The key to creating your best life [Best of WHC] | ep138
For a long time, I was the person who really had her life “together.” I had a dream career singing opera full time all over the world. I was living in New York City and I was the person all my family, friends, and really everyone would come to for advice. But, I felt totally lost.
And it didn’t make sense! I was doing all the right things and I had followed “the plan.” You know the one you hear is supposed to guarantee you fulfillment, happiness, and success. The one where you have the full time job straight out of college, where you’re couple up, and contributing to your 401K all before you’re 30.
Well, although I’d ticked off all the boxes and had done everything right, I felt empty. And that scared me. I found myself saying a phrase that I’ve since heard so many clients say: “I followed all the rules and what do I have to show for it?” What was I supposed to do now?
*Before we dive in, I want to let you know about my upcoming FREE live workshop that will show you exactly how to create your dream 2023. Click below to learn more.
Today’s Mindset Monday reads:
And then one day you will realize that this life is yours and yours alone. You will realize that no one knows better than you.
You will realize that you have the first word and the final say. You will realize that you are meant to create the map, lead the way, and take the journey all at the same time.
This will be the most thrilling and terrifying moment of your life.
Because you will finally realize that you have all the answers and the wisdom. You will realize that this life is yours to create, love.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FOLLOW “THE PLAN”
As a child of immigrants, I really leaned hard into perfectionism, people pleasing, and overachieving. Which, really, were coping mechanisms I developed to help me feel safe, seen, and heard.
**If you really resonate with being a perfectionist, tune into ep 104 | Perfectionism, Procrastination, and the Power of Good Enough.
As I got older, I’d taken all these coping mechanisms and created this “beautiful” life.
I got my masters
I moved to New York
I worked so incredibly hard in my field
I went on all the diets
I went on all the dates with all the “good on paper” people.
I really thought if I did all of these things, if I had all of these things in my life, I would finally feel stable, secure, and ultimately successful. But, what really happened was the closer I followed their plan, the further I felt from who I actually was. The emptier I felt. The less fulfilling my “beautiful” life was.
At first, I thought I was the problem. Maybe I wasn’t working hard enough. So, I doubled down and worked even harder. I became really unkind to myself. I ignored my mental and physical health. I thought I needed one more degree. I thought I needed to lose a little weight.
And none of it worked.
Because I was looking for the answers outside of myself.
WHAT STOPS US FROM CREATING OUR OWN PLANS
I was allowing EVERYONE ELSE to steer the ship called “my life.” My parents. Society. My mentors. I put my trust in everyone else. In this greater plan that they told me would lead to my happiness. And every time I went along with what they thought was best for me, I was really going against what I knew to be true for myself.
About 97% of the incredible clients I work with have just as incredible lives - on the outside. When we dig deeper, they do not trust themselves. And it’s honestly not their fault! It’s not your fault either, love.
It’s not your fault that you don’t trust yourself. But, when you learn how to trust yourself again, you actually start creating a life based on self-trust, and that’s when life becomes amazing. Not just on paper. It truly feels amazing.
That’s when you know that you are leading your own life as your own North Star.
HOW YOU CAN CREATE PLANS AUTHENTIC TO WHO YOU ARE AND WHO YOU ARE BECOMING
In order to have a life that was not only “together” and “beautiful” on the outside, I had to teach myself how to trust myself again. I had to figure out what that meant and what that actually felt like in my own body.
We’re so used to searching for the answers outside of ourselves, but the truth is we know the answers all along the way. For me, I always knew better. And this is a phrase I know you’ve most likely said to yourself: I knew better.
Let me tell you, love, “I knew better” implies that you have all the inner wisdom that you need. It implies that you really do know what is best for you. It also means that you actively choose to ignore that knowing, that inner wisdom. What do you believe is stopping you from listening to your own inner wisdom, love?
Over the years, I’ve developed a methodology after discovering that each and every person I’ve worked with had one major thing in common: they knew what they wanted all along, but they no longer knew how to listen to themselves and trust themselves.
