Self Compassion | ep67
About this episode:
Last week, we talked about how failure is a necessary part of going after our dreams. And let’s be honest, failure hurts. It is painful. It is disappointing. It is hard. But so often, we exacerbate the pain of failure by being so unkind to ourselves on the other side. Maybe this is why we avoid failure so much- because we don’t want to live through our own judgement, shame and blame.
In Buddhism, there is a concept called the Second Arrow.
The first arrow is the pain of your current circumstances- not getting that job, breaking-up, forgetting that deadline.
The second arrow is the pain that we inflict upon ourselves- our own judgement, anger and frustration at ourselves.
So instead of tending to the pain of what is here now, we deflect by being unkind to ourselves. We think this is the only way that we will learn, that we will change, and that we will become better. But this only leads to us avoiding taking chances and trying anything new. Because why would you ever want to take a risk if you knew that on the other side there was just self-criticism and negativity?
This is why we need to cultivate self-compassion. If we knew that when we took risks, regardless of the outcome, we would cheer ourselves on and lift ourselves up, we would try more.
Kindness and love towards yourself will not make you any less motivated or strong, love.
It will make you resilient. And resilience is what sees you through. Kindness is what keeps us going, love. It’s not the unkind words, but that loving whisper in our mind that tells us “you’ve got this.”
If you’re ready to find out how you can cultivate more self-compassion now, so that you can fail and fail again until you get to where you want to be, tune in to this episode below.
Some quotes to take with you:
Want to dive deeper through journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox, get on my email list: https://forms.aweber.com/form/26/1798524926.htm
Resources mentioned in this episode:
Inner Compass: The Course: If you’re ready to finally figure out what you’re meant to do in this world, if you’re ready to stop getting in your own damn way, if you’re ready to actually breath life into your dreams, then this special experience is for you. Graduates know how to face challenges and achieve their goals because they know how to use their mindset to work for them. That’s why there is such a huge success rate.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life and you have come to the right place. Let's create your dream life while living your dream life. Okay love. Hi love. Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at wholehearted coaching or you can get the full post plus journal prompts. When you sign up for my email list, you can do that in the show notes or you can head to my website, wholehearted dash coaching comm so today's episode is about productivity. And we're going to talk about a productivity tool that I think most of us wouldn't think is a productivity tool. We're not talking about life hacks waken up earlier, we're not even talking about organization. No, now listen, all those things are great. But you know, that's not the whole hearted way. The whole hearted way is about looking at the source. What's keeping you from being productive? What's keeping you from using all those hacks, those tools, those journals, those systems that you have learned and spent real good money on? Today, we're talking about self compassion, self kindness. Now listen, I know you're out there thinking Sharon, how will be unkind to myself, make me more productive. Trust me, by the end of this episode, you will get it I promise. So over the past four weeks, I have been giving you a sneak peek into inner compass, the course my online course for naming, claiming and creating the life you desire. The course is a fast track to clarity clarity around who you are, what you want to do in the world, what's holding you back, and then clarity on how to do the things you truly want to do. It's a combination of all the tools lessons and concepts that have created the most massive changes in my clients lives curated into an easy to understand and follow on line course. Now this summer, I am teaching you the course live, which means I'm going to be guiding you through the work. Personally, we start on June 11. So there is still time to join us. You can find out more by heading to the show notes or going to wholehearted dash coaching comm slash inner compass. So the podcast episodes for the past few weeks have been taking us through the five different modules of the course. Now we're on to the fourth episode dedicated to the course. Which means that we're looking at the themes in module four, which is called doing the damn thing. Yes, how do we actually do the things that we want to do? It's the whole hearted look at productivity. And today's episode is dedicated to what I believe is the unsung hero of productivity, compassion. So before we dive into this lesson, make sure you grab the worksheet that goes along with this episode by signing up for my email list. And stay tuned at the end of this episode for an interview with an inner compass graduate. Now this interview is a blast y'all. Lindy totally took the course to heart and it changed her life. She changed careers, she manifested a speaking career and transformed how she moves in the world. She is such a bright light, and you will definitely want to stay tuned and listen to this interview. So let's get into today's Mindset Monday, it reads. Perhaps we fear failure so much because we're so unkind to ourselves on the other side, because we never stop punishing ourselves. Because we don't know how to forgive ourselves. So we talked about failure last week. And self compassion is really one of the biggest keys to navigating failure in my opinion. And so these two podcast episodes go hand in hand. Make sure you listen to last week's episode, because this episode is going to illuminate so much for you. Because I want us to be really truthful and