Worth and Worthiness | ep96
Today’s Mindset Monday reads:
Anytime you measure your worth based on their expectations and standards you will always fall short.
If you’re trying to find your worth through your societal systems, families and communities, you will always betray yourself.
You will continue to grasp, strive and attain, reaching for a measuring stick that was never yours to begin with.
You are worthy, love. You have always been. It’s time to reclaim your worth.
“No matter how hard I worked or tried, it wasn’t enough. I still felt invisible.”
She said this in our first session. She was a first generation immigrant and the first in her family to go to college. She had been accepted into a prestigious college as an art history major. This was her dream come true.
However, when she arrived, she realized things were not as dreamy as she imagined they would be. She was one of a handful of BIPOC students in her department and a lot of her values weren’t reflected in the classes she took.
But she tried and tried. She tried to fit in. She tried to wrap her head around the courses and the classes. I mean, this was a prestigious school and program. Who was she to question how things should be done? Who was she to say anything?
But one day she did.
She presented a paper about a piece of Latin American art from her home country. She talked about the details, the importance, and the beauty of this piece. She spoke with pride, conviction and so much wisdom about this more than 200 year old masterpiece.
To her, this was a perfect piece of art.
However, everyone else in class focused on “the classics”- pieces of art by European and North American artists. And my client, well, the teacher questioned why she would present a paper on something so unrefined.
And so it is with our worth.
We are beautiful pieces of art- worthy, perfect and whole just as we are.
But for so many of us, we are being presented in the wrong gallery.
A gallery that does not value or inherent worthiness. The truth is, you are worthy. And you always have been.
Love, anytime we base our worth based on their expectations and standards, we will always fall short. If we’re trying to find out worth through our societal systems, families and communities, we will always betray ourselves. We will continue to grasp and strive and attain.
You are not lacking in anything.
You are wholly worthy just as you are.
A perfect piece of art.
🎉 Today, I am proud to announce that the doors to my membership, The Alchemy Collective, are now open! If you are ready to become your own healer, your own leader in this journey called life, then I hope you will join me: https://www.wholehearted-coaching.com/alchemy
A quote to take with you:
“We are all living our day to day making up for something we believe that we are missing. But if what if we’re not missing anything? What if we actually believe that we are whole just the way that we are?”
Did you know that each episode comes with free guided journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
[00:00:00] Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life than you have come to the right place. I'm your host, coach and life alchemists, Shirin Eskandani. And I have. Thousands of women showing them how to create their dream lives while living their dream lives. [00:00:24] This podcast is where mindset, mindfulness and manifestation meet together. We're going to release limiting beliefs. Put your dreams into motion all while prioritizing your ease, rest and joy. Let's do this love. Hi love. Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at whole hearted code. [00:00:52] Or if you want to go even deeper into this week's episode and get my free weekly journal prompts, sign up for my email list and you'll be able to explore the topics we're talking about in this episode. Even further, you can do that in the show notes or by heading to my web. Wholehearted-coaching.com. [00:01:13] And if you're interested in working with me, whether that's one-on-one in one of my group programs or one of my transformational courses, you can head to my website, wholehearted-coaching.com/offerings to find out more. And of course you can also head to the show notes and all of this information will be waiting for you there. [00:01:34] All right, love. Welcome to this week's episode. So today's topic on the podcast is one that I think is so incredibly important. We're talking all about worth and worthiness. And in the wellness world, we hear often phrases like you are inherently worthy, that we are worthy regardless of what we are doing, what we are striving for, that we are just in perfectly worthy just as we are. [00:02:02] And while this sounds great. I know it's something that a lot of us have difficulty wrapping our minds and our hearts around. It's something that I certainly have problems with too, right. For me worth is such a difficult topic to talk about because my worth is tied to doing things my worth is tied to achieving my worth is tied to being the perfect person. [00:02:26] And so this episode today, I'm going to be sharing with you a story and analogy that I think is going to completely change. How you look at this idea of worth. For me, it's something that I reflect on daily and it's totally changed how I think of my worthiness. Now that doesn't mean I still don't struggle with it at times, but I have a feeling that once you listen to this episode, this analogy, things are going to completely shift for you when it comes to your worth and your understanding of what that means and what that looks. [00:03:00] And why you may sometimes feel like you are not worthy and how to find your grounding again, when you may question your worth today's episode is a really special one, because we are talking about such an important topic. 