How to navigate worry | ep97
Today’s Mindset Monday reads:
Worry is a trance that makes you believe the more you do it, the less you’ll have of it.
But worry is infinite, love.
Worry is the thousands of imagined scenarios and possible outcomes that steal your joy, ease and peace.
Worry is a myth.
My husband is learning how to swim.
Well, it’s not that he doesn’t know how to swim. He just doesn’t swim well. So, at the age of 35, he’s learning how to be a better swimmer.
I love to swim, so whenever we go on vacation, I’ll be in the deep end and he’s usually reading a book on the beach or exploring the shallower parts of the water. On a recent vacation, however, he decided to join me in the deep end.
He slowly made his way towards me and suddenly the ocean got much deeper than he expected and my husband started to flail, kick, and force his way afloat.
But the more he did this, the more he started to sink.
Thankfully, he was only a few feet from shallow ground and he found his footing again.
In his swimming lessons, my husband is learning that the less you flail, force, and push… the easier it is to swim. You stay afloat above it all.
And so it is with our lives.
Right now, so many of us are in the midst of so much worry. There is so much going on in the world, in our lives and in our communities. We are overwhelmed with it all. It feels like we are constantly being hit with wave after wave.
The word ‘whelm’ actually means to be submerged.
And boy, if that isn’t an accurate description of these times.
We are submerged.
But the more we push, flail, worry, and force our way through these waves of difficulty, the harder it is to stay afloat.
My husband’s swimming lessons remind me that in difficult moments, we need more moments of pause than of action and thinking.
We need more moments of trust than we need planning and worrying.
We need more moments of presence than we need strategizing and stressing.
Because when we flail and force, we sink and any swimmer knows that the way to stay afloat is by doing less. You trust that the water has got you and you just open your arms and allow yourself to be carried.
So instead of being submerged, you float above it all.
🎉 The doors to my membership, The Alchemy Collective, are now open! If you are ready to become your own healer, your own leader in this journey called life all while being surrounded by the support of the most amazing community, then I hope you will join me: https://www.wholehearted-coaching.com/alchemy
Doors close on January 28th
A quote to take with you:
“Worry is trying to protect us in its own convoluted way, in its own manipulative type of way. Worry is actually worried and it's trying to protect you, but really what it does is it just overwhelms you and exhausts you and it makes you almost sometimes incapacitated.”
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About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
[00:00:00] Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life than you have come to the right place. I'm your host, coach and life alchemists, Shirin Eskandani. And I have worked with thousands of women showing them how to create their dream lives while living their dream life. [00:00:24] This podcast is where mindset, mindfulness and manifestation meet together. We're going to release limiting beliefs. Put your dreams into motion all while prioritizing your ease, rest and joy. Let's do this love. Hi love. Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at @wholeheartedcoaching. [00:00:52] Or if you want to go even deeper into this week's episode and get my free weekly journal prompts, sign up for my email list and you'll be able to explore the topics we're talking about in this episode. Even further, you can do that in the show notes or by heading to my web. Wholehearted-coaching.com. [00:01:13] And if you're interested in working with me, whether that's one on one, in one of my group programs or one of my transformational courses, you can head to my website, wholehearted-coaching.com/offerings to find out more. And of course you can also head to the show notes and all of this information will be waiting for you there. [00:01:34] All right, love. Welcome to this week's episode. So this episode is a special episode for all the worriers out there. You know, those of us who worry when things are difficult, we worry when things are great. We just like to worry, honestly, this episode is for everyone. I know that we all worry. And I know that right now, the state of the world is causing a lot of worry. [00:02:03] I, right now I'm going through my own personal worry. And I'll share some of those throughout this episode, but I wanted to take some time to talk about worry. And this episode is me really telling you that what I talk about on this podcast, I'm practicing it alongside you. I am a worrier. I really find that my first tendency, when things get difficult is to worry. [00:02:31] And so I want you to know that what we're exploring today are themes and topics that I'm exploring. The tools that I'm sharing with you are tools that I use that I have found helped me so much. This is all a practice. You know, I always say practice makes practice. Practices not make perfect, especially when it comes to topics around our growth and healing and wellness. [00:02:54] So today's episode is about how we can change our relationship with worry, why we worry and why, where he shows up in our lives, what it's actually trying to do. Before we get into the episode. I want to remind you that if you are listening, live the door is to my 12 month membership. The alchemy collective are open until January 28th. [00:03:20] The door is open seasonally to my membership and alchemy collective is all about showing you how to become your own leader and healer, how to reclaim your agency in yourself. Growth journey. Every month, we go deep into a topic that is in service of