honest. That's what we do and wholehearted coaching. We can kind of be real assholes to ourselves after we fail, right? Like we're so unkind to ourselves when we make a mistake or when we fail. Just think about what you say to yourself or how you feel towards yourself. After you discover you made a mistake, right, that first moment when you realize you did something, quote unquote, wrong. Most likely, a lot of really unkind things are coming up for you, right? Like, Oh, I can't believe you did that you can't get anything, right. We judge ourselves, we become so mean to ourselves. And honestly, I think this is one of the biggest reasons why we are afraid to fail, because on the other side of failure is this bully, and the bully is ourselves. So we avoid failing, because we can't face that judgmental, unkind version of ourselves, that version of ourselves that never lets go that keeps judging us that keeps bringing up the mistake again and again. And as we learned last week, we actually need to be making mistakes, we need to be failing, because that's how we evolve and transform and get to where we want to be. So if we want to do these big amazing things in the world in our lives, which means that we will most likely fail and make some missteps, then we also need to learn how to be kind to ourselves. So that when and not if, when we fail, we can pick ourselves up with kindness, and grace and keep doing that thing again, and again, and again. So here is what I know to be true about you. I know you know how to get things done. No matter what life throws your way, you can figure it out, you can deal with it, you know how to get back up time and again. But here's the thing, while you have mastered the art of getting back up, and getting it done, you're also exhausted and tired. You're getting across that finish line, but you're doing it bloody and wounded and battered. And here is why. It's because self criticism is your fuel. Your motivation is negative self talk, you're doing big things, but you're doing it in some of the most unkind ways to yourself. And while self criticism gets the job done, this is why it's so insidious. Self criticism can get us very, very far. It also makes us miserable, exhausted, it depleted, it takes away all the joy. And most importantly, it can only work for so long. We cannot be resilient, we cannot sustain the journey towards our biggest dreams through self criticism. That is why self compassion is part of my productivity module and inner inner compass. The course. self compassion gives you the ability to become resilient, to thrive, to keep doing to keep trying, in a way that is kind in a way that is sustainable. Because it wholehearted coaching, I want you to learn how to do things for the long haul. If how you're reaching your dreams is unkind to yourself. What's the point, right? This is what I say at the beginning of the podcast, creating your dream life while living your dream life. self compassion gives us the ability to become resilient to thrive to sustain this journey towards our dreams. So self compassion, self kindness has to become the foundation, it has to become the fuel. That is how we keep on going. Whilst self criticism is about surviving, right? self compassion is about thriving. And that is what I want for all of us to get out of that survival cycle and into this journey of just thriving. Because I want you playing the long game love. We need your work in the world for a long ass time. Okay, so let's first define what self compassion is. Kristin Neff, who is an incredible researcher and scientists on self compassion, I really recommend you check out her stuff. Kristin Neff, define self compassion as a practice in which we learn to be a good friend to ourselves when we need it most, to become an inner ally, rather than an inner enemy. Now compassion is another one of those words that's thrown around a lot in the World of Wellness. Right? You hear these phrases of be more compassionate, show yourself some compassion. And too often I see clients struggling to actually practice compassion towards themselves. They know how to do it towards others, but not towards themselves and their lives. And I think there's two reasons why. The first is we don't trust self compassion. And the second is we don't know how to do it towards ourselves. So let's explore these a little further. The first being that we don't trust, self compassion, I believe that we have a bias against self compassion, right? We don't trust, self compassion or kindness we don't trust, that being kind to ourselves will allow us to do the things we want to do in the world. What we do trust is self criticism. We believe that the only way to change to learn to grow is to be unkind to ourselves. And that if we are actually kind to ourselves, we're never going to be motivated to change that if we are content with who we are. We're never going to want different or to strive for more. The truth is, we all have some beliefs to unlearn when it comes to self compassion. Because so many of us believe that, you know, self compassion is just a form of self pity, that we have to be strong and tough to get through life, that it's selfish and self centered, it's going to make us lazy, right that we have to be hard on ourselves, to want to change or to do more, that if we mess up, we need to punish ourselves and make amends in order to learn and to grow. Right. Be honest with yourself how many of these statements ring true? If you grab the worksheet for today's episode, by signing up for my email list, I lead you through some prompts that will give you greater clarity around what your beliefs are. But here are a few prompts to ponder. Now just go with whatever comes to mind after I say the prompt. If I am kind to myself, I am afraid I may. I've always associated self kindness with being kinder to myself would mean just see what words come up for you what beliefs what thoughts are coming up as you as you go through the prompts. If you're reflecting on what came up, and you're having