Self-Confidence | ep148
I believe we have a lot of misconceptions about what self-confidence actually is.
We wonder what self-confident people have that we don’t. We think it’s a byproduct of our success, accomplishments, and our achievements. Sometimes we think it means being “the best” or being “perfect.”
The truth is that self-confidence starts within yourself, not outside of you.
Self-confidence exists in the moment you finally realize that you can trust yourself, regardless of what happens, in each and every moment.
Putting in “the work” doesn’t create Self-Confidence
We mistakenly think that self-confidence is a result of hard work, of countless hours spent accomplishing something. We think it comes along with the degrees we receive and the accolades and the accomplishments. But, study after study shows that confidence is not the same as competence — our ability to do something successfully.
Studies also show that women who are extremely accomplished in their fields still lack confidence when it comes to their abilities.
So love, if you’ve received all the degrees, all the experience and you still question yourself, know that it is normal to, especially in certain places.
Being “the best” doesn’t equal Self-Confidence
We often think that if we become “the best” at something or can do something perfectly, then that will give us the confidence we need. But y’all, that is a losing battle. Being “the best” is highly subjective and being perfect is impossible. And always aiming to be “the best” or be “perfect” will often result in one thing: burnout.
So, what the heck is confidence?
If it’s not being competent, if it’s not being “the best,” and it’s not being perfect, what is self-confidence?
The etymology of the word “confidence” means “trust.”
Confidence is all about trusting yourself.
This isn’t about trusting yourself to do the right thing or to not make a mistake. It’s about trusting that you can figure things out regardless of what happens on the other side.
There’s a Rachel Cargle quote I absolutely love:
Risks aren’t as risky when I realize that all I am taking a risk on is myself. If I leap and I land on shaky ground, then I trust that I can find my footing. And if I leap and I’m on firm ground, I trust that I will take off running.
Confidence is about trusting that you can figure it out on the other side of your decision. That’s it, love.
Try this Self-Confidence Exercise
I believe that there is at least one area in our lives where we feel really confident in ourselves. For me, it’s cooking. I am super confident when I am in the kitchen. Now, am I the best cook? No! But, I know how to figure things out when I am in the kitchen.
Now, I want you to think of that area for yourself. Where in your life do you feel oh so confident?
It could be in the kitchen, like me. It could be in parking your car. It could be doing your hair.
Experience is also a part of this equation. Wherever you feel most confident is also where you may have a ton of experience. And that experience may not make you feel like you are the best or that you are perfect in that area, but it shows how capable you are of getting to the other side.
That is what confidence is all about.
So, by looking at confidence in this way and seeing it through a lens of self-trust, we allow ourselves to reframe what having confidence actually means.
It no longer is about:
Am I the best?
Am I the most qualified?
Am I doing this right?
It’s now all about:
Do I trust myself to figure it out?
What keeps us from our self-confidence?
When talking all about self-confidence, there’s one phrase we have to acknowledge: imposter syndrome.
Two researchers first coined this phrase in the 1970s and initially called it “imposter phenomenon.” They studied highly accomplished women and found that no matter how successful they were, they lacked confidence in many professional settings.
They often believed they didn’t belong in those spaces and that they had somehow tricked everyone around them.
So, imposter syndrome is a phrase we use so often these days and it’s ultimately that feeling of not being enough and not belonging in certain spaces.
Honestly, we need to throw this phrase away.
The initial study that developed this phrase excluded a lot of really important factors that would highly impact the thoughts and beliefs these women held: systemic oppression, racism, sexuality, and classism (just to name a few)
When it comes to imposter syndrome, those of us who experience it will do so on varying levels based on the personal intersections of our identity.
Another issue with “imposter syndrome” is it places the burden on us as women to change this experience. It makes it something that we have to fix and figure out.
There’s an incredible article by The Harvard Business Review called “Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome” and I want to share a quote from that with you:
Even as we know it today, imposter syndrome puts the blame on individuals without accounting for the historical and cultural context that are foundational to how it manifests in both women of color and white women. Imposter syndrome directs our view toward fixing women at work instead of fixing the places where women work.
When it comes to self-confidence and self-trust, we have to understand that certain systems want us as women and many of us who fall in communities that are marginalized to feel like we cannot trust ourselves.