After working with thousands of incredible people over the years, I learned that the truth is we all have a perfect knowing within ourselves - a compass, really - and within that compass, we are our own North Star. Our own guiding light.
But, through life, our compass goes out of alignment and that North Star becomes fear. It becomes supposed to’s and should’s. It becomes perfectionism. It becomes our past trauma. And when we create a life that isn’t based on our North Star, it’s a life that’s anything but ourselves.
THE BIG PICTURE
I believe that all of us have been given a super power which is our inner knowing, our intuition. But, I totally understand why we have such a hard time following it.
Our intuition doesn’t come with facts, logic, or reason, It’s usually a feeling, a soft whisper. It steers us into uncertainty and one thing we humans hate more than anything else is uncertainty. But, if you really think about it, your intuition never steers you in the wrong direction, love.
But your intuition is going to ask you to do some really scary things. And this isn’t about getting it right or wrong. It’s about following what feels best for you. A lot of us want to follow our intuition, but only if it gets it right.
Love, when it comes to your life, you know best. No one knows better than you. And that is both terrifying and thrilling. It means that this thing called “life” is yours and yours alone.
I’d love to share a quote with you from Rachel Cargle:
I trust myself regardless of what happens.
If I jump off this cliff and I fail, I trust that I have the intellect and resilience it takes to move on.
And I also trust that if I jump and I have the footing, I will take off running.
Risks aren't as risky when I know I am betting on me. I am betting on my ability to do really well or the ability to recover if I don't do well.
After listening, you’re going to love these episodes!
Self-compassion is probably the last thing you think of when you hear the word “productivity.” But the truth is that self-compassion is the unsung hero of getting things done. In this episode you’ll learn why self-compassion is a key to productivity and how you can start to cultivate more of it in your life.
So often when we think of taking a big risk our only focus is on the outcome. But what if we re-centered the focus back on ourselves? Listen to this episode to understand why the focus needs to be on yourself when you’re about to make a big decision. This episode is perfect for anyone struggling with indecision.
Not feeling worthy is something that we all struggle with. Whether it’s in our personal or professional lives, we often question if who we are is worthy enough to be in the spaces and places we find ourselves in. Listen to this episode to gain a greater understanding of why you don’t feel worthy at times and how you can heal that wound. Also, stay tuned to hear the experiences of one of the amazing women in my 12-month membership, The Alchemy Collective.
A quote to take with you:
“We are really afraid of our inner wisdom because it asks us to step right into uncertainty.
But uncertainty is also where possibility lies and that is where your inner wisdom wants you to go towards.”
Did you know that each episode comes with free guided journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to trust your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.
+ Read the episode transcript here
[00:00:00] Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. If you're looking for more purpose, more passion, more joy in your life, then you have come to the right place. I am your host, coach and Life Alchemist, Shirin Eskandani. And I have worked with thousands of people showing them how to create their dream lives while also living their dream.
[00:00:27] This podcast is where mindset, mindfulness and manifestation meet together. We're going to release limiting beliefs. Put your dreams into motion all while prioritizing your ease, rest and joy. Let's do this love.
[00:00:43] Hi love. Welcome to Wholehearted Coaching: The Podcast. This is where we take a deeper dive into my Mindset Monday post, which you can read on Instagram at @wholeheartedcoaching.
[00:00:55] Or if you want to go even deeper into this week's episode and get my free weekly journal prompts, sign up for my email list and you'll be able to explore the topics we're talking about in this episode. Even further, you can do that in the show notes or by heading to my website: wholehearted-coaching.com.
[00:01:15] And if you're interested in working with me, whether that's one-on-one in one of my group programs or one of my transformational courses, you can head to my website, wholehearted-coaching.com/offerings to find out more. And of course you can also head to the show notes and all of this information.
[00:01:35] We'll be waiting for you there. All right, love.