some heavy feelings, know that you're not alone. We've been raised in a society that promotes self criticism, right? And for those of us who came up in certain marginalized communities, who self criticism was like, just the way the way that our families and communities communicated with one another, right? Think of what conversations were in your household and your school and your community, are the conversations around how to motivate yourself, right? What happened when you messed up, think of what you maybe learned from your surroundings, about being kind to yourself. For me, I really struggled with letting go of self criticism, because I was worried that if I was kind to myself, I would never be motivated to change or do better. And I really believe that my self critical voice was necessary to reach my goals. And I was really resistant to being more kind to myself, because I had gotten really far I had created this amazing operatic career, I had moved to New York, I had made some huge transformations in my life because of self criticism. But on the other side of that was, I was miserable. I was burnt out. I was very unhappy with my life. And so that's kind of this really tricky, insidious thing about self criticism is that yes, it may get the goals that you desire. But what are the feelings that you find when you get there? How do you feel about yourself? So I totally understand that resistance to being more kind because these beliefs are really ingrained within us. But science proves over and over again, that self compassionate people are the resilient ones. They're the ones that get difficult shit done. They're the ones that are more creative. They're the ones that are able to thrive. Research shows that self compassionate people are better able to cope with tough situations like trauma, chronic pain, divorce, they're able to stick to long term goals, far better than those people who haven't cultivated self compassion. And Research also shows that self criticism is not an effective motivator. Instead, it actually undermines confidence, and leads to a fear of failure. This is science, y'all. This is science telling us this. Research shows us that self compassionate people have high personal standards. They don't just beat themselves up when they fail. This means that they're less afraid of failure, and they're more likely to try again, and to persist in their efforts after failing. This all reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Louise Hay, and it reads, remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn't worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens. Love being unkind to yourself is not going to make you a better person, not forgiving yourself for that misstep you made years ago doesn't mean that you're never going to make any more mistakes or that you're finally learn, it just means that you are keeping yourself stuck. It just means that you're holding yourself back. It just means that you're making yourself exhausted and miserable in the present moment. So the good news is that we can learn how to be self compassionate. And we do that through the three pillars of self compassion, and these are developed by Kristin Neff. So those three pillars are self kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. So self kindness, that is the ability to extend the kindness and care we would to others, right, when they're in difficult circumstances towards ourselves. So if you see someone who is wounded, who's suffering who's struggling, what would you do? Would you judge them? Make them feel worse? Or would you tend to them would you check in on them? Self kindness asks us to be the friend that we are to others. We deserve the same love, respect and patience we give to those we love. Self kindness asks us to do unto ourselves as we would unto others. The second pillar common humanity, common humanity is the ability to recognize that we're all flawed and works in progress. Right? Self criticism makes us feel isolated, and alone, right? It takes us away from our connectedness to others, which exacerbates the pain of what we're going through, right? Self criticism makes you feel like you are the only person who has ever done this dumb ass Hurry, right. But self compassion instead connects us to others. When we go through a hard time, it's the ability to ask yourself, Is this something that others have experienced, that they've done or gone through? Right? So in other words, is this dumb essary something other people have done? And the answer love is? A Yes. Okay. This common humanity piece is a real key for me, it's just reminds me that like, yeah, this sucks. But this is definitely something other people have maybe done or experienced, or this feeling is something that other people are feeling to. It reminds us that we're all going through something and that what we're going through is natural and normal and a common experience. Now we're at the final step, mindfulness. And mindfulness is defined as the ability to be present with the reality of the moment, the feelings, the thoughts, the sensations, and not try and resist avoid, or over exaggerate, which is ultimately what I call feel the feels. So when we find ourselves in a difficult situation, some of us or sometimes, right, in different circumstances, we will either try to avoid the hard feelings, right, resist avoid. And mindfulness instead asks us to be present with them, right, really feel them. And other times, or some of us find that we try to over exaggerate what we're going through, right? We find ourselves in that difficult circumstance, and we just ruminate in it. And in these moments, what's happening is that we are falling into our stories. So something goes wrong, we fail at something. And instead of just seeing this as a failure, and processing that pain of failing, failing, we go into the mode of I am a failure. Everything I do I fail at, we make the situation part of some story, some narrative, some myths we have in our mind. And mindfulness is all about seeing