know in that circumstance.
With these 2 questions, we are really shaking the foundation of that thought by really questioning and examining it. When we are in a deep spiral fo self judgement, we don’t have that opportunity. We don’t take that time to really examine the thoughts. Instead, we just keep repeating them and repeating them and repeating them. And the more we repeat a thought, the more we believe it.
Now, you may find that you are saying “yes” to both of these questions. That’s ok. This isn’t about changing what you think. It’s just about taking the time to stop and examine those thoughts, right? Let’s move on and see what happens.
Question 3: How do I react when I believe this thought? What happens when I believe this thought?
When I believe that I never know what I’m doing, what version of myself do I become? What kind of action or inaction do I take? What kind of decisions do I make?
Question 4: Who or what would I be without this thought?
Let’s now imagine a world where you do not believe this thought. Now, how would you react or respond? How would you move in the world? What kind of actions would you take?
These questions allow us to really look at what we are believing about ourselves. They allow us to stop the self judgement spiral in its tracks and really question this belief.
For me, I find when I practice these 4 questions, it really opens me up to so many possibilities. I realize that the more I allow myself to believe a self-judgement thought, the longer I’m doing things that don’t serve me in the long run.
With these questions, I want you to know that you don’t have to change your actions in the moment. But, these questions allow us to look at the possibilities, to become open to them.
So love, try these 4 questions out. Take some time to become aware of how your self-judgement spiral looks and feels. Then, try them out in the moment or even after the fact. Try them out as you’re reflecting. I recently read an interview with Elizabeth Gilbert and she does this exercise every morning. I wonder just what it can do for you.
Did you know that each podcast episode comes with free guided journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
If you enjoyed this, you’ll also enjoy these posts & podcast episodes:
How to deal with difficult emotions: This one’s for the challenging times. Those heavy, difficult moments in life where you’re sensing “bad” feelings, but instead of allowing yourself to really feel those feelings, you’re running away from them. We’re talking about the beauty and importance of leaning in to those feelings and I’m giving you 3 key reminders about processing uncomfortable feelings.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to listen to your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.