[00:01:38] I want to start this episode with a story. It's my story. Well, it's one of my stories, but I have a feeling that it's going to resonate with you. So for a long time, I was really lost, but you wouldn't have guessed it from the outside because my life looked amazing.
[00:01:57] I had a dream career at the time. I was singing opera full time all over the world. I was living in New York and I was the person in my community of family and friends that everyone would call on for help or for advice. I was the person that everyone felt had it quote unquote together, but I felt anything but together I felt so lost because I was doing all of the right things.
[00:02:26] But deep down, I knew that something in my life was wrong. And I was so confused because I was living my dream. Right. I was singing opera, which I'd always wanted to do. I was living in this really amazing city and I had this community around me and I had followed the plan. You know, the plan, the one that we hear about the one that's supposed to assure fulfillment and happiness and success, right?
[00:02:55] The one that has us having a job full time straight out of college has us coupled up and we're contributing to some sort of 401k by the time we're in our thirties. Well, the 401k part, because I was an opera singer that wasn't happening, but I know, you know what I'm talking about. When I talk about the quote unquote playing.
[00:03:16] And I was following this thing. I was taking off all the boxes, but even though I had done everything right, I felt empty, which totally scared me because what was I supposed to do? Right. I did the thing I was supposed to do. I ticked off the boxes. I followed the plan and I wasn't feeling happy or fulfilled.
[00:03:38] I felt untethered and purposeless. Totally. LA. And I added a phrase that I now hear clients say to me all the time, I followed all the rules and what do I have to show for it? You see, the problem is that we're sold this lie, that there is a prescriptive plan for our lives or formula that if we follow to the T will assure our happiness, but the truth is the closer you follow that plan.
[00:04:09] The further you get. From who you are, the further you get from your true happiness, the further you get from true fulfillment. I want to take a moment. Is this resonating with you? Is this resonating in your body? This plan that we are all sold. That if you do these things, if you work hard, if you go to school, if you're this type of person, then you're going to be okay in life is going to be okay.
[00:04:32] Then you're going to feel all those feelings you want to feel. And you get out there and you are doing such a great job of ticking off all those damn boxes, all those boxes they told you to take off, and then you realize, oh, well, that's a lie, love. It's time to throw out those plans. It's time to create our own.
[00:04:54] And that's what we're going to talk about in today's episode, what stops us from creating our own plans and how can we start to truly create plans that are authentic to who we are and who we are becoming in short, we're talking about how we can, once again, become our own north star. Now we're talking about all of this because I have a really big announcement.
[00:05:19] In April, you can join me for a free five day masterclass called the inner compass experience. Now this is hands down. One of my favorite masterclasses that I offer, and you can sign up for it starting today by heading to whole hearted-coaching.com/experience, or you can also head to the show now. During this free masterclass, you're going to learn about the foundations of inner compass work.
[00:05:49] Now I'm going to tell you all about what that is later, but as part of this masterclass, you're going to learn how to finally trust yourself again and create a life that is a true reflection of who you are and what you do. The masterclass is from April 10th to the 15th. And don't worry if you can't make it live to all of the classes, everything is recorded.
[00:06:10] So if you want to find out more and register for this free masterclass with me, you can head to wholehearted-coaching.com/experience, or just head to the show notes. All right, let's get into this week's mindset Monday. It reads. And then one day you will realize that this life is yours and yours alone.
[00:06:33] You will realize that no one knows better than you you'll realize that you have the first word and the final say you'll realize that you're meant to create the map, lead the way and take the journey all at the same time. This will be the most thrilling and terrifying moment of your life, because you will finally realize that you have all the answers and the wisdom.
[00:06:57] You will realize that this life is yours to create love. So let's get back to little old me the one who was following the quote unquote plan, you know, a little bit about my story, but as a child of immigrants, I really leaned hard into perfectionism and people pleasing and over achieving. Those were coping mechanisms that I developed that helped me feel safe and seen and heard.