the situation for what it is, and letting it be exactly what it is. and allowing yourself the space and time to process the hard feelings. Truth is making our difficult moments into stories is the easy way out. Because it means that you actually don't have to process you don't have to feel you don't have to grieve. But when we create stories, that also means that we will most likely not try again. Because we will not forgive ourselves. We can't create that momentum we desire because we have this Rolodex in our head, this story and all of these different situations that serve us as proof, right proof of why we are a failure, proof of why we fail everything we do. So the first thing I ask myself, when I find myself in a difficult situation is what is the story I am believing here? Or what is the story that I'm telling myself here? And if you're unsure if you can't really figure that out. This is a question I want you to ask. Okay. This is one of the most powerful minds questions there is in my in my opinion. So we ask ourselves, which means that. So an example of this is, I didn't get the job, which means that and then just see what comes up. So I didn't get the job, which means that I can't do anything, right. I'm not good at anything, nothing ever works out for me. The date went terribly, which means that I'm not attractive, I'm never going to find anyone, I'm going to become a cat person. Right? The which means that illuminates to you what your stories are. But love, when you see a story, when you identify a story, you need to know. This is just the story I'm creating this moment is not part of some bigger story love. This is just a moment in time that is it. So this ability to take a moment a difficult situation and really feel the hard feelings and not make it part of some story is huge. In Buddhism, there is a concept called the second arrow. The first arrow is the wound that you're feeling right the wound of the circumstance, the wound of things, not working out of not getting the job offer of getting ghosted, of not getting to go on that vacation, you've been planning forever, right? That's the first wound. The second arrow is the arrow of judgment and shame and blame that we place on ourselves. So instead of dealing with the tremendous pain of the first arrow, we make things doubly hard for ourselves by adding that shame and blame. And we are also really not focusing our energy on what we should be focusing our energy on, which is the first arrow the first wound tend to the wound of the first arrow, love, cry, yell, have a pity party, call up all your friends feel the feelings love. One of my favorite quotes by Pema children reads, if you want to be a complete human being, if you want to be genuine and hold the fullness of life in your heart, then failure is an opportunity to get curious about what is going on. And listen to the storylines. Don't buy the ones that blame it on everyone else. And don't buy the storylines, that blame it on yourself either. being kind to yourself is the key love, and I understand how difficult it can be. But once you can turn your kindness towards yourself, that's when everything changes. You start to take risks, you start to move through difficulties with more ease, you create so much more joy and you try and you try and you try again, you get back up with grace and compassion and kindness. And you keep on going, which is really what productivity is to keep doing to keep moving through. In inner compass the course we spend an entire lesson on how to cultivate this incredibly powerful tool. This tool that not only transforms your inner world, but your outer world as well. If you want to check out more about inner compass the course head to the show notes or go to wholehearted dash coaching comm slash inner compass. And now I hope you stick around and listen to my interview with Lindy, an inner compass participant who literally skipped the lesson on self compassion. She was like I didn't really want to do it. And then she came back to the lesson on self compassion and found that it was the key that she had been looking for. I am so excited to introduce you all to this human being and she joined inner compass and he is a total beam of light in our community. Lindy Welcome to wholehearted coaching the podcast. Thank you for being here. Thank you so so much for being here. Lindy, I want you to tell the people out there just a little bit about yourself because your story is one that continually amazes me and astounds me, you just keep revealing these little parts of you and I'm like, this human being is amazing. So tell the people out there about yourself. Oh my goodness, that is that's such a dream. You just say that makes me just My heart is so like, Oh, I'm bubbling. Yeah, so my story kind of with this work, and generally My story is that I kind of started when four years ago when I had a stroke and I lost the ability To speak, to read to write, I didn't remember my mother's name. I knew who she was. But I had no idea. I couldn't recall her like actual name. And yeah, it was a really strange process. And I was there with like, in my own mind, I was completely conscious. I was very aware of everything that was happening. But I couldn't articulate I couldn't get out what I wanted to get out. And it was, it was definitely really hard. But I actually recovered physically very fast. And I guess what happens when you recover really fast is that actually, the mental recovery takes longer, because I just had all around me that you've recovered, you've recovered, you've recovered. And mentally I was like, I'm really struggling. And I couldn't really feel that I didn't know how to tell anyone, not because people were just telling me, I was recovered. And I was so strong, and I was an inspiration. And Wow, this is amazing. But in my head, I was like, This is not right. So I went on this journey of self discovery, self development, working with people, I thought it was about the outside. So it was fitness, it was health, it was trying to make me