Many of the places and spaces we find ourselves in were created to make us feel not confident, that we can’t trust ourselves.
When I first understood this, it was such an epiphany for me. I realized I didn’t have to feel ashamed, I didn’t have to judge myself for not having that confidence or for questioning myself. We have to undertsnad that many professional spaces were created for and cater to white men.
So, when you add in other communities to those spaces, they are going to feel less confident because of the way it’s set up.
So, instead of the phrase “imposter syndrome,” I like to say “self-doubt.”
4 Questions to Ask Your Self-Doubt
Self-doubt is the kryptonite to our self-confidence. (If you aren’t too keen on the Superman reference, self-doubt is the ultimate weakness when it comes to our self-confidence.)
I want you to think of a recent moment where your self-doubt was especially strong.
As you think of this memory, think of the sensations you’re feeling in your body. What did it feel like in that moment? What emotions are you feeling? What words or phrases were you saying to yourself at the time?
Maybe:
“I have no idea what I’m doing…”
“I’m not good enough for this…”
“I don’t belong here…”
What we’re doing in this exercises is understanding how your self-doubt manifests.
At the root of self-doubt is fear. That can be the fear of failure, the fear of judgment, the fear of being seen, and more. What we must know when it comes to fear is that we can’t run away from it, we can’t ignore it, and if we give into it, we don’t get to do the things we really want to do.
In order to get really intimate and understand our fear, I want us to try this practice:
Go back to your moment of self-doubt from our previous practice. As you’re recalling this moment, become aware of those sensations again.
Now, choose a name for your self-doubt. This can be just as simple as “self-doubt” or you can choose any name that comes naturally to you. This is to separate your self-doubt from who you are and allow us to ask it some questions.
What are you afraid of?
What are you protecting me from?
What do you need in this moment?
How can I make you feel more safe or secure?
Now that you’ve asked your self-doubt these reflective questions, I want you to say this phrase to it:
I understand why you would be afraid right now, but I promise that you can trust me.
Love, this is how self-confidence blossoms, blooms, and grows,
It’s not about succeeding your way to confidence. It’s not about being the best to find your confidence. It’s not about being so perfect that you can’t help but be confident.
Self-confidence is all about deeply knowing yourself and trusting yourself. That’s it.
If you enjoyed this, you’ll love these posts and episodes:
112 | Imposter Syndrome
Imposter Syndrome is a term that we all have used to describe that all-too-familiar feeling of not being enough. But it’s a term that we really need to stop using because it’s ultimately harmful. Listen to this episode to learn why we need to let go of the term Imposter Syndrome and how we can navigate the feeling of “not enough-ness” the wholehearted way.
Check out the rest of the “Self” series!
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150 | Self-Growth: Spring Equinox Special
The Spring teaches us so much about growth and beauty. Oftentimes we forget that some of our most difficult moments create the soil for our greatest growth. Listen to this episode to learn how nature can teach us what growth truly is and how to do it.
Let’s talk about one of the most powerful mindset tools you can cultivate. Self-compassion is key to doing hard things, it’s key to creativity, and it needs to become the foundation of everything that we do. I’ve never said this before but love, this episode is *REQUIRED* listening if you want to create the most unimaginable dream life.
Did you know that each podcast episode comes with free guided journal prompts?
If you want to be in the know and get each Mindset Monday straight to your inbox complete with journal prompts to take you even further, get on my email list.
About your host, Shirin Eskandani
Hi, love! I’m Shirin.
Coach, speaker, writer, and life alchemist.
I teach you how to listen to your intuition again, tune out all the BS, and let your heart lead the way.
Because once you strengthen your inner GPS, decisions become easier, boundaries become clearer, and belly laughs become a daily thing.
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME:
I’m a certified life coach (accredited through the International Coach Federation)
My husband and I met on Instagram and we live in Brooklyn, NY with our plant babies
I have a masters degree in Music and was a professional opera singer for twelve years. I worked all over the world singing on stage at Carnegie Hall and the Metropolitan Opera (more on that later…).
I believe in the woo just as much as I do the work (internal and external). No amount of crystals and affirmations will make up for a lack of a healthy mindset and aligned action.
I love all the Real Housewives franchises. Don’t make me choose one… seriously, don’t.