'cause I really do feel like worse is one of the foundation pieces, the pillars of self growth and self healing. [00:03:21] Right? If you can understand that you are worthy and really embrace that, then your healing and growth completely changes that journey for you completely changes. And it is such an important topic that it was the very first theme that we explored in my 12 month. The alchemy collective. I knew as a coach doing this work that we had to start at this place of worth, because it's something that you don't just get overnight, but you have to work through. [00:03:54] So today's episode is not just special because we are talking about worth. But if you are listening, live the doors to the alchemy. Collective are opening today. They're open today until January 20. The alchemy collective is a 12 month membership with me in which you learn how to become your own healer and leader, which means that every month you are given tools and rituals and practices and ideas that allow you to become the own sovereign in your growth journey. [00:04:30] As part of the collective, you get three group coaching calls a month, you get a private podcast, you get monthly. So MADEC exercises like meditation and tapping videos. You get inner compass, the course for free. And there are a ton of other amazing things like virtual retreats, every Equinox and solstice, and a community of people that are going to completely uplift you and inspire. [00:04:56] As we do this work, the alchemy collective is the space for the person who is ready to go deeper into their healing journey and wants more support and more guidance. Listen, there is such great information out there in the world around how to become the most true version of yourself, the most full version of yourself. [00:05:16] I also know that it can be incredibly overwhelming. And so my mission in the alchemy collective is month by month to lead you through a curriculum through topics that allow you to fully understand what your healing and growth journey looks like. Now, I open the doors to the collective only three times a year. [00:05:38] And it is open right now. So if you want to find out more about the collective, you can head to whole hearted at-coaching.com/alchemy, or you can also go to the show notes. So today's episode is actually a sneak peek into the alchemy collective. What I'm going to be talking about in this episode comes from the private podcast in the alchemy collective. [00:06:06] Now, I know you probably get a lot from this podcast. I really, really put so much of my heart into these episodes, but I really want you to consider if you have been enjoying the podcast and want to spend some more time in community. Digging through these themes, going deeper into all of it and having my guidance and support and an incredible community of like-hearted. [00:06:31] And like-minded people that I really hope you will consider the alchemy collective. Also at the end of this episode. I have interviewed one of the alchemists from the group. So you can hear firsthand what it is like to be part of the collective to be part of the community. All right. So let's dig into this week's mindset Monday, which is totally and absolutely inspired by the alchemy collective. [00:07:00] It reads any time you measure your worth based on their expectations and standards, you will always fall short. If you're trying to find your worth through your societal systems, families and communities, you will always betray yourself. You will continue to grasp strive and attain reaching for a measuring stick. [00:07:23] That was never yours to begin with. You are worthy love. You have always been it's time to reclaim your work. So I want to share the story with you. That completely shifted how I look at worth and how I define worth. And it's also the inspiration for the first month in the alchemy collective. I had a session with a new client and she was incredible, like all my clients, but more specifically, she was a first generation immigrant. [00:07:54] Her family had moved to the U S from Latin America. And she was the very, very first in her family to go to college. She had gotten accepted into the college of her dreams. And she had gotten into a program that she had always wanted to be in. It was an art history or art studies or something about arts, but she had just finished her program, gotten her bachelor's and she was exhausted. [00:08:21] She was completely burnt out. And I could tell that this program had been quite unhealthy for her quite toxic, whatever she had experienced. So she came to me trying to figure out what her next steps should be. Right. She had done all the things she thought she was supposed to do. She got into this