[00:07:26] I took all of these coping mechanisms and I created this quote unquote, beautiful life. I got my masters, I moved to New York. I worked so incredibly hard in my field. I went on all of the diets. I went on all of the dates with the people who look good on paper. And I thought that if I did all of these things, if I had all these things in my life, then I would finally feel stable and secure.
[00:07:51] And as a result successful, and some of those things, you know, And other things alluded me, but I will tell you the closer I got to their plan, the further I felt from who I was, the more empty I felt, the less fulfilling my life was. And I was so confused because I was doing everything right. So why did I feel so empty?
[00:08:15] So of course at first I thought the problem was me. Maybe I wasn't working hard enough. Right. So I would double down on working even harder. And in the process, I would become really unkind to myself and I totally ignored my mental and physical health. And so then I thought, okay, well that doesn't seem to be working.
[00:08:35] Maybe I need to get one more degree. Right. So I would sign up for another course or a program. I would sign up for another mentor that promised that they would help me get where I wanted to be spending thousands of dollars and using up countless hours of my life. And sometimes that did work, but oftentimes it didn't.
[00:08:55] So then I thought, of course, well maybe if I lost a little weight, you know, maybe if I do that, then I'll feel more fulfilled and successful. And I kept going after thing, after thing, after thing to find that feeling of purpose and fulfillment. But I look back now and I see that I was looking for the answers outside of myself.
[00:09:18] I was allowing everyone to steer the ship called my life, my parents society, my mentors, I put my trust in them. I put my trust in the greater plan. The plan they told me would lead to my happiness, but I look back now on that time of my life. And I realize that every time I went along with the plan, every time I went along with what they thought was best for me, I was really going against what I knew to be true for myself.
[00:09:47] I was going against what my body was telling me to do. I was silencing myself. I was putting all my faith and trust outside of myself because the truth was, I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust that. I knew what was best for me. I didn't trust that. I knew how to make good decisions. Trust. This is the word I want us to focus on because y'all, we do not trust ourselves.
[00:10:15] I would say 97% of the clients I work with with the incredible humans I work with, they have these incredible lives on the outside, but when we come down to it, they do not trust themselves. And it's not our fault that we don't trust ourselves. We're going to get into that later, but love when you learn how to trust yourself again, when you start creating a life based on self-trust that's when this thing called life becomes amazing, not just on paper, but it feels amazing.
[00:10:47] That's when you're leading your own life. That is when you are your own north star. I had to teach myself how to trust myself again, like what that meant, what that felt like in my body, what that was, because the truth was I knew the answers all along the way. I always knew better. You know, that phrase I knew better.
[00:11:11] We've all said it. In fact, I want us to take a moment and I want you to think of the last time you said to yourself, I knew better. Now it could be big or small. Like I knew better to eat sushi from that place, or I knew better than to say yes to that job. I knew better than to go on that second date. I knew better than to send that email.
[00:11:36] So do you have your moment? I knew better implies that you have all the inner wisdom that you need. It implies that, you know, what is best for you, but it also means that you actively chose to ignore your wisdom. And what we need to understand is what stops us from not listening to ourselves. Right? We have the inner wisdom.
[00:12:01] We have the innate knowledge, but there are so many things that stop us from listening to that knowledge and wisdom. What we're talking about in today's episode is the foundation of inner compass work. Inner compass work is a methodology that I created after discovering that each and every single person I worked with from one-on-one clients to group coaching programs, they knew what they wanted all along, but they no longer knew how to listen to themselves and more importantly, trust themselves.
[00:12:34] So they couldn't figure out what that inner knowing was. This is a methodology that started with me years ago, and it has been fine tuned and developed over the years. As I have worked with thousands of people, the truth is we all have a perfect compass within us, a compass where we are our own north star.
[00:12:55] But for so many of us, that compass has just gone a little off alignment. Our north star is fear, fear of failure, fear of judgment, fear of the unknown. Our north star is a supposed tos and should our north star is perfectionism. Our north star is our past trauma. And when we create a life that is based on a north star, that is anything but ourselves.