your growth and healing topics like worth and fear and self love and dreaming and boundaries. [00:03:47] And as part of the collective, you get three group coaching calls a month, a private monthly podcast, private journal prompts. You get these incredible somatic practices like breath, work, meditation tapping because healing is 360, right. We don't just heal through thinking things through, but really allowing our bodies to let go of. [00:04:10] You also get access to inner compass, the course for free and so much more. If you want to find out about the collective head to wholehearted-coaching.com/alchemy, or you can also go to the show notes. If you want to get a sneak peek at what we do in the collective check out last week's episode on worth, that was a sneak peek into what our private podcast. [00:04:39] In the collective looks like the topics we explore are deep they're transformative and they change lives. So if you want to spend the next year with me and an incredible community, becoming the most true version of yourself, becoming that version of yourself, who prioritizes their dreams, their desires, and who really prioritizes themselves, then check out the alchemy collective. [00:05:05] That's where you're going to find more, support, more guidance, and more accountability on your self growth journey. Again, doors close on January 28th. If you're listening live, you have one more week to join us. You can find info in the show notes or head to wholehearted-coaching.com/alchemy. All right, let's get into this week's mindset Monday. [00:05:30] It reads. Worry is a trance that makes you believe the more you do it, the less you'll have of it. But worry is infinite. Love worry is the thousands of imagined scenarios and possible outcomes that steal your joy, ease and peace. Worry is just a myth. So I have a very complicated relationship with worry. [00:05:58] I worry a lot. And a lot of the reason why I turned to mindfulness and mindset was because of this. No, it's exactly why I turned to it. My mind left to its own accord is just steeped in worry, and it can just go off and imagine so many scenarios and outcomes and possibilities, and it can exhaust and overwhelm me. [00:06:25] And right now, I'm not going to go into the details of it, but I have something that I've been planning for quite some time. It's supposed to happen this summer. And I'm unsure if it's going to happen because of the state of the world, because of the whole penny of it all. And I'm worrying all the time about this event all the time, whether it's going to happen, whether I should be looking into something, whether I should be doing something around. [00:06:54] And I have been steeped in so much worry. And I know that a lot of us have been steeped in a lot of worry, whether it's because of what's happening in the world, whether it's because of what's happening in your family and your community, or just whether it's something so closely personal to you, we all go through states of overwhelming worry. [00:07:19] And I wanted to take some time right now to really talk about where. So I want to share a story with you. And it's one about my husband and I asked him if I can share this story, but for me, it's actually really made me think so, so much about worry. So my husband is learning how to swim. He, he knows how to swim, but he's not a great swimmer. [00:07:40] Like he knows this. He's not a great swimmer. And one of his intentions for the new year is to become a better swimmer. I love to swim and whenever we go on vacation, I'm like a dolphin. I'm just. In the water spouting up water, just frolicking around. And my husband, he's totally chill. He's usually reading a book or he's exploring the more shallow parts of the water. [00:08:02] And on one of our trips, I was out kind of in a deeper area of the water, but my husband's got a few more inches on me. So he thought he would come and join me thinking that he would be fine. He could reach the bottom of the ocean. And as he was walking towards me, all of a sudden as an ocean, does this happen? [00:08:21] The water got far more deep than he thought. And he panicked, you know, that's what happens. We panic, we get worried. And he started to flail his arms and push and force and, and the more and more he did that, he started to sink, right. He was flailing, literally water into his eyes and into his mouth and into his nose. [00:08:43] And he was flailing and filling and filling in all of a sudden, thankfully he was only a few feet away from shallow. This incident and watching my husband learn about swimming makes me think so much about worry and life. Any swimmer knows that if you want to actually float, if you want to have an ease full time swimming, the less you force, the less you push, the less you flail, the easier it is. [00:09:17] And so it is with our lives right now. The waters are really turbulent. It's like wave after wave of things. And the more we flail, the more we push and force, it almost seems like we are submerging in these waters. I feel like I'm submitting. You know, the word overwhelm whelm actually means to be submerged. [00:09:51] We are overwhelmed. We are drowning in our worries. So right now I've been thinking so much about how can I create a sense of ease? How can I float on this wave? That life is presenting me. And I think that's, what's really coming up. The more, I worry, actually it feels like I am drowning. Right. I'm thinking of all of these unimagined scenarios. [00:10:20] I'm thinking of all of these possible outcomes, but I don't know what's going to happen six months from now for this event. I just don't know. So I want to share with you what I am doing to navigate my worry, but first I want to talk about worry. Worry is like a trance and it's a really sneaky, sneaky trans because it makes us think that it's protecting us. [00:10:48] Right. Worry makes us think that the