Rewriting Your Story: Fact vs. Fiction | ep54
About this episode:
“I’m irresponsible.”
She said this sentence in the middle of one of our group coaching calls for Wholehearted Woman. At the time we were doing a mindset exercise where each person was trying to write a new belief about themselves. And she just couldn’t. She kept getting stuck.
Finally she said, “I just can’t seem to come up with anything because it’s true, I’m irresponsible, and I can’t think of a new belief.” Now, I’ve known this person for a couple years. She has her own business, a family, a home, and has undergone some heavy stuff during all of that.
This human is the furthest thing from irresponsible…
But when she looked back at her life, all she saw was an irresponsible person making irresponsible decisions.
I stopped her and asked: “Take a moment and look at yourself from the outside, like a stranger. Now take into consideration each and every circumstance that you were going through. All the knowledge you had/didn't have. All the resources you had/didn’t have. Now, would you still consider this person irresponsible?”
Without a pause she said, “No.”
So often we look back at our life and see ourselves as the antagonist of the story instead of the hero.
We see ourselves as the person who keeps messing up again and again. The person who has no idea what they’re doing. We replay the past in our minds cringing and we never stop to ask, “Wait, is this story true?” Because more often than not it’s not.
Love, rewriting your story isn’t about creating fiction. It’s realizing the story you created is your perception of what happened and not the truth. It’s the perception that your most wounded part holds of you.
Rewriting your story isn’t about falsehoods. It’s about looking at your past through the lens of compassion, insight and love. All of us are holding onto a story about ourselves that is an untruth.
But the truth is that we’re scared to rewrite our story. We’re scared that if we actually let go and are kind towards ourselves, we’ll keep making the same mistakes.
We believe deep down that by clinging on and continually punishing ourselves, we’ll finally learn. So we hold our stories dear and we keep our former selves hostage, blaming them for all the pain and hurt we have experienced. Hoping that this is the way to never experience that heartbreak again. But the truth is we keep ourselves trapped in the heartbreak by continually punishing ourselves and never letting go.
So how do we let go? Through compassion.
When we are finally able to see our past self through compassionate eyes, can we finally start to forgive ourselves.
If you want to go deeper, listen to this week’s episode below, where I talk more about self-compassion and J-LO.... it's related to the topic... but there's a lot of J-LO talk.....
A quote to take with you:
“A flower doesn’t have to rest because it wants to look even more beautiful next spring. It rests because it is meant to rest. And you, my love, you are meant to rest because you are.”
This week, I invite you to…
Try this exercise to help open your heart to yourself, should you find yourself lost:
Think of a recent or past memory of which you can’t seem to let go. A memory where you hold a lot of guilt or shame.
Play that memory like a movie and you are the audience watching the protagonist (which is you). Press pause and ask yourself:
What is happening in this person’s personal life?
What are their current circumstances like?
What resources are available to them?
What is their support system like?
How were they feeling leading up to this moment?
What kind of thoughts they were having?
Why would they act/react in this way?⠀
Be an outsider in your own life. See yourself as a loving friend. Put your life in perspective and offer compassion to the person who couldn’t see another way through.