college on scholarship, did the program, but she was completely burnt out. [00:08:43] So I wanted to hear the story of what had happened and the more she told me about her college, the more it became very, very clear to me that it was quite a toxic environment for. She was one of a handful of BiPAP students in her major and the school in general, wasn't very diverse. And in her major, it seemed like it was quite an old fashioned way of looking at art. [00:09:12] Looking at art through a very colonial lens, through a very European north American lens of this type of art is a value because it is European. It is north American and this type of art. Well, it's just not as valuable. And this to her was really jarring. She came from Latin America. She had absolute pride in the beauty of the art that came from where she was. [00:09:37] But she tried to fit in. She tried so hard to fit in. She did everything. And it just always felt like she fell short and the more she tried, the more that she felt that she was invisible, but that she also kept betraying herself. So it was like a no win situation. She wasn't being accepted by her community at her school. [00:10:00] And also she was not feeling so great about herself because she kept compromising on what she felt was important. And. But of course, this was a really prestigious college and a really great program that she was in. And so she felt like she couldn't say anything, that there was something probably inherently wrong with her. [00:10:19] The fact that she couldn't fit in the fact that you couldn't be accepted the fact that she had to keep trying so, so hard. And then one day she decided effet. I am going to do what I want to do. And she presented a paper on a piece of Latin American art from her home country. And she talked about this piece of art, the details, the importance of it, the beauty of it. [00:10:44] I mean, she spoke about it with so much pride and conviction and knowledge and wisdom. Like she knew what she was talking about. And this piece of art was I think 200 or 300 years old. And she was really excited to present it to the class. And she presented it. And then everyone who followed, they presented their pieces of art. [00:11:04] What they studied, what they worked on, and everyone had presented on, you know, the quote unquote classics, pieces of art by European or north American artists. And while those people were praised, her teacher questioned why she would present a paper on something. So unrefined something. So unsophisticated. [00:11:28] When she told me the story, it made me think of our worth, how we are all beautiful pieces of art. We are worthy and perfect and whole just as we are. But for so many of us were being presented in the wrong gallery in the wrong museum, a gallery, a museum that does not value our inherent worthiness does not see. [00:11:58] I mean, that is essentially what going to a museum or gallery is it's curated. It's curated based on what someone thinks is a valuable and worthy. What someone thinks is expensive, what someone thinks is perfect, what someone thinks is beauty. And we are all these perfect pieces of art in these galleries and these museums and these communities in. [00:12:24] Places, which do not value who we are and how we are this metaphor to me, this analogy to me really shook me to my core. It really made me think that, oh, it's not me. That's at fault. It's how I grew up. It's where I grew up. It's what I heard. It's what I saw. This is why I questioned my worth. This is why I questioned my inherent worthiness. [00:12:54] The truth is we are all worthy. We are all inherently worthy just as we are, but we're just using this measuring stick. That's not meant to be ours standards and expectations that you know what I do not want to hold onto any longer. So in the alchemy collective. We broke this down, this idea of worth. And I want to present to you the private podcast episode that I did for the alchemy collective in which we go deeper into this idea of worth together. [00:13:27] And as part of the collective, right? We not only have the private podcast, but we have the three calls together with three live calls in which we can unpack all of this because this is heavy, heavy stuff. Right? So here is what the alchemy collective. I believe that we are all worthy. We are inherently worthy. [00:13:47] We all born worthy, worthy of love, acceptance, and belonging. We are worthy in and of itself and worthy of all good things. But I also believe that we all carry a worthiness wound, a wound that makes us believe that we are not worthy, that we must do things and prove our worth. It's a wound that makes you constantly feel like you are defective. [00:14:11] That you are lacking, that you are undeserving. It makes you feel like you need to claim your worth, but you need to work towards it that you need to constantly be doing things to be worthy. Just take a moment and see if what I am saying resonates with you, this feeling of a wound, a worthiness wound, maybe you can locate it. [00:14:32] Maybe you feel it in your heart. Your belly are maybe it's just an overarching feeling, a constant. Maybe it's just a persistent thought, a thought that makes you question yourself. So when you think of