The stories we tell ourselves (and how to let them go) | ep 123
What’s your story, love? You know, the one playing on repeat in your mind about who you are and what you can (or can’t) do.
We all carry stories about ourselves. Limiting beliefs we hold onto that, after so much time, have become our truths. Today’s topic is really important because so often when we embark on our journey of self growth, we realize we’re still holding onto some old stories and narratives about who we are.
This realization can be really disheartening because we can hold a lot of judgment and shame about these stories we believe like…
Why do I still think I’m not worthy?
Why do I still think I am not enough?
So, today, we are going to understand why we hold on to these beliefs and thoughts that are really disempowering and unsupportive. At the end, I hope you have a deeper understanding of yourself, of your story, and of how to let go of that story.
Where do our stories come from
Instead of the word story, I actually like to use the word myth. The dictionary defines myth as “a commonly believed but false idea.”
And your myth is the story of who you are that has defined you up until now. It’s the story that shows up when life gets hard, when you face disappointment.
Your myth says…
I am not lovable.
I am not worthy.
I am not enough.
Every community, culture, and even family has their own myths and legends that are part of their identity. These stories explain why things are the way that they are, why we do the things that we do. They explain why we believe the things that we believe. But when we really look at a myth, there's not a lot of truth in them.
Oftentimes a myth originates out of a very real moment. But as they get passed down from generation to generation, it becomes like a game of telephone — facts get changed and distorted, things become exaggerated or glossed over. So in the end, we're repeating a story that really isn't truth anymore.
But, we like them.
We like myths because they're familiar and they help us explain why life is the way that it is.
And we have been repeating our myths for so long that we don't even bother to question them.
Some of our myths were given to us by our society, by our families, and even by white supremacy or diet culture. Other myths are ones that we have carried handed to us by our ancestors. Other myths are ones we created that originated from a traumatic or difficult experience to help us make sense of senseless situations.
As we held onto these stories through the years and repeated them, they have morphed and they have changed, but they're all so familiar. We don't question them. We just keep repeating them. And unfortunately our myths are usually incredibly unkind and compassionate.
Examples of Common Myths
Common myths include:
I am a failure.
I am not enough.
I am unlovable.
I am not worthy of joy.
I am not worthy of success.
I am not worthy of ease.
The first thing we really have to understand, and what I think is really important to understand, about our myths is that they have helped us get really far.
We have to have some reverence, thanks, and gratitude for them. You see, our myths originate with some truth. So, a former version of ourselves, usually a very young version, made sense of those really difficult moments by creating this story.
My Personal Myth: I am unlovable.
For me, a lot of my myths originate from my childhood. I was born in Iran and I grew up in a household where there was a lot of trauma. Because of a revolution and a war, there was PTSD. Everyone was processing their trauma in their own way and there wasn't a lot of space for emotional availability.
Then, we immigrated to a new country where I stuck out like a sore thumb. I always felt like I had to work extra hard — to make friends, to be seen, to be understood. So, one of my big myths is that I'm unlovable and in order to be loved, I have to work for that.
As I got older and I experienced things, this myth kind of got distorted and became bigger than it actually was. Now I can see why I created that story: it helped me make sense of my world at the time.
I always thought “no one wants to be my friend, my parents can't hug me as much as I want them to,” so the obvious explanation was that I am unlovable.
And the stories we create usually revolve around us because we are the only person that we can control. So, as a kid, I wasn’t creating the story of “My parents are emotionally unavailable to me because they’re going through trauma.” No! That story wasn’t accessible to me and the story I created was about me.
Our myths are precious and they helped us get far
Throughout our lives, our myths have helped us cope. They have helped us get through the hard times to make sense of difficult times. We really need to honor our stories because they allowed us to get here.
But our myths, our stories can only serve us for so long until they start to hold us. So, as we do this work together in this post, I want you to be aware of how much your myth has served you and protected you. You no longer need it, but you sure did for a long time.
Mindfulness exercise: What’s Your Story?
I want you to think of some of your stories that you’ve thought of up to this point. If there isn’t a particular on, then I want you to try one of my favorite exercises.
Think of a recent experience where things didn’t work out for you or where you felt a lot of discomfort.
Maybe it was an awkward conversation with a friend or something you did at work. Maybe you got ghosted or forgot to do something.