more we worry, the more we'll be on top of it, the more we'll know what we're doing, the more we will figure it out. But if you have ever worried, which we all have. We know that worry doesn't make us more on top of things. It doesn't make us feel more ready. It just makes us feel stressed and overwhelmed and exhausted, but it's tricky, right? [00:11:14] Because it really makes us think that it's protecting us. It's helping us. And that's why I always say, oh, this is a trance. Worry is a trance. One of the phrases I say to clients often. With worry. Is, is the worry making you work harder or is the worry making the work harder? Meaning is worry actually making you better at solving this problem? [00:11:46] Or is it actually getting in the way of it? And honestly, most of the time it is getting in the way of it all. You know, when I am trying to figure something out, whether it is something creative, whether it's something professional or personal. When I am in a state of worry, it's like running a marathon through mud with like weights attached. [00:12:08] To me, it is difficult. It is tough. And some of the things, some of the challenges that we are facing right now, some of the questions that we need to answer right now, they are really tough and difficult and challenging and love. Let me tell you, the worry is not helping us. It is just hindering us. Worry is the thief of creativity. [00:12:37] Worry is the thief of connection. Worry is the thief of joy. It is the thief of presence and calm worry is a thief that is what it is, you know, but the truth is, is that worry, doesn't want to be such a Dick. I'm telling you like a doesn't worry is trying to protect us in its own convoluted way. And its own manipulative type of way. [00:13:04] Worry is actually worried. It is so worried and it's trying to protect you, but really what it does is it just overwhelms you and exhaust you and it makes you almost sometimes incapacitated. Like you're like, I can't, I can't even deal with this. I'm not even going to deal with it. I'm just going to go lay on the couch and watch Netflix forever, which is also cool too. [00:13:26] Okay. There's lots of great programming on Netflix, but. At a certain point, we have to be able to face our worry, not give into it, not become submerged by it, not run from it, but be able to float, float among all of it. For me, something that has really helped is having some compassion for my. I'm going to talk about some steps we can take to face our worry, but for me, and maybe for you, my relationship with worry began when I was really young. [00:14:05] So I've said this on the podcast many times, but my family immigrated to Canada from Iran when I was quite young and we immigrated from Iran because there was a war happening. We immigrated quite quickly and we immigrated to a country in which we didn't know a lot of people. And I think for me, that's when worry became almost a default. [00:14:28] I don't want to say worry became my mother tongue, because I've said this before, but I believe joy is our mother tongue, but worry, almost becomes this learned language and we become so fluent in it that we forget what our true language, our true mother tongue is so worried. As a young girl was this protective mechanism. [00:14:53] And this has really helped me so much when I navigate this journey with my worry of really understanding it's coming from this really young place from this place of being scared from this place of not understanding from this place of not knowing from the place of, of just trying to make sense of it all and trying to make sure that I never feel the pain that I felt when we immigrated. [00:15:18] When we left my family. So it's not that you need to know exactly where your worry comes from, but if you can see if you can find a worry story, where did my worry start? Where did I learn that worry is the language that I need to know? Where did that come from? That can really help, but we can still have compassion for things that we don't fully understand. [00:15:45] But this for me has been so helpful. And so key in navigating when my worry shows up, my worry shows up, I think, oh, okay. This is that young scared girl. Let me hold space for her. Let me be kind to her. I can understand why she's worried. So this is what I've been doing lately. When it comes to my worry, this is what allows me to feel a flow. [00:16:15] You know, if being overwhelmed means being submerged, what is the life preservers that we can use in those moments? One become clear, become aware of when you are in those states of absolute worry. You know, sometimes we don't realize sometimes we don't realize that we are in that trance of word. So I see this often in the podcast, but become aware of the symptoms of when you're in that trance of worried for me, it's overthinking, it's getting distracted, it's becoming fixated on certain topics and subjects that I know I can't fix in the moment. [00:16:55] So becoming aware of when you're in that trance and when you're in the trans name, it say, oh, okay. I'm in the trance of work. And then what I've started to do is to ask myself a question that I saw on Instagram. And I love this. Someone shared what their therapist had said to them in a session the therapist said to them, do you have enough information to actually figure this out right now? [00:17:25] And I love that question, right? Because it's like, okay, well, do I actually have enough information to right now, figure this out to solve this. And if the answer is, yes, I have some information then what are the steps that I can take to address this issue? Right. So we can take some action there, but if the answer is no, I don't have enough information to actually figure this out. [00:17:53] Then I go to the deeper work, the internal work, right. The first question, which is, do I have enough information to actually figure this out? This