look a certain way and be a certain way and be perfect, like, you know, the whole time and just trying to be the best person I could be. And after I did all of that, and I achieved all of that, I realized, I still wasn't right in the mind. And so I mean, I watched your work on Instagram for like, too long, I've learned for too long. And I always said that if she did a course that I could afford, I would do it. And then you did it at a time. Obviously, with last year, everyone's been through so many things. But it was at a time where I had lost my job. I had lost my flat. And I was in Ireland. And I was like I had no I had no focus on what to do. And I still wasn't ready. It was like four years after my stroke. And I still was like, there's something like there's something blocking me from really like being who I wanted to be like who I am inside, but I didn't know what it was. And I didn't know how to get there. And all of your work is like that. It's just like uncovering like who you are actually, rather than all the things that we put ourselves through in society. I was like, Yeah, let's do it immediately, immediately that you did that. I was like, I'm doing it. And yeah, that's that's and that's also a short journey, because I've had lots of health issues and lots of things before my stroke and lots of things. But I think really, after this work that we have done, I've come back to like my childhood stuff and come back to like, who I am, who I was deep down inside, then without any other like societal pressures. And I now feel like, you know, I still have some of the things that I'm still working through daily, but I am truly I feel more myself as a child as a child than I do the societal pressures. So yeah, it's the right way around now. I, I love, love, love hearing that. I do love and I was gonna ask because you and I were in communication, you were in my DMS. And we were talking and chatting for quite some time before you joined inner compass. And I had had a couple offerings before that, too, that you were like on the fence about and you decided it wasn't the right time, which I absolutely respect because I think we have to come to the work and the type of work that we want to but what was it about besides like the price point? Is there anything else you want to add to that about inner compass that you were like, Okay, this is how I want to invest in myself and how I want to work with Shirin. Yeah, I mean, this I have done courses before, like a lot. And I think a lot of people that have taken like that we work together on the inner compass have taken loads of courses as well. And I genuinely haven't looked at a course since. Like I like it's really ridiculous, because I used to dream of taking so many courses I did. And I guess like a lot of times it's like, when will be the last one. When will be the last course when will it be like this is the course that it's done. And I've done the work and I now know what to do for the future. And it just always leaves you wanting more every course I did always left me wanting more. And I think the biggest thing for me is that I saw how you showed up every day in any course like online free. Everything that you do put out like free content, I saw that. And I was like if she's putting that stuff out free like that work that's like so good. Especially like I listen to your podcasts like from the beginning. So if like if she's putting that stuff out for free, could you imagine what I could get like when she's like one on one with me? Like Could you imagine and obviously this course wasn't one on one. But I actually think which is so mental that I genuinely think like I needed to do this course mainly for the group because I didn't realize how much I do isolate myself and I You try to be super independent in my own work. And so I think that I waited like the world waited for me to do this group and to be at the right time and the right like mentality for me to be open to it. Because I know genuinely, I don't think I was open to it when I kept saying, I think I think because the minute that you put that out, I genuinely was like, Yes, I'm doing it. And it just clicked in my mind. So I guess for me is that one, the inner compass, I was wanting to find that North Star for myself. And so it the title for me was like, so aligned then, as well, when we did that, that first week where it wasn't the course but it was kind of we did like the booklets a little bit of the booklet. And I was like this, I love booklet. And I was like, This is exactly what I needed. And I was like, I can do that. I just, you just put out you care about anyone, whether they are paying clients or not. And that's the thing, like, so many people are just like, have you like I have so many people come into my DMS and they do say like, Oh, you should do this. And they're really kind and really great for me at the beginning and the minute say like, Oh, I can't afford coaching at the minute, I never hear from them again. And that isn't wasn't you always constantly were just building that relationship for me. Because then when I came on in a canvas, I felt like I knew you. And it made my work easier. Because I I knew you and it felt I felt comfortable. And you also give such a positive light. And there's no judgment and anything that you put out and there's no critic and there's no, I mean, personally, your story like be like being an opera singer like I was I tried to be an actor my whole life. And I just it wasn't not after I finished school like after I was like this is I always wanted to go to drama school. And after I finished I was like, I don't want this. And it was like I just related to your story. And I think it all tied together in that one moment. But I think definitely the biggest thing is like, if you see children's like free content, and how much she puts into that. It's like 1000 times better and like more specific, even though his group. It's so specific, and it feels I don't know how many times I cried on zoom with you guys, but like, I never