[00:13:21] Then we create a life that may look great from the outside, but feels empty and unfulfilling for ourselves. We create a life that is based on what we think we should be doing or what they think we should be doing, as opposed to what we want to be doing and how we want to be doing it. When I look back, I realized that I was navigating my life with a compass full of.
[00:13:43] And sheds and conditioned beliefs. I was going down a path that I thought I was supposed to go down, never questioning if this was really the path for me. And at a certain point I realized, oh my gosh, I have become everything to everyone that I have become no one to myself, meaning I was so good at knowing what people wanted, what they needed, how to be perfect, what they needed for me and how to be needed by the.
[00:14:13] That I hadn't no idea what I wanted or needed. My north star was no longer my own. And that's what inner compass work is all about. It's the process of undoing and reclaiming. So I want us to go back to that. I knew better question. I asked earlier the instance where you didn't listen to yourself and then said, oh, I knew better.
[00:14:37] So let's take that example. I want you to think of that situation as vividly as you can, that moment where something in your being was like, oh, I don't know if this is right for us. And now I want you to think of what talk to you out of listening to your inner wisdom, that knowing, think of all of the thoughts, the beliefs, the fears, think of all of the things that talk to you out of listening to yourself.
[00:15:09] So what's coming up for you, whatever you're naming, those things make up your north star, those beliefs, those fears, those are the things that are ruling your compass love. So if you feel like you're off course. Yeah, that makes sense. It's because you're not steering the ship in the direction that you want to be steering it towards.
[00:15:32] I believe that all of us have been given a super power, which is our inner knowing our intuition and with the, I knew better exercise shows us is that we truly do know, but our inner knowing, you know, it doesn't come with facts or logic or reason. It's usually a feeling, a soft whisper, but this feeling this whisper, it never steers us in the wrong direction.
[00:15:56] Now it may take us down unconventional or uncomfortable path. But it is the path that is most true for ourselves. So some of the most common reasons that I hear when I work with clients or in my group programs, the common reasons of why we don't listen to this voice. Are things like letting people down that if I say yes or no to this thing, I'm going to hurt people.
[00:16:20] I hear things like I am so afraid of starting all over or what I call burning it all down. Right. Realizing that you did your masters in this program and then finding out, oh my gosh, I don't want to do this. I don't like this work. This is not for me. The fear of the unknown going against norms or conventions, limiting beliefs, condition beliefs.
[00:16:42] And one of the biggest ones is that we have been really taught not to trust ourselves. We have been conditioned not to trust ourselves. So I want to talk about a couple of the things that I just mentioned, but I'm going to tell you if this is really resonating for you, sign up for the inner compass experience, because we're going to go so much deeper into all of this.
[00:17:07] Okay. So the biggest one I want to cover in this episode about not trusting ourselves is really that it has been conditioned out of us that we have been taught not to trust ourselves. We live in a society that wants facts, logic, and reason. And this of course is rooted in white supremacy, capitalism, and the patriarchy.
[00:17:33] These structures have taught us that we should value proof and reason over our feelings, our gut, our truth, these structures do not value our inner wisdom, which is the ancient wisdom at so many of our cultures were founded on the ancient technology that so many of our ancestors used to use. Intuition inner knowledge, inner wisdom.
[00:17:58] So we're taught at a very young age, especially if we identify as a woman, that feelings and intuition are not important, we've been taught that the most important thing is to have facts and logic. Those are truth. And how we feel about something is a lie we've been literally taught to go against our inner knowing y'all ate.
[00:18:23] Reclaim that for ourselves, our intuition, our inner wisdom is never wrong. These structures have also taught us to find our value in our worth. And our perfectionism and hustle are people pleasing and overworking. They have told us that our north star should be rooted and how much we do and how hard we do it.