this worthiness wound tune into what it feels like, what it believes, what it makes you think. I like to use the word worthiness wound because it implies that it's not inherent in who you are. [00:15:06] It's something that can be healed. It's a wound. It was inflicted on you. You are born with it. Love you were born knowing your worth and never questioning your worth. So let's talk about this wound who are, what creates the wounds. The wound occurs when we find ourselves in spaces where we feel as if our inherent being is an accepted, seen our valued, right? [00:15:32] Inherent being, just being who you are, who you are without saying, doing proving. None of that, just who you are, that who you are just as we are, isn't of value in that space or community. So some ways in which this happens to us is our parents not having our parents be able to meet our needs, like what we needed when we were younger. [00:15:55] Another way this wound is inflicted on us is through systemic oppression, white supremacy, patriarchy. Finding yourself in a space in which you are marginalized in which how you look and how you act and what you believe is made to be not of value, not as good intergenerational trauma that also creates this worthiness wound, right? [00:16:19] Those lingering feelings and history that has passed down to us and our own trauma, right. That trauma we experienced, which makes us hold onto stories of who we are, which makes us question our work. So in order to heal our wound, you don't have to know exactly where your wound was developed or it comes from you can dig into it. [00:16:40] And as I'm saying this, you may be thinking of memories and places and things that happen to you. But I want you to know it's not necessary in order to heal your wound. But what is necessary is understanding that this feeling, this wound is not inherent to who you are. You were made to feel this way, perhaps not consciously, right? [00:17:00] If it's your parents in many times, it's unconscious, but you were made to feel this way, like a wound that was inflicted upon you by people, circumstances, and systems that were out of your control. For me. I know a lot of my worthiness wound comes from being an immigrant kid in a white community, a child who grew up in a time of war. [00:17:22] A child growing up in a family that had PTSD and could not give me that emotional support that I needed. So as children, we can't understand why we feel this way, why things are happening the way they're happening. We can't see the real reasons that perhaps our families don't have the tools, resources, or emotional capacity to attend to us that our societal structures make some feel, have more value than others. [00:17:49] And so as children, we try and make sense of the story any way that we can. And so often our making sense includes us, ourselves being the reason why that we are lacking. We are deficient in some way. And so in order to fit in to feel loved, to feel valued, to not feel this wound aching, we create all these coping mechanisms to feel that we are worthy. [00:18:15] We people please, we become perfectionists. We become overachievers. And sometimes it's so overwhelming that we go the other way and we procrastinate. We delay, we deflect, we shut down. We become our own worst enemies. And slowly over time, these tendencies start to take over. They start to become your set point. [00:18:36] They start to become your identity. And this I think is where things get kind of really sad, right? That we become so identified with our proving our doing our achieving that that is who we become. That that is who you think you are and how your worth is derived. But love you are not a perfectionist, a people pleaser, or an overachiever or whatever your tendency is. [00:19:01] These are all placeholders for your work. The truth is we're all operating with some placeholder that is making up for our perceived lack of worth. We are living our day-to-day making up for something. We believe that we're missing. And as I'm saying, miss, maybe you can reflect on how you try to fill up this wound for yourself. [00:19:25] What are the things that you do? Some are deemed positive, quote unquote, in our society, right? You overachieve and some may be quote, unquote, negative where you deflect or you run away, or you become your own worst enemy by saying unkind things to yourself. But love we're not missing anything what's happening is that we are basing our worth and our value on someone else's measuring. [00:19:50] Stick on what someone else is saying is of value of. Based on someone else's ability to love or take care of us. Based on the past, anytime we base our worth based on their expectations and standards, or always going to fall short, we're always going to betray ourselves and we'll just continue to grasp and strive and attain. [00:20:13] And it is exhausting. It is overwhelming. And at some point we have to stop. We have to create our own definition of. Of what being worthy means and really tending to that wound and healing it. We are all living our day to day making up for something we believe that we are missing, but what if we're not missing anything? [00:20:41] What if we actually believe that we are whole just as we are. What