I've never cried before this and I've cried and now I cry. And it's just like, it just feels like I've let out myself through that. Like Yeah, I mean, I could talk about it all day. And I guess that's why I'm here but it's definitely like, yeah, it's a dream. And even now like I did just you just care so much and it's I think that's the biggest thing like I genuinely you cannot someone that says I care about the people that follow me like you genuinely care. And I see I saw that before and now I actually see it like actually daily and yeah. Oh, Lindsay thank you thank you for all all all of that thank you so Lindy joined before we Linda you've pretty much joined like all my free if I have a masterclass or workshop you've joined them all but I do remember you joined up for the masterclass before inner compass where you got like the little booklets the worksheets, and I do remember you saying to me, you're like you had done one or two, the worksheets and you're like if I can have this many revelations from just these couple worksheets then like what is possible with like an entire course. And you really like took to it. What is exciting, though, so this summer, I'm launching just like we did last summer, a group component, right, so we're doing the live calls, you know, once every other week. Yeah, can you? You talked a little bit about it. But I know you love the course. But what was it like to do the work live with me and with like a community there and with our online community as well? How did that share things? Because I mean, I've done like group therapy before, and I've done things where like, there was a group but like, there is always like this tentative thing of will people be open to actually like being open to my story. Or also I have I had this thing where I was like, will I even get the time to delve into who like me, like It Will that be enough time in that hour or like hour and a half or like whatever that I will actually get the time to delve into like my core self and like what I need. And what's so funny is that even if you don't share, you do get into it, because you don't realize and this is what I what I didn't realize is that everyone is a different circumstance. But everyone has the same feeling like you know, fear and anxiety is the same human emotion. And so yes, maybe it's the fear of buying a house versus the fear of going on a first date, but it's the same fear and it's the same anxiety and it's the same it's the same like feeling like you want to be good enough. It's the same like you know Do I have enough money to buy food or buy a house like it's the same fear of that thing. And so when somebody is talking to me about their hopes and dreams on the call, even if I didn't talk about my hopes and dreams, the fact that they are so vulnerable, the fact that they are sharing themselves and sharing, like, Hey, you look, I could look at them think they have altogether, and then the fact that they're like, I'm actually really afraid of head dreaming, you're like, I've been afraid of dreaming, I have. And it's a different dream, but I've been afraid of that. And so you actually, then you speaking to this person, and you sharing, you know how to get through that and how to get, like, overcome that feeling, but not move past it and ignore it, like overcome, to be able to have those feelings, like be aware of those feelings, and then move forward. And then do it again. And again. And again, until it's just a natural thing for you that you just get the feeling you are aware of it and you move on, you know, so, but you explaining that to someone else. Explain that to me. And then sometimes, like you don't want to share in that day, but you still get out of it what you needed, because somebody else is sharing as well. And like, that's just so lovely that you don't have to be super emotional every single week, in order to get stuff out. And also sometimes like the one of the best like cause or when, when we're just laughing all the time, you know, that when people are just laughing, and it's like you genuinely, like, towards the end, like the women that got on the cause and make I still like, we still have the cause. I'm just like, I just, I actually feel so much love for them. And I've never met them, I don't speak to them, like outside, because, but I genuinely just love them to pieces, because I know deep down what their hopes, dreams, fears, everything is and I just wish them the best and everything. And then the fact that I could do that, I wish the best of myself because I mean, you know, me, like I keep I had this belief in this story that I don't have empathy, like, I just kept doing it. And it was, it's really, it was really hard to like, get rid of that mentality. And it still comes up sometimes. But the fact is, and it's the same with self compassion, and the fact that I can have empathy for other people, I now show it in myself that only work based on the fact that it was a group call, because I finally had that empathy for other people, where it's like, it's rare that you have a group of your friends or sitting in front of you sharing their hopes, fears and dreams and having to give empathy to everybody every single month, week, whatever you know. So it's, it's a really like a special moment and special thing that you can't really get outside of a group coaching call. Hmm, I love that. I love that so much, because I believe in the power of group coaching, because of exactly what you're saying. And, and also, like, I find that in a group coaching context, we formed this bond, but like, you don't really know these people, you know, parts of them, you know, it's their story, a bit of it. But oftentimes, the people in the group know stuff about you that like some of the closest people in your life, don't understand or can't understand, right, like to the depth that we can within that container. So yeah, I just I love that, that I just believe so much in group coaching. And I love that you have that experience. So Lindy, this episode is focused on