[00:18:46] When I talk about this stuff with new clients, there's always a lot of shame, shame, and guilt around. Oh my God. It's true. I don't trust myself. And you start to think of all those moments in your life where you actively didn't listen to yourself and trust yourself and all the situations you got yourself in love, release the shame and the guilt, because I want to let you know, there's a very good reason that they don't want us to trust ourselves, because if we actually trusted ourselves, we would tear down every system that is holding us back.
[00:19:18] And that scares the powers that. So I want you to just release that shame and that guilt and just sit with all of this and see what comes up for you. The next factor I want us to consider is the fear of uncertainty and unknown because our inner wisdom asks us to do really scary things. Whether it's quit that job, leave that relationship, you know, move halfway across the country.
[00:19:46] These are oftentimes things that don't make sense. They go against conventions or norms, they go against what we thought we wanted to do. They may possibly mean that you're going to hurt others or let them down. And I think that we are really afraid of our inner wisdom because it asks us to step straight into uncertainty and y'all, there is nothing that we as humans dislike more than uncertain.
[00:20:12] But uncertainty is where also possibility lies. And that is where your inner wisdom wants you to go towards. It's nudging you towards that. Another big factor is that we're really afraid of using our inner wisdom, because what if it gets it wrong, right? If you're trusting only you and you alone, then that means that you and you alone are responsible.
[00:20:36] If things go sideways, or if things don't go as expected, the only person you can blame is yourself. That's why I think we love to ask like tons of people, the answer before we do something or why we follow other people's plans, because sometimes it's nicer to blame someone else for our life going left that ourselves.
[00:20:55] Right. So here's what you really need to understand about your inner wisdom. It's going to ask us to do some really scary things, but this isn't about getting it right or wrong. This is about following what feels best for you in that. I feel like a lot of us want to follow our intuition, but only if it gets it right.
[00:21:17] Only if it's the right decision, but the right decision is the decision that makes most sense to you. It's about making a decision that feels most true for you. The right decision. My love is following your inner wisdom. I heard Rachel Cargill say this in an interview, and I think it perfectly sums this up.
[00:21:37] She said, I trust myself regardless of what happened. If I jump off this cliff and I fail, I trust that I have the intellect and resilience it takes to move on. And I also trust that if I jump and I have the footing, I will take off running risks. Aren't as risky. When I know I am betting on me, I am betting on my ability to do really well or the ability to recover if I don't do well.
[00:22:07] I mean, that's it right there. Love when it comes to your life, you know, best, no one knows better than you. And that is terrifying and thrilling. I get it because it means that this thing called life is yours and yours alone. This is the work that we're going to dive into during the inner compass experience.
[00:22:32] If, what I have said in this episode has made your head nod has made your heart light up, has made your belly get like all excited. Then I really hope you'll join us. You can find out more information@wholehearted-coaching.com slash experience. Or you can just head to the show notes. I want to end this episode with a quote by Glennon Doyle.
[00:22:55] It's a quote that I've used before, and I just love it so much. And it sums up everything that I have been trying to say this episode. So the quote reads, I understand that no one else in the world knows what I should do. The experts don't know the ministers, the therapists, the magazines, the authors, my parents, my friends.
[00:23:16] They don't know because no one has ever lived or will ever live this life. This life that I'm attempting to live with my gifts and challenges and past every life is an unprecedented experiment. This life is mine alone. So I've stopped asking people for directions to places they've never been. There is no map.
[00:23:41] We are all pioneers. So love. I hope I get the opportunity to see you in April in the inner compass experience. As we close this episode, I want you to think of one thing that's really resonating for you, and we're going to take a deep breath in and out. So breathing in and out.
[00:24:09] Until next week. Love thank you so much for joining me this week. If you liked this episode, please share it with a friend subscribe or follow where you love listening most. And if you haven't yet leave a review, you can do this on apple podcasts, task box, pod, chaser, or podcast addict until next week.
[00:24:31] Love.