if we were motivated to do the things in our lives, not because we thought we had to, to make up for something or prove anything, but because we truly wanted to what would change then? I think everything would so love. If you want to go deeper into this and do this work with me. [00:21:09] To really reclaim your worth, reclaim who you are and expand into the truest, most full version of yourself, the version of yourself. That isn't based on what they think, what you're supposed to do or what you should do. I hope you will join me in the alchemy collective. The doors closed on January 28th. [00:21:29] You can find out more in the show notes or head to wholehearted-coaching.com/. Alchemy. Remember this topic? What we talked about today, this is the work. This is actually an episode, a private podcast episode from the alchemy collective. So if you're like, whoa, this episode was next level. Yeah. That's the work we do in the alchemy collective. [00:21:56] And you normally get episodes, but you get journal prompts. You get me, you get live calls, you get retreats. It's an amazing space. I hope you'll check it out and stay tuned to hear live from one of the alchemists, how this program has completely changed her life. [00:22:17] I am so incredibly excited to be talking to Brandon. Brandon is an incredible member of the alchemy collective. She is in our online community commenting and encouraging and supporting everyone. However, I've actually never met bread and because due to her schedule and her. She hasn't been able to make it to our live calls, but she has made this program work for her. [00:22:43] And I knew that I wanted to connect with her. So Brynne, thank you so much. First of all, for talking with me and being part of the collective. Thank you. Thank you for having. So tell me a little bit about yourself. I am from Oregon. I live in Salem, Oregon. I'm a teacher. I'm a single mom. I'm an avid reader. [00:23:06] Yeah, love it. So, Brandon, what was it about the alchemy collective that really spoke to you? Why did you want to join? So I had taken that your Manis manifest them. And I got so much out of it. It was really life-changing and it took me, you know, several weeks to get through that. And I was just looking for something to go further and deeper. [00:23:32] I've been through a lot of change recently as a lot of us through COVID some relationship change and what. And I was just looking to dig in deeper with myself. And when I saw you inviting everyone to the alchemy collective, I, you know, I went back and forth on it. I wasn't sure I was a little nervous about it, but something just told me that I really needed to. [00:23:57] And honestly, a lot of it is you and your energy and everything that you share for free. And I just knew that being part of this was going to be amazing. Something deep down just told me that. And that's what I'm trying. To do is listen to that. Yeah. It just seemed like a great way to expand and dig deeper into. [00:24:15] I love that. So what were you use? Kind of use the words to go deeper and I was looking for something and sometimes we can't name what we're looking for, but what do you think, like before the collective or before manifest them? What were those things when it came to your growth and your healing and just you being you and taking up more space, what were those things that you were kind of grappling with and thinking about and wanting to really focus on. [00:24:40] Yeah, I have a hard time trusting myself and it's something that I was able to work through on my own and figure out that this was important, but I wasn't quite sure what the next steps were for me. I felt stuck. I know that there's more growth that I can do in trusting myself and having a more joyful life, but I didn't know what else to do. [00:25:03] I would journal on my own. I would meditate on my own. I would go to therapy, which I highly recommend, but there was something that was missing that I needed support with. I needed someone to support me. And now that I see like this monthly work with a focus is really helpful, but there was just a piece missing there and I was doing all the things, but something wasn't getting me to that next step. [00:25:27] So in the algebra collective, what has your experience been like so far for you? It's been amazing, like you said, I haven't been able to make any of the live meetings. So I was worried about that, but honestly, I am sad that I can't be there because all of the women are amazing and it's so great to fill that energy. [00:25:47] And that's part of it. The calls are recorded. And when I rewatched them, I can feel that energy coming through it's structured in a way that you can watch and get a lot out of it from, you know, any time. And then the modules itself are just amazing. I mean, there's a podcast episode, there's meditations, there's tapping there's journal prompts. [00:26:10] So all of that in and of itself is really, really helpful. And I was just thinking the other day, how amazing it is that we get all of that every month and it's new content every month. And then on top of that, the online community forget the name, but in that online community, Mighty networks. Yes. There are people on there sharing their story and