self compassion, which I know you had like a really interesting relationship with that lesson in the course. Can you tell us a little bit about how your relationship with self compassion shifted after doing inner compass? Yeah, so when we did like the modules, I kind of stopped at self compassion. And I was like, I don't need to do this module like I don't need to because I'm so good at self compassion. And I think the reason why I thought I was so good at it is because I let myself off a lot. So I don't but then I also I forgot that part. Because after I let myself off, I'm very negative about it. And so I didn't, I didn't associate that point with that compassion. I associated the fact that, oh, I take rest days. And I do that. So I'm self compassionate. But the negative thought that I had I've taken the rest day is the fact that I don't have a conversion. I didn't. So yeah, it took me a while to do the course. I think I did it last in the end. Because I was like, I don't need to, but then we did. We did it. And I did it. And I realized just how much pressure I put on myself and how much like, Yeah, I just put a lot. I just put a lot of pressure. And I still I'm working. I think that's the biggest thing that I have to work with every single day is how much pressure I put on myself. And I thought it was due to the fact of like, other people, I always thought it was external and I just realized that now it's because of me and the fact that I don't feel like I'm good enough in the We're like, you know, in external issues, you know, and that also then seeps into my internal worth, if I don't think I'm external, the worthy. And so that was like a really big, like, that was a really big like lion to face. You know, like, I didn't understand that I had that belief. And so once I did the work, and once I did all these group coaching calls where I shared like, where I was vulnerable in saying like this, is it because I didn't think I was that person. And so the fact is that when you don't think that you're somebody that you are, it's really, really scary to share that to say, like, hey, this isn't I realized that this isn't who I am, is really scary. But once I did that, and like seeing how other people responded and did the work, and really delve into why I didn't feel that way, and why I wasn't self compassionate, and why I wasn't able to just be just like, just be with myself and just be okay with like, taking rest and everything. It just clicked and I was like, No, you are human, and you are worthy of anything, whether you take a rest, or don't take a rest, whether you do the work or don't do the work, like whatever it is, your work doesn't equate on that. And once that happened, I don't even notice when I take a rest or not like it's just natural for me, I just listened to who I am and what I want. But I don't have a negative thoughts on that anymore. Because it's just not my belief. It's just not my belief anymore. Like, I don't believe that taking rest. And I don't believe that being compassionate to yourself is negative, like, I just don't believe it anymore, because it's just not true. And so it just completely changed. And I don't even think about it anymore. But there was one big thing that actually happened. And I know it's not about the course, but it's about your podcast. So I listened to your podcast, and there was one of them that said about doing like, you're running and you were like, you know, she was telling me my ear that you know, as as hard as you rest, the harder you can go again. And when you said that, like it has just clicked like since then, like he just clicked and it's been I've been I say that to myself all the time. Like, the harder you rest, the harder you work. And if I want to work hard, and if I want to be a hard worker, I have to rest hard to and that means like doing the stuff that I loved socializing, like taking time off. It's not bubble baths, you know, it's like just doing the things I love, like going for a walk or sitting on the sofa, whatever it is like resting heart means like to work hard. And it's actually more fun working hard when you've rested. And so yeah, like it just it just, it just changed. Like I don't it's so strange when people say like, I just don't believe that, and you believe it? And then suddenly now I've not I don't believe it. And you're like, Whoa, I believe that. Like it's just it is like such a mind shift of being Like what? Like, I used to believe that like, I don't know, it's so weird. But yeah, so it's definitely it's definitely changed. And I'm very grateful for it. I love that those like that's huge because I remember that self compassion and empathy conversation on a lot of our group calls where you like you just end something like during our group calls shifted for you like I could sense it, I can feel it. And I love that you bring up rest and ease and all that because that's also part of the course it's the final module because it is it's so important. We forget that component is part of a sustainable, like, dream life is rest and ease. So my final question though Lindy is what are some of the changes and shifts and transformations and they don't have to be like big outward ones that can just be the inner ones. But what are those things that you really like took from that are because of inner compass, the community the chorus, just doing that work with us? Yeah, there was one module. I don't forget what it was, but it was our title. Is it so title? It was? Yeah, your sole title isn't the first module. Yeah, so our so Tyler we we did that. And yeah, it just clicked for me. Like, it just it came in. So my sole title is the speaker. And I've always, I've always been told negatively, that I am a talker, not a listener. And I spent years trying to force myself to listen, trying to make sure that I didn't speak until I was ready to or trying to make sure that nobody thought that I wasn't listening to them. But you're just really trying to make sure and but also sometimes telling people like I'm listening, I'm