Want to dive deeper through the full journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life and you have come to the right place. Let's create your dream life while living your dream life. Okay love. Hi love. Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at wholehearted coaching, or you can get the full post plus journal prompts. When you sign up for my email list. You can do that in the show notes. Or you can head to my website wholehearted dash coaching calm. So today we're going to be talking about the idea of changing your story. Changing your narrative which every life coach on the face of the planet has said at some point I have said, Let's change your narrative love, right change your story. And that sounds amazing. But what does that exactly mean? So in today's episode, we're going to talk about what changing your story means, how to do it, and what holds us back from changing our story. Now this is going to be a really transformative episode because being able to change your story, which means to look at your past from a different lens not only changes the past, but it changes the present and the future. And we're going to talk about all of that in this episode. But before we dive in to this week's Mindset Monday, I want to remind you that if you are listening to this episode live, this is the last week to sign up for manifest them and save $100 manifest them is my self directed online course that teaches you exactly how to manifest your dream partner. Now listen, if you have been part of this audience for a while, you know when I talk about manifestation, I'm not talking about wishing upon a star, and unicorns and leprechauns. No, this is the nuts and bolts. The step by step of what manifestation is, this is not false positivity. This is really me equipping you with all of the tools from mindset to frequency meditations visualizations that will allow you to manifest the incredible love that you have been dreaming of forever. So the course is $100 off until March 1. And if you want more information, if you want to sign up and head to manifest them.com that's with two T's or you can also head to the show notes. Alright, so now let's get into this week's Mindset Monday. It reads, rewriting your story isn't about writing falsehoods about your past. It's realizing the story you wrote was never true. It's realizing that what you've been telling yourself all along was the lie. So today's Mindset Monday, was inspired by a conversation that I had in one of my group coaching programs in wholehearted woman. This month, we're working on mindset on how we can start to shift our beliefs. So we're doing a lot of work, where we're looking at past memories about circumstances that we're having, and seeing what thoughts we are having about those circumstances. And as we were doing the exercises, one of the women in the course, just kept getting stumped up. And she couldn't think of a new belief. She couldn't think of a belief to help her change her conception, her perception of a circumstance. And she said to me, you know, Sharon, I totally understand what we're doing. But I really can't let go of the belief that I'm irresponsible. I'm trying to come up with a different story. I really am. But it's true. I am irresponsible. Now, listen, I know this woman, she and I have been in each other's lives. For a couple years, we've been following each other on Instagram for a while and this person is anything but irresponsible. She has her own business. She has a family. She has a partner. This person is the opposite of irresponsible. But when she looked back at her life, at her decisions, all she could see was an irresponsible person. And so I asked her, okay, let's say you're irresponsible. Let's just say you are. I want you to take a moment. And I want you to look back at this circumstance where this story originated. The story of I'm irresponsible. And I want you to look at that circumstance from the outside, not as yourself but as someone from the outside Looking in. And I want you to look at yourself like, like a character in a movie and a book, whatever that is. And I want you to ask yourself, what was this person going through at that time? What were the circumstances? What was their life? Like? What kind of resources do they have available to them? What kind of support system did they have available to them? What kind of knowledge did they have? tools did they have? And once you consider all of those things, looking at that person from the outside, would you still consider them irresponsible. And without a pause, without even hesitating. She said, No. This is what changing our story is about. It's about being able to look at your past, from the outside with eyes of compassion, and insight, and wisdom. Because what's happening is that we are looking at our past, from a lens from the eyes of our most wounded part. We're looking at ourselves from that place of wounding, and trauma. And so it's that part of us that really blames ourselves that shames ourselves, that guilt ourselves, because it believes that the longer it punishes us, the more we will learn. We believe that the more we hold on to the narrative, the false unkind narrative, the narrative, where we can punish ourselves, then we'll finally learn and never make the same mistakes. Again, I say this so often, but we hold a version of ourselves hostage, a version of ourselves from the past hostage, because we believe that if we don't let go of this version of this story, right? If we don't let go, we're never going to experience that pain or heartbreak again. And what I want to ask you is, how is that working out for you? Because first, by trying to save ourselves from that heartbreak, or from that pain, by punishing ourselves, we're actually keeping ourselves in a place of pain and heartbreak, right? So we're creating that world for ourselves. Like, we