the prompts are really helpful to get me thinking and then seeing how other people are responding. [00:26:39] That's another piece of community that I felt, even though I haven't been able to get on the calls. I love that, you know, for a lot of people and I get it, scheduling can be such a tough thing, but you've really made it work for you. And you've released. Integrated, it seems into your schedule. You're like, well, I can't make the live call. [00:26:56] So I'm going to watch the recording. And then you're in our online community, which as you said, like we create everything very intentionally. So the prompts happen every other day. So even if you are, you forget what the theme of the month is, those prompts are gonna remind you what they are. And you can dig deeper Brynn. [00:27:15] What have you found has shifted or changed? What have you learned? What are some of the takeaways? Because we've only been doing it a couple of months now. And like, I feel like some of your comments I'm like, wow, like Bryn is, there's some things that are really resonating with you. So what have those, what are those shifts and changes and lessons been for you? [00:27:33] I am just amazed at what you've been able to provide for us. And there are some really small tweaks in the way that I think that have been as a result of doing the work, even just the fear month where we talked about. Asking fear what's going on with it, and then making a determination on whether it's something to truly be afraid of or something. [00:27:58] That's just telling us a message of some sort. And then we get to decide what to do with that. There's just these small tweaks and thinking that have been really, really beneficial for me. And like I said before, it just felt like it was right there, but I was out of grasp. And so having these different ways of thinking. [00:28:18] And working through that through writing and meditation and tapping and having these focuses each month has allowed me to really go deeper in a way that I wouldn't like I might focus before on fear for a week because I saw something on Instagram. That was really interesting. And so let's journal about that one day, but being able to constantly think about this the entire. [00:28:39] And then shift slowly and intentionally, I think is the biggest piece. And you've structured it in a way that goes from, it seems to flow really logically. So we start with being we're worthy and then we go into, you know, and, and so that has really helped to just building upon each other, that Brandon, what would you say is your favorite part or favorite parts of the alchemy collective the program? [00:29:04] I think just getting your, all of your wise knowledge and your energy and the fact that you bring together these amazing humans and that I get to see other women going through very similar things that I am and different humans going through this life process. And just seeing that I'm not the only one I'm not alone, but that I can do it and that we can all live a more joyful. [00:29:31] I love that and brand. Finally, what would you say to anyone who is thinking of joining and is unsure? What would you say to them? I would say to do it it's worth, like it's just worth all of your time, money, energy, anything that you feel like might be a sacrifice it's so worth it, like sure. Inside we've been doing this only a couple of months and I feel way more confident, happy, joyful. [00:29:57] I just say, go for it. Like, you know, inside that it's the right thing and just do it. Thank you. Thank you. So, so much Brynne. I am waiting for summer holidays so we can actually be on a live call together. Yes, me too. You are just such an incredible part of the community. And truly, like you said, this a couple of times, people I get to work with are truly some of the most exceptional and amazing, and you are. [00:30:23] One of those people. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being part of the collective. Thank you for being such an amazing part of our online community. And as I said, cannot wait for summer break. You know, teachers' schedules are not that flexible at all. So, um, I'm just so looking forward to being in community with you virtually and thank you again for this brand. [00:30:44] Thank you. I appreciate. Thank you. [00:30:50] I hope you enjoyed that interview with bran. She is amazing. And in the alchemy collective, you will find so many incredible people. In fact, the community is what people keep saying is the best part of the collective. It's an incredible space with just some of the best people you're ever going to meet. [00:31:08] And let me tell you on this growth and healing journey, you need an incredible community to help support and inspire you. So we're ending the podcast with a couple of deep breaths in and out. So let's breathe in and out, breathing in and out and a final, deep breath in and out. [00:31:41] I hope you have such an incredible day long. Until next week. I'll talk to you then. Thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend subscribe or follow where you love listening most. And if you haven't yet leave a review, you can do this on apple podcasts. [00:32:02] Castbox pod chaser, or podcast addict until next week. Love.