listening, like, just because I was so afraid that people would think I wasn't listening. And so when I did that, you know, so title and it just came to me the speaker, I was like I am a speaker. Like there are some people that aren't speakers and there are some people that are and I am a speaker and it doesn't mean I don't listen because I have to listen in order to speak. So it's not that I don't listen, I'm just the speaker. And I wrote like this whole poem about being the speaker and What it means to me and I spoke it out loud every single day for a week, because I wanted to get it into my body. And I wanted to make sure that I emulate that. And since that happened, like, since I like had this epiphany, and since I knew like, I'm a speaker, I started to podcasts. I have a YouTube channel, I am speaking on other people's podcasts, you know, now this, especially this year, I spoke on two podcasts since the course. And I'm just and genuinely people like oh my God, I've loved like listening to you, I love the you know, like, just all these things that now that I have the mission of me being the speaker, people are saying, like all I want you to talk about this, like, let's get you on my live, like do this. And it just is like, Whoa, because once I stopped focusing on like, trying to listen. And once I started focusing on providing value, in my words, it changed because I wasn't not listening. I'm just speaking now. And it changed my like thought process on the whole listening and speaking mentality. And I don't even I don't remember the last time that I thought I should listen, like I don't remember the last time I'm just thinking about that now. Like, I don't remember when I thought the last time I thought oh my god, what if they don't think I'm listening to them. And also the other thing as well is that I now probably I now listen more, because I'm not thinking in my head going, I have to listen to how to listen. And yeah, I'm just not. I'm just also just not so self, like concerned with how other people think of me in the moment. Yeah, like just all of this stuff. Like I genuinely like I could talk about the work that I've done, like for so long, but it's just genuinely. And also like the work that you put in is the work that you're going to take out. Like I think that I did work really hard on trying to figure out like what is right for me, and I did those workbooks probably twice, just to make sure that I like did, like, did the actual work. But like this speaker thing, like every single day, I just remember that and just be like, wow, like life is shifted for me in order for me to speak. And the fact is, like just putting it like full circle. The fact is, like four years ago, I lost the ability to speak and now that I now my job, and like the thing that drives me is to want to speak and to speak, it just makes me feel like I don't know, like I just it all leads up to this. And I'm just so grateful. Like I genuinely like I I say this to most time, but like I'm just so grateful for this course, but I'm also just grateful for, like this safe space and that you've provided for us because it's not always the case that like facilitators provide safe spaces and like you did it and I'm not gonna cry. So I'm going to start but just genuinely Yeah, I just I like before your course I would have been so nervous to speak on this podcast, especially because I've been listening to it for too long. And I just wasn't nervous because I just felt like I'm ready to tell my story and I'm not even focusing on like, whether I'm mumbling or whether I don't know my words or you know, freaking out about whether people can understand me I'm just speaking my heart and it's hopefully flowing well. Lindy you like you are such a gift you are such I'm just Your words are such a gift. And that makes me so happy. Happy to hear because one of the things with inner compass and one of the things that I really like one of my missions in life is that like all of us have these dreams inside us and for us to not be like breathing life into them whatever that means for you and thinking oh well you know, whatever not thinking like we're just we're denying an integral part to who we are and to hear you breathing life into this dream and have worked through like you know, all those modules about resistance like fear and uncertainty just doing the damn thing makes me so goddamn happy but also so glad than happy for all of us because we get to be touched by you and your words. So say Having said that, Lindy where can people find you and your beautiful voice where um so I have two podcasts that you can find me on Instagram so I have like my stroke personal Instagram, which is my full name Lynda dot Cora. And that's kind of like where I share like my daily like fitness, health, wealth, daily habits, things like that. But I also like if anyone that's listening has food allergies or just allergies, celiac, anything in general, I have an allergy Instagram where I talk about like living life with multiple food allergies and you know, living with allergic conditions but Basically the things I talked about like invisible illness and the things I speak on isn't my personal but you can find me in those but my allergy one is the dot Allah de table. I love it Lindy Thank you so much. It's just been such a joy to be on this inner compass journey with you and I am so grateful for you Thank you. If you are listening live then you can still join us for inner compass summer camp summer camp starts on June 11 and runs until August 27 you not only get inner compass the course but you also get bi weekly calls with me amazing guest mentors like Chrissy King and some other amazing surprises. So love if you are listening live, you can head to the show notes or wholehearted dash coaching comm slash inner compass for more info. I really hope to see you there. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this week's episode, please share it with a friend. comment and rate this podcast until next week. See you later. Love