is a practical way to deal with worry. Now let's get into the spiritual ways, the emotional ways of navigating our worry. So when I realized actually, no, I don't have enough information. [00:18:15] So this event in the summer, I don't have enough information and I probably won't for another five or six months. I won't. So in those moments, I really connect with my worry in a compassionate and loving way. And I start to ask a questions. I ask the worry, what are you afraid of? And I know sometimes they'll say, well, I'm really afraid these things are going to happen and I really want it to happen. [00:18:41] And it has to happen like this. They don't know about what are you really afraid of? What? And keep on asking the, what are you really afraid of until you get to the core of it all. Asking the worry, what are you protecting me from? What kind of pain are you protecting me from? And then asking the worry, what do you desire most deeply? [00:19:04] What do you need? And crave. And sometimes the answers will be really clear. Sometimes they won't, but more often than not, our worry just wants to be seen and heard. Our worry just wants to have some space to express itself. You know, when you're in that state of worry and it's just like chatter, there's chatter in your head. [00:19:25] It's like, your mind is just full of thoughts. That's worry, trying to get your attention, but it's getting it in all the wrong ways. Right. And what it really means. Space and time to be heard and seen. Right. Kind of like I use this analogy often with, with kids, right? When kids are demanding something, right. [00:19:48] If we ignore them or if we get angry at them, they become louder or they become more reactive. But if we get down to their level and actually really speak to them in a really respectful and compassionate and kind and understanding way, we can gain so much more wisdom and they become. Calm. And so it is with our reactive parts, like worry, really getting down to its level and really telling it that it is seen that you understand it and that you can hold space and compassion for it and letting it know that once you do have more information, you'll figure it out doing this right now, using these tools with the scenario that I've been talking about. [00:20:35] I really have come to find that when I asked the questions and when I sit with the worry underneath, it all is just a lot of sadness, a lot of sadness that we are in the situation we're in. And even though I don't have, of course all the information, but that certain things may be a possibility in this circumstance. [00:20:55] Sorry. I have to be so vague about it, but, uh, I promise that, uh, once this event happened, This is what I'm really manifesting. I'll let you know, I'll let you know what it was, but for me, I can really understand that the worry is trying to distract me from the sadness. And so I'm sitting with the sadness more and I'm telling myself that once I have more information, I will figure it out. [00:21:22] Now, listen, does this answer the question of what's going to happen? No, but it lets us flow. It lets us glide on the water because life is constantly going to have waves constantly. And if we keep pushing against them, if we keep flailing and forcing, we are just going to drown in those waters. Like my husband, who was literally right when he was flailing, he was flailing water into his own. [00:21:52] He was making himself drown. Okay. It wasn't the see, and that's what it's like with our worry. We're just flailing water, salt water into our own mouths. And I get it. I do the same thing, but love. This is about floating and boy. Oh boy. Do we need to float right now, boy? Oh boy. Do we need our life preservers? [00:22:15] So these are some things you can practice and other life preservers can be more simple things, right? If you don't have the time to go deep, when you catch yourself in the trance of vori, taking a breath, when you catch yourself in the trance of worry, going for a walk, taking a nap, calling that friend who you know is not going to give into your worry, but it's going to hold space for your worry. [00:22:38] Find your life preservers love when you cannot float. My husband loves a good noodle. Find your noodle. Okay. So love, I got it. I am worried. You were worried. We have every right to be worried, but we can have a new relationship with our worry so that it doesn't steal our joy, our presence, our ease, but instead we can hold space for it. [00:23:09] Gather some wisdom for it. Have some compassion. And then when the time is right, find the answer, create the solution. So as we end this podcast, I want you to think of one thing that's really resonating with you from this episode. And we're going to take a deep breath in and out. And I want you to just reflect on that one thing. [00:23:35] So taking a deep breath in and out, [00:23:42] and a reminder that the door is closed to the alchemy collective on January 28th. So if you're listening live, you have a few more days to join us. If you want to spend the next year with me and incredible community. In service of your growth, your healing and service of your dreams. Love, I hope you will check out the alchemy collective. [00:24:04] If you are a fan of the podcast, I know you will love the collective. It's really about going deep into a lot of the topics we talk about here on the podcast, and you have more support, guidance and accountability. So the information is in the show notes, or you can head to wholehearted-coaching.com/alchemy. [00:24:26] Again, you have until January 28th to join us. Until next week. Love I'll talk to you then. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend subscribe or follow where you love listening most. And if you haven't yet leave a review, you can do this on apple podcasts, task box, pod, chaser, or podcast addict until next week. [00:24:55] Love.