don't need any outside circumstance to create pain, because we've got it handled, right? I'm just going to not forgive myself. I'm going to think the most unkind things about myself. So I won't experience pain. Like I get it sounds funny as I say it, but it is the truth, it is the truth, all of us do it. Right, we punish ourselves, thinking that self criticism, being unkind to ourselves, not letting go not forgiving is the way that we become better people. And second, when we hold on to this version of ourselves this story, it holds us back from doing things that are risky or courageous, which is the pathway to our dreams, right? If I think I'm irresponsible, then I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself to make big decisions. I don't trust myself to figure things out, because well, I'm irresponsible. So the narrative, the story we're holding on to is not just about the past, but it affects the decisions you make about the present, which then dictate your future. So one of the things we really have to acknowledge when it comes to rewriting our story is that there's a part of us that doesn't want to do that. Like as great as that sounds, as much as I hear it from every wellness coach or practitioner. As many slogans as I see that say change your story. A part of you does not want to change your story. Because it is afraid that if you create a new story, a story that is kind and loving and compassionate, then you're not going to be motivated to change. You're not going to be motivated to do different, but you're still going to keep making the same mistakes. We're going to be talking about self compassion a lot in this episode, but this is one of the misgivings A lot of us have around self compassion, that if I am kind to myself, right, if I actually forgive myself, then I'm not going to be motivated to change to do more. We think that self criticism, unkindness, not forgiving ourselves is an effective motivator. But self criticism is actually what undermines our confidence. It's what undermines us doing the things we want to do. There's a really great quote by Louise Hay. And she says, Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. And I ensure as I read that, you're like, Oh, yeah, that makes sense. But a part of you still is like, No, you can't approve of yourself, look at this past history, look at these messes. Look at these failures. And so this is us, recognizing that a part of us is really scared to change the narrative is really scared that if you actually change the narrative, you're not going to learn, you're not going to do different, you're not going to be motivated to do amazing things in your life. And the truth is, is that research on self compassion, research on people who are actually able to change their narrative are able to look at themselves look at their past and their circumstances, through a lens of self compassion, which simply is self kindness. Those people are actually incredibly motivated, and incredibly resilient. This is like science. If you want to learn more about this science and about self compassion, check out Kristin Neff, her whole work. And life is dedicated to self compassion, and teaching us all why it's so important and how to do it. And I also have a few episodes on self compassion that you can check out. But the truth is, that if you can start to change your narrative and look at your past through the lens of compassion, you actually become more motivated to change. Because of let's let's even just look at it this way. Okay, so let's say you're in a relationship, and with a partner or family member, a friend, whomever, and every time you make a mistake, that person holds on to it and Lords that over you, right, it's just like, Well, remember that time you did that, because that was totally stupid. Okay, so let's say you're in that relationship, would you be motivated to try anything new or courageous in the present? Would you be motivated to do things that could possibly lead to failure? No. And that's what we're doing with ourselves. When we hold on to these stories, we're in that toxic relationship, where we Lord our mistakes overreach over ourselves. And we keep ourselves from doing really exciting things. Because we know that if we make a mistake, we're going to be a total asshole to ourselves in the future. Right. So if I make a mistake now, in the past, that seems like when I make a mistake, I'm not really kind to myself. So in the future, I'm going to be so unkind to myself. So I'm better not ever make any mistakes, I better not take any risks, I better not be courageous at all. So there are some really, really compelling reasons to start to let go of this part of you. That is so unkind to you this narrative that is so unkind to you. So let's talk about this thing of changing your story. I want to go back to the example that I started at the top of this episode with the example of my client who thought she was irresponsible. When I asked her those prompts to step outside herself, she was able to look at the circumstances, it's not that we're changing the past, certain things happened, certain things that are irrefutable certain things that are just fact. But by going through those prompts, by allowing her to see her past through a different lens, she was able to interpret those facts, those circumstances, and her relationship with them in a different way. And she was able to see that her being irresponsible actually wasn't the truth. It was a story that she created a story that she created that made sense at that time, but a story that actually is false. And as we went through those prompts, she came back at the end and said, No, no, the truth isn't that I'm irresponsible. The truth is that I make really brave decisions. I make really brave decisions. Can you see how that shifts everything that her now being able to look at those circumstances in