With your situation, I want you to either say it out loud or write it down.
I’ll give you one of mine as an example:
An Instagram post didn’t do well.
Now, I want you to add to the end of your sentence: …which means that… and begin to add everything that comes up for you.
So… an Instagram post didn’t do well which means that…
No one likes my work. I have no idea what I’m doing. Everyone else is doing better than me. People don’t like me. When it comes down to it, no one loves me… I’m unlovable…
Do you see that? There’s that myth. The myth I created when I was a young girl.
Maybe you notice the same thing happens when you do your “which means that.” It's possible that those same ideas and beliefs come up all over the place in your life when things don't go well.
The 1 Thing You Need to Understand About Your Myth
When I first understood this concept, it blew my mind — in the best way. What you have to understand about our stories and our myths is that while they may not make us feel great, they’re comforting. They’re safe. Because we’re so used to them.
As long as we hold onto our myth, we always know how the story ends.
Even if the ending isn't what we desire, when we live a life attached to our myths, there is certainty. We are certain of the outcome.
If the myth is that you are unlovable and you keep going on bad date after bad date, after bad date, then there is that sense of comfort and certainty.
If the myth is that you are horrible with money, then it makes sense that you overspend. There is certainty. There is comfort as to why your bank account is not doing so well.
These are not outcomes we would like or that we desire. However, we know how the story ends. Our myths give us the sense of certainty and comfort. Even if it means we’re certain we will feel disappointed, hopeless, or frustrated, we as humans love comfort and certainty. And this is why we hold onto our stories. With them, we always know how we’re going to feel and we know how to manage that.
But love, if we want to create a different outcome to our story, we have to let go of it. And I know, that’s pretty scary. Because in your story, you know that they live satisfactorily or unsatisfactorily ever after. But if you let go of it? Whose to say, right?
What does it mean to let go of your myth, your story
Letting go of your story means letting go of certainty — certainty of the outcome and leaning into vulnerability, trust, and hope. Now damn, if those aren't the scariest feelings to lean into. They sound great on paper, but they require so much courage and courage is the point where everything changes, love. The courage to let go of the outcome we're used to and have faith and hope in something different.
But, the sad truth is we would rather be certain of disappointment than take a risk on being hopeful.
We would rather be certain of failing than take a risk on being vulnerable love. This is why it can be so difficult to let go of our stories, because it is really scary to step into that uncertainty into that vulnerability, into that place of absolute hope.
So, what can you do now?
One - Join me in Coming Home because this is the work that we will be doing in my free 1-week masterclass. There will be 3 live sessions from September 18th to 23rd. You can register for free here: wholehearted-woman.com/cominghome
Two - You can also join me in The Alchemy Collective, my 12-month group coaching program, or Wholehearted Woman, my intimate one-on-one coaching program.
Three (and you can do this one right now) - Become aware of 1 myth and navigate it through compassion. Let’s walk through it together.
Think of one of your myths.
As you think of it, place a hand on your heart or on your belly. Let’s create a space where you and this myth can exist.
Now, say to your myth: Thank you for serving me and trying to protect me all of these years. You are trying your best, but I no longer need you. I am ready to let go.
It is not by suppressing or ignoring our stories that we let go of them, but it’s by giving them attention and letting them know that they are understood. This is what we all really desire when we are hurting.
Four — Let go of certainty.
Changing our stories means we have to let go of the certainty that our myths create in our lives. We have to let go of the certainty of outcomes and our feelings. It means stepping into vulnerability, hope, faith, and possibility. If we’re trying to create a different ending with different results in our lives, we have to let go of knowing how the story ends. Because guess what, love? We aren’t supposed to know how it ends. Not until we get there.
And I know, it’s scary. Letting go requires so much courage, but it’s how we let go of the stories we tell ourselves and give ourselves different endings, better endings. It’s how we let go of the unsatisfactorily ever after life.
If this is resonating with you and you want to go even deeper into this work, this is what we do in my 12-month group coaching program, The Alchemy Collective, and my intimate one-on-one program Wholehearted Woman. You can find out more about these at wholehearted-woman.com/offerings.
Until next week, love.
A quote to take with you:
“We would rather be certain in disappointment than take a risk on being hopeful.”
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About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to listen to your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.