her past and being able to See herself as making brave decisions, changes the whole thing. You know, when you look at the past and you kind of cringe and you get that feeling in your stomach, that's because of the narrative you have. So if you have the narrative, I'm irresponsible. It's like, oh, cringy. But if you have the the story of I make really brave decisions, you can look at those circumstances in a whole different way. One thing I also want to add, that is so insidious, is we also have to name white supremacy and patriarchy here. Because so often the lens that we're looking at our past with, are clouded by these two things. For instance, this client of mine is a woman of color, who also got pregnant in the middle of this endeavor that she wanted to embark on. A woman of color who is about to have a baby, is that irresponsibility is that you being irresponsible, or all of a sudden, you know, your life changing and being in a society that doesn't have the resources or support system for humans that are pregnant? Right, being in a society that does not have the same support system, in business owners of color. Right, so we have to name those things as well. That's why in the prompts, one of the prompts is, what are the resources available to you? What are the privileges available to you? And are there any I had to name that I just get so incensed, because so many of us, from marginalized communities are carrying around these stories about our past that have nothing to do with who we are. In the case of this client. I said to her, if you were a white man, would you think you're irresponsible looking at these circumstances? And the blatant answer is no. A white man would not see that it's irresponsible. So I want you to take that in as we do this work as well. All right, so changing the narrative, Sharon, how do we do that? Let's get back on track. Let's get back on track. So okay, y'all, I was watching Tick Tock. And for me, my ideas come to me in like little snippets and all of a sudden, it's like a That's So Raven moment. Like I just it all comes together in my mind. And so about a month ago, I saw this Tick tock, y'all these kids on Tick tock, so smart, so amazing. And this woman was saying, people out here are living their lives as if they're not the main character in the movie. They're living their lives as if they're a side character. And I thought, Oh, that is that is profound. But I'm taking this thought one step further, which is, we are living our lives. Not as if we are the hero of the story, the main character of the story, we're living our lives as if we are the antagonist of the story. So instead of Batman, we're like the Joker. Right? Instead of being I don't know, Jennifer Lopez, we're like that side character who always gets in the way. So this is about you seeing yourself as the hero in the movie, because Okay, let's talk about like our favorite ROM coms. I love me some ROM coms. Again, Jennifer Lopez Queen of ROM coms when you're watching Jennifer Lopez in a movie and she's making all these silly quote unquote mistakes or decisions. Are you thinking, oh my god, you're such a failure. You're a mess and having all these negative feelings towards her? Probably not. You're probably like, Oh my gosh, girl. I can understand why you're doing that. But like, don't take a risk. It's Matthew McConaughey. Like we have so much compassion and understanding are these romcom characters. And I want you to start seeing your life through that lens. through the lens of you are Jennifer Lopez you are Meg Ryan, you are fill in the blank, whichever rom com character you love. Oh my gosh, I love shits Creek. And Dan Levy's character on that show. I mean, come on his journey, David's journey to getting to Patrick is just like so up and down. And through it all. We're just so supporting him. We're like, come on, you can do this. That is how you have to start looking at your life and your past. So this is how we change the narrative. I want you to take a moment in your life, where you have a lot of shame or guilt, you know, one of those moments we think about and we cringe, okay? And I want you to watch it like it's a movie. You're an audience member, you're not that person. And I want you to pause that movie perhaps at a part where Maybe a big decision was about to be made, or there was, you know, a reaction or an action, whatever, just pausing that movie at a certain point. And I want you as an audience member to look at this hero, this heroine, this main character and ask yourself what is happening in this person's personal life? What are their current circumstances? Like? what resources are available to them? What privileges do they have? Or not have? What is their support system? Like? What are they feeling like leading up to this moment? What kind of thoughts were they having? And then see if you can figure out why they reacted or acted or made this decision in that way. Treat yourself like the main character in a movie love with the same kindness and compassion and humor. Because once you can start to do that, once you can see the past through a different lens and create a different story about what happened, a more true story about what happened, then that motivates you to do so much more in the present. If we can show ourselves that we are kind to ourselves, when we make a quote unquote, mistake when we make decisions. When we do things that are uncomfortable, then we are motivated to keep doing those things. So love writing your story is not about creating fiction. It's about looking at the past and seeing that you've been creating fiction all along that there's another story there to be unearthed. Until next week, I will talk to you then. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this week's episode, please share it with a friend. comment and rate this podcast until next week. See you later. Love